An Infinite April
by Shawtymanex42
Summary: According to Stan, Kyle is a smart guy, so why is he so fascinated with a man ten years younger than him? When it's the enigmatic, stubborn 18 year old Eric Cartman? NOT A ONESHOT. Kyman. One-sided Keneric, referenced Style and a dash of Stary. Rated M. Hope you like and reviews are appreciated! Yep, I edited the preview because the other one was so lame, don't you think?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _I thought school had killed my motivation and ability to come up with ideas. Then this lil' story saved me. So I really hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!_

_Oh, also, I apologize if Cartman seems OOC here. I think that, even though Cartman can be arrogant and confident, he's also extremely insecure, stubborn and incredibly anti-social. And this is the side of him I kind of wanted to focus on in this story. Just a heads up, I suppose._

_And yes, this is my first (completed) attempt at a multi-chapter fic and that is terrifying._

* * *

Cartman played Rugby because it was different. Before he became Prop for his high school's team, he had no idea what the game was. All he knew that there was a USA Sevens team and that a couple of schools in California played it. He watched a game on ESPN and wasn't really that interested, he could barely concentrate on a game of football and he had played that since he was eight years old. But at least Rugby was different. Only parents really showed up to their games and his mom wasn't one of them.

Plus, there were injuries; lots of them. Of course, he didn't really like it when he was the recipient of a concussion or dislocated shoulder but it felt pretty fucking good to tackle someone and know that there was a possibility you could do permanent (or thereabouts) damage. And Cartman fucking knew he was capable of doing just that. The coach said so; they needed somebody as tall and broad as Cartman on the pitch. Cartman guessed that was a nicer way of calling him fat. But coach also said that he had never met somebody as indifferent and easily susceptible to anger, apparently that's a good thing. And Cartman guessed that was true.

Football got all the attention at Park County high school. And Cartman guessed that was true for the other schools in their rather small league. Rightly so, in Cartman's opinion, for that he was thankful. He couldn't handle the admiration, the reputation wordlessly forming around you, the _friends _gained and the unwanted attention. Just thinking about it was enough to provoke a panic attack and Cartman figured that even this imaginary popularity was asphyxiating and dangerous enough. The real thing would be positively lethal, unthinkable. As selfish and narcissistic as he could be, he didn't want to be remembered by people who weren't worth remembering themselves.

He was just fine with walking home from Rugby practice in the rain; his clothes getting soaked right through and having puddles in his old, flimsy sneakers that he didn't want to address. It kind of made the tight knots in his neck and shoulders loosen.

April showers were sure to clear the street. And Cartman liked that too. He could kick puddles, hum under his breath as the Pixies droned obnoxiously in his ears and tap his cold fingers to the beat, shoved in the warmth of his jacket pockets. And he could feel okay about it. Because nobody was around to see him. Being free meant being lonely and as long as he was stuck in some Podunk town, supposedly the responsibility of others he couldn't be that. Imagine it. Being completely lonely and calling all the shots, holding every card. Cartman could, with great pleasure.

* * *

Cartman didn't know why he flinched at hearing his mother's voice. It wasn't shrill, it wasn't even loud. It was thin and sandpapery, calling him to dinner. Long ago, when he was still young enough for things to turn out differently, her voice was smooth and warm, permeating him into sweet slumber.

He was lying on his bed, a French Revolution book held at arm's length. The book was old and it had a smell that he wasn't sure whether he liked or not. It smelt like the back of a shelf, the bottom of a box, something that's starting to become less and less significant. But Cartman was trying to read it and not finding it interesting at all. Ever since they stopped studying Nazi Germany in history class, Cartman was becoming increasingly bored with the subject.

Still, he would rather read about the _Sans-Culottes _than have to make listless conversation with his mother and stare at her pensively over meatloaf.

But he was hungry. So Cartman sighed and tossed his book over to the other side of his bed, making his way downstairs and vainly hoping that today's dinner would be more comfortable than the last.

When he saw his mother gently playing chess with the polished cutlery, he fought with the decision to hug her. Because her glassy eyes and pale lips, her incorrectly buttoned blouse and the creases on her forehead took him back to Nebraska. When he was nine, he had spent six months in the middle of nowhere with his well-meaning grandparents, wandering around a practically empty house, exploring the huge, dry fields surrounding it and blowing his pocket-money at the mall. And while he was trying to make the most of this unexplained trip, his mom was being forcibly detoxed at an expensive rehab in Arizona. Grandpa and Grandma became incredibly uneasy when Cartman asked about his mom and because he was starting to resent them more and more, he'd bring her up at the dinner table just to watch them squirm.

He was sure he slept in the car ride home from Nebraska. Because he couldn't remember driving into South Park at all. He could, however, remember sitting on the couch, surrounded by smiling strangers and unpacked suitcases and being applauded as his mom hugged him tightly. _If only she had stayed that way forever _Cartman often angrily thought. He loved her more when she was freshly detoxed, Hell, he loved her more when she was shooting up and snorting coke behind his back. At least he was blissfully naïve to it all, at least he was a kid who didn't know any better.

Because she was still sick, just a different disease. A new plethora of symptoms. Including a stubbornness that bordered on delusion, refusing to admit that she was suffering. Cartman often entertained the thought that he was being unfair to her, after all, nine years of withdrawal can't be easy. But then, he thought about how it seemed like she was almost trying to detach herself from him and that it had been that way since Nebraska. And he didn't feel so sorry for her anymore.

"Oh, hi hun" Lianne smiled, showing off her white teeth with a saccharine smile. Cartman weakly smiled back, running an uncomfortable hand through his hair as he sat down.

"Dinner's ready" Lianne thinly announced, gesturing the waiting food on the table. Meatloaf, vegetables still steaming and uncut bread. An intrusive knife hesitantly placed next to it.

"You said" Cartman nodded, his voice dry.

"Of course I did" Lianne laughed under her breath, blushing "How silly of me"

"Can I please eat now?" Cartman asked without thinking about it. It was easy to ignore the hurt on his mom's exhausted face. "It's just I have a lot of homework and stuff and-"

"Yes! Yes!" Lianne said, an energetic, enthusiastic spring looked more like a guilty, anxious fidget "Here you go, dig in!"

Cartman watched as vegetables tumbled over each other on his plate haphazardly. He snatched the knife to cut some meatloaf and bread before his mother could. And he'd offer to cut her a piece than watch her do it herself.

"How was school?" Lianne asked, sitting with a practiced posture in her seat. Her heavy eyes flitted back and forth as Cartman filled her plate for her.

"Okay, I guess" Cartman replied, a watered-down version of another mundane day "Algebra is still evil, Ophelia is still crazy and science isn't as bad as I thought it would be. So, yeah, okay."

Cartman's brief summary of his school day was punctuated by a bite of his meatloaf and he cringed as his mother watched him eat.

Lianne's mouth kept opening and closing, forming transparent words before discarding them altogether. She searched for an opportunity to talk, waited for Eric to ask her about her day. But he already knew. Her eyes were sore so she had obviously been crying but she was wearing a blouse and jeans so she had obviously been out. It wasn't that fucking difficult.

"There's a beautiful pair of sapphire earrings on the shopping network, Eric" Lianne tried to gush, but something clipped and cut had shaved away her enthusiasm significantly. "So, so pretty. Like teardrops or bluebells if teardrops or bluebells were made of Swarovski diamonds and sapphires."

"I doubt they're Swarovski" Cartman pointed out wryly "Otherwise they wouldn't be on the shopping network and marketed to people who watch camp, soft TV and cut coupons all day"

"Well, who can tell?" Lianne snapped, offended. Even Cartman was startled by that. "They're beautiful and that's all people will think when they see them."

"So you bought them?"

"Yes" Lianne smiled "They should be arriving in two days. They're so, so pretty"

"Yeah" Cartman replied "You said"

Lianne sighed irritably before taking a sip of her water, poured into a wine glass.

"I had Rugby practice today" Cartman mumbled mindlessly and he figured that this is exactly how his mom felt when she stupidly brought up those 'Swarovski' earrings.

"Oh" Lianne nodded, knitting her eyebrows together "You still play that?"

"I like it" Cartman partially lied.

"But why?" Lianne asked "It's essentially a less glamorous version of football and you already have a football team at your school. In fact, the word around Main Street is that your football team is excelling-"

"It's not _my _football team" Cartman snapped. "I don't want anything to do it with it for reasons you're clueless to"

"And I'll remain so unless you tell me"

"I don't want to. And besides, you wouldn't get it because you don't have to see those stupid, pussy jocks day in day out"

"Language, Eric"

Cartman shook his head and glared at his plate.

"And I think you're being very melodramatic" Lianne pointed out pompously and it made Cartman want to throw his plate at the ridiculous portrait of flowers that his mom also got from the shopping network. Or was it Grandma's? He didn't fucking care.

"What would you know about being melodramatic?!" Cartman asked indignantly "What would you know about anything?! What would you know about me?!"

Cartman didn't even realize he had stood up until his mom's eyes widened, like decaying moons blinking at an angry sun, until her alabaster hand had gripped the table in fear and until she whispered his name like a stranger's.

But that silence confirmed everything. That she didn't know anything at all.

"I'm done" Cartman spoke flatly, glancing at his half-eaten meal.

"No!" Lianne cried, bordering on a whine. Like a child, a clueless, bewildered child. Her perfectly manicured nails, red, purled around Cartman's thick wrist and clawed.

"Mom..." Cartman whispered desperately, his anger somehow faltering, struggling for revival.

Cartman gently sat on his knees, so he was eye level with his mom, but she still wouldn't let go.

"Sorry" Lianne shakily breathed out, gasping as her eyes clouded with tears. "I'm so sorry..."

"No. No, mom" Cartman frowned, shaking his head "I'm so-"

"Ssshh" Lianne whispered, closing her eyes and her whole being felt weightless as the word remained an anchored cloud that was all she had.

Slowly, she slipped from the chair and sat on her knees too. With her free, cold hand she tucked Cartman's hair behind his ear and thumbed at his cheek. "You don't have to apologize for anything, okay?"

Cartman nodded, expressionless. Confused and annoyed and he wasn't sure with who.

But he let his mom fall into his unwelcomed embrace and he sat there for what felt like hours as his shoulder got wetter. Scrambling fingers clawed into his back and something felt wrong and alien as he barely hugged her.

But this wasn't the first time and it sure as Hell wouldn't be the last.

* * *

Ophelia. Pale and blond. At least, that's how Cartman imagined her as the girls in class were called upon to read her part. Thankfully, he hadn't been chosen to read Claudius or even Hamlet yet, like some of the other guys had.

The only person Cartman knew who was pale and blond was Kenny. And he was sure Kenny could be just as shrewd and mysterious as Ophelia.

Bebe was nominated to read Ophelia today and with a few obnoxious giggles from her friends, she made her way, red-faced to the front to do her part. Cartman kinda liked Bebe's Ophelia, but she was too sun-kissed and soft, too bubbly and polite to be somebody as crazy and damaged as Ophelia. But her hair was blond and 'styled' in unkempt curls that crawled down her back like ivy and her voice was often elusive and eerily gentle, especially when quoting Shakespeare.

Cartman wondered if he could ever have a crush on her. Or any girl for that matter. Hardly, he figured, as he'd been staring at Craig Tucker for the majority of class and entertaining thoughts that didn't seem so shameful and confusing now. Four years ago, maybe, but today, never.

Cartman was fine with liking guys and noticing the beauty in handsome, hard features, rough hands and eyes framed with lashes that never fluttered flirtatiously. He was even fine with occasionally jacking off to these infuriatingly perfect, chiseled guys who fucked lovelessly for a camera so people could get their release.

Cartman knew that his feelings were his own, perfectly his.

But he couldn't help but wonder, in his more self-loathing moments, was it possible to change? Could he try to like girls as much as he liked guys? So that's exactly what he did. As Bebe read as Ophelia, he tried to find the beauty in her pocket venus shape, her dazzling smile and aquamarine eyes. He knew it was there but he just didn't want it badly enough. His mind kept wandering to his history essay, if his mom had idiotically ordered anything else from the shopping network and if Kenny was gonna be stoned when they met up later on.

Oh, Kenny was definitely Ophelia, Cartman thought, singing crazy songs about the bleakest things to anyone who would listen.

Still, even if girls were only to remain beautiful, pretty, their aesthetic qualities not really the forefront of Cartman's want and even if guys were the object of his desire, what me might let himself fall for, that didn't mean he was gay. At least that's what Cartman told himself.

But he was too closed off to find out.

* * *

A streak of sizzling orange had already rolled over the darkened, mountain peaks when Kenny finally decided to show up to the deserted basketball courts. Cartman didn't know how he could possibly be late, Kenny did nothing all day. He was expelled from school in the ninth grade for almost setting that Hellhole on fire and Kenny's parents were either too stoned or drunk to bother transferring him to Jefferson County or any other county for that matter. Cartman often wondered if people, let alone the school board noticed that Kenny is here, doing his impression of existing. Hanging out with Cartman from time to time, fucking guys in the parking lot of Taco Bell and smoking weed in his bedroom. It seemed difficult to comprehend that people didn't notice or not care about Kenny.

"Hey sports fan!" Kenny exclaimed, cheerful in a way that wasn't chemical.

"Sports fan?" Cartman smirked, raising an eyebrow "Really?"

"Meh" Kenny shrugged, sitting on the abandoned picnic table next to Cartman, overlooking the glistening puddles and hushed houses. "Thought I'd try something new. Shake things up in this town. Is this town getting boring or are we just getting old?"

"Both" Cartman quickly replied. Just thinking about it made him want to leave.

The smell of arid, cigarette smoke shook Cartman from his thoughts and he turned to see Kenny, pale and shivering like always, hunched over his beloved cigarette. He took a deep drag and laughed it into the sky, still playing with the lighter.

"I know my company is taxing enough, but do you really think smoking will make it less painful?"

"Shut up" Kenny mumbles through his cigarette, nudging Cartman before continuing "I have an addiction and it's cold. Fuck spring in Colorado"

"If you weren't so skinny you'd be warmer" Cartman pointed out.

And because he know Cartman hates it, Kenny ignores him and instead asks "Do you want one?"

"Sure" Cartman shrugged. Not even acknowledging Kenny as he took a Marlboro out of the carton Kenny held limply in his hand.

"Can I have a light?" Cartman asked, the cigarette hanging loosely from his lips.

Kenny moved in closer and lit the end of Cartman's cigarette with his own, purposefully brushing their fingers together as he did. Kenny didn't know why, nor did he want to question it, but there was something so damn endearing about Cartman's squeamishness when it came to contact and the fact that people were willing to be close to him. Kenny started to wonder if his mother ever hugged him or kissed him, she probably did before Nebraska, he thought sadly.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Kenny giggled wickedly.

"You're a fucking douchebag, Kenny" Cartman snapped, shaking his head and blushing.

"Oh, Eric, are you going to have a surpise..." Kenny smirked to himself.

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You freak out when somebody looks you in the eyes and lights a cigarette for you" Kenny explains "How are you gonna let a guy fuck you when the thought of intimacy makes you nauseous?"

"Intimacy?" Cartman argues "No, when I have sex with a guy it's gonna be just that. Just sex. No affection, no love, no feelings or any of that cloying crap. As long as he makes me come than I'm good."

"Suit yourself" Kenny practically sang smugly.

Studying his dirty, chewed fingernails Kenny asked "So when are you gonna meet this guy?"

"I haven't really thought about it" Cartman replied honestly. Because he really hadn't. What he just told Kenny was the first time he'd ever considered the type of sex he wanted and he was surprised by how good and practical it sounded.

"You know" Kenny began, putting on the voice he used to score drunken frat boys and suits on business, he ran his hand up Cartman's thigh and cooed "If you wanted me to, I could be just that"

"Fuck, no!" Cartman shouted, pushing Kenny violently away from him and his thigh felt like it stung from where Kenny's grimy hand had sleazily trailed up it.

Kenny may have no morals or principles when it came to fucking somebody he's known since preschool but Cartman certainly did. Though maybe it doesn't just apply to Kenny, Cartman thought, maybe it's everybody.

Meanwhile, Kenny was laughing madly and the cruel sound practically poured from his slender throat. Definitely Ophelia, Cartman thought, with an exasperated grin.

"Listen, sports fan" Kenny began, after he'd calmed down and threw his cigarette in a puddle "The kinda thing you're looking for, it's easy to get."

"Really?" Cartman asked dismissively.

"Yep" Kenny nodded "That's why hardly anybody wants it"

And Cartman thought that was a shame.

* * *

Friday had arrived without Cartman even noticing it. April made the days melt into one frigid, damp blur and Friday didn't make walking home from school in the rain any sweeter. Just like all the days before it, Cartman allowed his clothes to get soaked right through, his hair to fall in dripping bangs hovering over his golden eyes and the Pixies serenaded his journey home.

Apparently, Kenny had noticed Friday and in celebration was at Cartman's house at 11:00 PM throwing snowballs at his window.

"Who the Hell do you think you are?" Cartman called out the window, thinly amused and exasperated "John Cusack?"

"No, if I was John Cusack I'd be holding a boombox over my head, right?!" Kenny shouted back in an inebriated drawl.

Cartman shook his head and laughed warmly in spite of the cold "Right..."

"Get your ass down here, princess!" Kenny yelled, swaying his arms and struggling to keep his balance.

"Why?"

"Remember that bar I keep telling you about?" Kenny asked, his face twisting into a coy expression of hope.

"Kenny, I am not going to some run-down gay club dive on Colfax Avenue!" Cartman shouted, rolling his eyes.

Kenny sighed audibly before pinching the bridge of his nose "It's not a gay _club_ it's a _bar_! There's a difference! You can actually hear yourself think and hardly anyone dances!"

"Still, I don't wanna get fucking mugged on Colfax Avenue!"

"Mugged?" Kenny asked, fluttering his ill-fittingly angelic, cerulean eyes "A big, tough guy like you?"

"Are you seriously trying to flirt with me?" Cartman asked despairingly and somewhat indignantly.

"When am I not?" Kenny cackled, the same self indulgent way he always did when he was the only person who found things funny. "Look at it this way, princess... It kills a few hours, there are cute guys there and plus the dudes on the door are pretty lenient with who they let in so it's not as if we're hauling our asses to Denver to then come straight back because we're underage!"

"Well, that's comforting" Cartman snapped sardonically, folding his arms over his chest. God, he hated spring in Colorado.

"Yeah!" Kenny exclaimed, obviously missing (or just refusing to acknowledge) the sarcasm.

Cartman shot him a disconcerting look before asking apprehensively "And you've been there before?"

"'Course, dude!" Kenny replied, licking his gleaming teeth. "And it was awesome! I blew two guys in the bathroom then went home with this hot, Brazilian piece of ass. Highly recommend it."

Cartman exhaled, his icy breath looking so cruelly pretty in the dense air. His eyes were fixated on the slushy snow of his front yard, as if it had some magic-8-ball qualities that would give him a firm, sharp answer to whether he should traipse all the way down to Colfax Avenue with a clearly drunk Kenny just for some cute guys in a gay bar that apparently differed from a gay club. He tried to adopt the philosophy of what did he have to lose, an unexplained grimace hid the anxious excitement of the many things he could lose if he decided to follow his blond miscreant.

"Is that a yes?" Kenny sang, rather slurred.

"Yes it is. Now shut the fuck up you white trash dipshit before my neighbors hear you!" Cartman replied "Just give me five minutes to get ready, okay?"

Kenny saluted, practically giddy.

Cartman shut his window and tried to calmly count to three, but his chest had seized with blind panic by the time he got to two.

What does one wear to a gay bar? Cartman pondered as he rifled through his sparse wardrobe with a disapproving wrinkle on his button nose. He decided on his favorite jeans, the Oxblood Doc Marten's he had bought last fall with the money grandma had sent him in the mail, a marl burgundy t-shirt and a plaid shirt over the top. Looking in the mirror would be an excercise in futility so he left, leaving his bedroom light on.

His mom had been sleeping since 4 o'clock but he still looked at her bedroom door contemplatively, as if that was enough of a 'Bye mom, I'm going out for a few hours'.

After taking some cash out of his mom's purse, Cartman was ready to leave.

"Yay!" Kenny beamed when Cartman's unsure self emerged from his house. The blond's eyes were glassy and his matchstick legs wobbled worryingly under the weight of his malnourished body.

"Get off!" Cartman grumbled when Kenny's gin-soaked arms had thrown themselves around his neck. God, he reeked of a liquor cabinet.

"Let's dance!" Kenny shouted, his vocal chords eroding under an acidic heat "Let's waltz!"

"I'd rather not" Cartman replied, before holding Kenny at arm's length and trying to meet his unfocused eyes "We haven't got time"

"You're right!" Kenny nodded, grabbing Cartman's arm and pulling him down the street in an enthusiastic, uneven jog "Come on, the next bus to Denver leaves in fifteen minutes!"

And so they ran, their laughs of both exasperation and crisp excitement trickling like spilled whiskey down the sleeping, hollow streets.

Catching the bus just as it was about to pull off.

* * *

Cartman felt abandoned as soon as they stepped inside. Any charming atmosphere created by the glowing, low lit lights and muted decor was being mercilessly trampled on by the sheer volume of people talking. The bar was small and cramped as it was and every conversation created one loud, teeming hum that Cartman feared him and Kenny would not be apart of.

But while he was grimacing and tugging at his shirt self-consciously, Kenny was biting his lip in anticipation and Cartman felt only slightly envious that Kenny could be so God damn sure about this venture. He was struggling to find anything to get excited about. Although, Kenny was right about one thing, the guys were cute, _gorgeous _and Cartman would've happily stared at them all night whilst mindlessly drinking whatever Kenny suggested they order.

Cartman was sure Kenny shouted "Come on!" over the cacophony of voices as he grabbed his wrist and dragged him further and further into the crowd. He was unresponsive as Kenny led him, meeting unknown eyes only briefly before quickly averting his gaze.

Most of the guys who lined the bar table were dressed in suits; ties loosened and crisp white shirts slightly creased as they descended into dark pants. Cartman guessed that these guys had come straight from work, just itching to have a drink and perhaps meet someone who they could take back to the apartment their reasonably paid job afforded them. He wondered how they had the energy, the drive to go to a bar after working all day and possibly face rejection from the cute guy they've been making eyes at. He doubted he could ever do that, everybody here seemed so confident, assured that they could seamlessly fit in and Cartman swallowed nervously at the thought of exhibiting any signs that spoke opposite to that.

Before he could have an asphyxiating panic attack in a small space, Kenny thrust a bottle of Bud in his face and told him to drink. Cartman was surprised at how much better beer tasted when it was served chilled instead of served out of a crappy cooler in a molding basement.

That first drink was an hour ago and he hadn't moved from his comfortable perch. Well, except when he needed to go to the bathroom. Some guy was getting head in one of the stalls and whilst Cartman took a piss he tried to decipher the voice, wondering maybe if it was Kenny, as he'd disappeared fifteen minutes into his first Bud.

Cartman wasn't surprised that Kenny had left him. What was he supposed to do? Hold Cartman's moping hand while rejecting the many offers and pick up lines he was sure to hear this evening? Cartman couldn't deny that Kenny was beautiful, transcendently beautiful. His face was too cherubic, his features too perfect and symmetrical to be hot. Kenny was too deserving of that label. His choirboy face could soften anyone's heart, the way his lips pouted so prettily and how his hollow eyes seemed to shine with no beacon of light to really speak of.

And here Cartman was, the only attention he received this evening from somebody other than Kenny was some punk guy who said he liked his Docs, and some totally blatant dude checking out his dick while he took a piss in the urinal.

Sure, Kenny hung around for a little bit. Cartman watched curiously as your typical tall-dark-and-handsome stuck his tongue down Kenny's throat. Cartman wondered how the Hell Kenny did it, practically falling into someone with such minimal impact, their lips melding perfectly and before you know it, things get passionate. He could never see himself doing that, couldn't process the feeling of a pair of lips against his own or a tongue slipping into his mouth or hands travelling _anywhere._

"Do you mind if I sit here?" A voice, mildly friendly and inexplicably collected asked behind him.

Cartman turned around to face the stranger who had asked the stupidest question he had heard all night and a quick, nervous leap of attraction played along his heartline.

For standing behind him was a cruelly handsome man. Attractive in the most peculiar way; the kind of infuriating attractiveness that you both crave and loathe. Mystery guy was roughly the same size as Cartman, give or take an inch or two, and his deliciously lean self was dressed in an olive-green sweater and dark denim jeans. There was slight red stubble on his jaw and his hair was a fiery, soft mop of scarlet curls, his face looked like he expressed a lot of emotion; laughing at the wittiest jokes, frowning solemnly at the most complex things and arguing and fighting passionately about something he cared deeply for. Cartman kinda liked the sound of the last one. His nose was kinda crooked and Cartman cringed at how even that was somewhat handsome. But his eyes were a bitter green, a nasty absinthe and Cartman would only dare to look into them.

"Yeah, sure" Cartman nodded, digging his crescent fingernails into his palm. He hoped mystery guy didn't notice. Cartman didn't know if he could handle this man sitting next to him. He smelt like faded cologne and lemon.

"My name's Kyle" The not-so-mysterious guy announced as soon as he sat down. Cartman almost jumped at the authoritative, confident hand poised in front of him, waiting to be shook.

"Cartman" He replied, what the fuck was happening? Why was Kyle even talking to him? He was too distracted by these nervous questions that he didn't realize he had introduced himself with his last name.

"That's an interesting name" Kyle grinned, taking a swig of his scotch as if he was just waiting for Cartman to give him the entire back story of his 'interesting' name.

"No, I mean, Eric" Cartman said quickly, blushing as his hand became damp around the bottle of Bud he was holding.

"What?"

"My name is Eric. My last name is Cartman" Cartman finally explained before taking a long swig of his drink in the vain hope it would lessen the horrific blush on his face and his dry, tight throat.

Meanwhile, Kyle laughed softly and eyed Cartman up and down. He had stared at the back of him for half an hour, partly betting himself that Cartman's face would be just as gorgeous as his back and insanely cute broad shoulders (And it turns out Kyle won) and partly deciding whether he would end up looking like a complete jackass if he went over and talked to him.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Eric Cartman" Kyle smiled, wondering if Cartman even noticed that Kyle was checking him out.

"You too" Cartman weakly smiled, his fingers shaking nervously and although he liked having Kyle here, he was becoming increasingly nervous.

Kyle sighed before saying "I would offer to buy you a drink but I'm guessing you've had enough of those, right?"

"This is only my third one" Cartman replied, studying his third bottle with some unknown suspicion.

Kyle moved in closer and Cartman sat there, prickling under Kyle's attention and debating whether to keep it at arm's length. Stuff like this didn't happen to him, people didn't offer to buy him drinks or stare at him like they could want him. But Kyle somehow made it seem so desirable.

"Maybe you're nervous?" Kyle suggested softly, wanting to touch Cartman's elbow comfortingly but not wanting to scare him. He had never met somebody so difficult to read and even after five minutes it seemed exciting. "Do you do this a lot?"

"No" Cartman laughed uncomfortably, shaking his head and staring at his Docs. Why was Kyle wasting his time with him?

"Quiet guy, huh?" Kyle teased.

"I don't know about quiet" Cartman paused to think before continuing "More like easily pissed off by people and their shit"

Hearing Kyle laugh startled Cartman slightly, it was mean and sly in the most charming way. It kinda made him want to elicit it again.

"I get that" Kyle nodded, amused before asking "But wait, if people easily piss you off then I guess my harassing you isn't doing any good, right? I'm not wasting my time, am I?" And Cartman didn't know whether he was joking or not.

Cartman shook his head quickly and tried to look somewhat attractive as he attempted to warmly smile.

But Kyle seemed to like it. "Good. So, another Bud?"

"Please" Cartman replied, but just before he could allow himself to feel comfortable, he remembered something;

"How old are you?" He asked, trying to mask his nervous fidgets at just asking that question.

Kyle looked at him, puzzled for a moment before replying "28... You?"

"23" Cartman lied and when he looked back at Kyle, something told him it was worth it. The same instinctive voice that desperately clung to every justification of all the lies he had told.

"You know it's funny, I thought you looked kinda young" Kyle mused before calling the bartender over and ordering a scotch on the rocks with a twist for himself and a Bud for the 'gentleman' next to him. Cartman found it hard to look at Kyle without blushing appreciatively after he referred to him as that.

"Thanks, Kahl" Cartman smiled quietly as another Bud was handed to him. Cartman burned at saying Kyle's name, like it was too illicit to roll off his already imperfect tongue.

"I like how you say my name" Kyle admitted gently as he twirled his index finger around the rim of his tumbler.

"Really?" Cartman asked, wrinkling his nose in confusion "I don't get what's so special about it"

Kyle shrugged, looking coolly and fearlessly into Cartman's eyes as he said, his words honeyed "Maybe it's just you. I don't know... Maybe there's something about you that's silently likeable and it's manifesting itself in the way you say my name or the way you steal quick glances of me when you think I'm not looking..."

Cartman stared at Kyle, dumbfounded, embarrassed and flattered as he asked "How the fuck did you come up with that?"

"I'm a writer" Kyle explained, as if that said it all "We turn everything into a fucking soliloquy"

As if he couldn't get any more out of my league, Cartman thought rather sadly. But he decided that Kyle was the only good thing that had happened tonight and he wasn't ready for it to end just yet.

"What, like 'To be or not to be'?" Cartman asked.

"'That is the question'" Kyle smiled "And yes, but I could never come up with something as great as that"

"Have you tried?"

"Not really" Kyle answered, effortlessly meeting Cartman's eyes "But maybe I'll take a shot at it" And it was then that Kyle realized that Cartman's eyes stirred the richest shade of gold he had ever seen.

So they sat there, looking at each other contemplatively and lost in the fleeting translations of their eyes. Sitting in a suspended infinity, ignoring their drinks and the other conversations. Cartman wondered if Kenny had ever held someone's gaze for this long, he even wondered if Kenny wanted to, but Cartman couldn't quite understand why he'd want to miss out on something as inconceivably wonderful as staring into the eyes of someone you hardly know but desperately don't want to leave.

Kyle broke first, regrettably dropping his eyes to their neglected drinks. He exhaled, his breath trembling, unsteady before looking into Cartman's eyes once again and asking "Do you maybe wanna sit somewhere a little more quiet?"

Cartman nodded, half-lidded and focusing dreamily on Kyle's eyes. With every heavy, tuneless thump of his drunken heart in his ears, something reminded him of how wrong this all was and Cartman was unsure of how long he could keep ignoring it.

Grabbing their drinks, Cartman followed Kyle to an empty booth and for a while Cartman nervously thumbed at the neck of his beer bottle, scanning the crowd for Kenny.

"Looking for someone?" Kyle asked, taking a sip of his scotch and Cartman blinked when he looked back at him.

"Yeah, actually I am" Cartman replied "My friend, Kenny. He was the one who dragged me here and now he's kinda ran off..."

Kyle took the lemon wedge out of his scotch which was now practically non-existent and watery. He sucked on the lemon and dropped it back into the tumbler, he moved in closer to Cartman until he could feel his warmth and scent. Cinammon and Bud.

He no longer felt cautious around Cartman and was becoming increasingly antsy with the need to just feel his beer-stained lips against his.

"He'll be okay" Kyle practically cooed, close enough for his sultry breath to prickle along Cartman's neck.

"I know he will" Cartman replied, trying to dismiss his overwhelming fear and excitement at having Kyle so close to him "It's typical. He does this shit all the time"

Kyle hated his own pathetic disappointment at Cartman's response and he tried to edge away from him without embarrassing himself or revealing just how disappointed he was. Cartman glanced at Kyle, staring disheartened into his empty tumbler in a way that Cartman knew he was trying so hard to hide, it was almost adorable.

Once Cartman had scolded himself for being a fucking clueless idiot, he then came to the realization he was both dreading and anticipating. But he didn't know how to seamlessly fall into a kiss like Kenny; he didn't know the right places to look or touch, he didn't know how to direct Kyle's lips to his own, he didn't know how to wordlessly tell Kyle what he wanted. He had no God damn idea. Shit, Cartman wished Kyle would've made the first move. But he didn't know whether his idiocy had extinguished Kyle's moment, his confidence, even. And besides, Cartman was becoming impatient, silencing every doubt, he had to kiss Kyle now. Fuck bad ideas, right? Cartman wasn't so sure.

Cartman's eyes dropped to Kyle's slender fingers, curled around his tumbler. Just one tentative touch made Kyle immediately stare at Cartman with gentle yet knowing eyes.

"Do you wanna kiss me?" Cartman thoughtlessly asked, it was a question he had never even considered asking anyone before, swallowing the panic in his throat.

Staring at Cartman's lips, Kyle whispered hungrily "Fuck, yes"

Before Cartman even had a chance to respond, Kyle had cupped his face and brought Cartman's lips to his own. Cartman mewled in surprise but quickly relaxed as Kyle's fingers ran through his hair, his other hand stayed gently on his cheek, his ear resting between Kyle's index finger and thumb. Meanwhile, Kyle's lips captured Cartman's over and over, licking at his mouth encouragingly and Cartman furrowed his eyebrows in frustration that he was too frightened and unsure to kiss Kyle back, although God knows he wanted to.

"You don't do this a lot, do you?" Kyle asked, the words tingled on Cartman's damp lower lip. Kyle still remained enthusiastic and eager and he gently nipped at Cartman's chin in reassurance.

Cartman shook his head apologetically. Kyle thought for a while, staring at Cartman's mouth before explaining huskily "Alright, when my tongue licks at your mouth, part your lips and let me in, okay? Then just do what I do until you feel comfortable..."

Cartman smiled awkwardly in response and blushed, he didn't suppose Kyle expected having to give kissing lessons tonight.

Cartman's eyes were hooded and he trembled as Kyle's hot, wet tongue softly licked his mouth, he was surprised at how he parted his lips without even thinking about it and it was when Kyle's tongue found his own, did Cartman moan, closing his eyes and squeezing Kyle's shoulder gently. They both smiled and giggled wetly before Cartman reached out for Kyle's plush mouth and tugged at Kyle's bottom lip. A tremor of pleasure permeated Kyle as Cartman whimpered, chastely kissing him before things quickly turned French.

The kisses were hard and increasingly wet, their tongues licking at each other while their bruised, kiss swollen lips took a break. And while Cartman would've cringed and barely entertained the thought of being so close to someone, touching Kyle as unabashedly as his quivering fingers were doing now and encouraging someone's mouth to taste every inch of his lips; now he found himself sucking at Kyle's bottom lip and they were biting and kissing with a heady, potent recklessness.

Their breaths and pants of exhaustion and lust were sultry, the air sizzling between them and when they grew tired of deep, throbbing kisses and tasting each other's tongues, they would press their foreheads together and nuzzle wordlessly. Eyes half-lidded and darkened with pleasure, mouthing the kisses they were constantly imagining. They would smirk and shiver feverishly before their lips collided again, sighing and moaning.

It was a clash of lips, teeth and fingers and before Cartman knew it, Kyle's hand was parting his thighs and stroking his groin and fuck, did it feel good. But terrifying. Suddenly, that fear and apprehension was back and hitting Cartman in unrelenting, suffocating droves.

Grabbing Kyle's wrist and releasing his swollen mouth, Cartman helplessly confessed "I'm 18"

"What?" Kyle whispered, not sure whether to laugh nervously. His ragged breathing becoming laced with disbelief.

"I" Cartman began, before sighing defeatedly and staring down at his lap "I'm 18 and... And you're the first guy who's ever kissed me, who I've ever done anything like this with..."

"Wow" Kyle whispered, before smirking timidly "Well, that explains how nervous you were, huh?"

Cartman nodded before shakily replying, trying to be a lot more mature and brave than he felt "Look, even though I'm clearly not good at telling the truth I feel like I should at least be honest with you now, right?"

Kyle nodded, clearly still shocked. "I think you should"

"If you walk away, I'd think you were an asshole. But, but I wouldn't blame you if you did-"

"Hey" Kyle firmly said quickly, interrupting Cartman before he could say anything more. He took Cartman's hand and squeezed it affectionately. "Who said anything about leaving?"

And Cartman couldn't respond to that, it was unclear to him why Kyle was acting so nice. Like he was still interested, like he still _cared._

Once again, they were staring into each other's eyes, not with the previous wild sparks of intensity but with a fruitless search for answers. But both of them were asking very different questions.

"Here" Kyle said before pulling a pen out of his pocket and rolling up the sleeves on Cartman's plaid shirt. He began to write on Cartman's forearm "This is my number. Call me tomorrow and we can go for a coffee, okay?"

"But I-"

"And if you don't wanna get a coffee then please just call me anyway" Kyle said, a pleading tilt to his authoritative voice and he smiled honestly "I'd really like it if we could talk."

Cartman couldn't allow himself to smile when Kyle reached out to gently cup his face.

"I think you should go find your friend" Kyle advised.

And that's exactly what Cartman did. He left the booth wordlessly and ignored Kyle's goodbye smile, the taste of each other lingering on their tongues.

But every time Cartman looked back, a curious Orpheus, his Eurydice was still there, staring thoughtfully into an empty tumbler.

* * *

Kyle sighed forlornly as he walked into an empty apartment. The crowds of boxes in his humble little living room mocking him with Stan's imminent departure. Stan was staying over at Gary's house tonight and since most of his stuff was over at Gary's anyway, he was in no rush to pick these boxes up and take them over to the love shack.

Kyle was happy for Stan and Gary, he really was. But it had been him and Stan against the world since college graduation and this apartment had been the very foundation of that. They had gushed about their one night stands over breakfast (Who the Hell knew that the 'charming ex-Mormon who's still enjoying the rebellion of guilt-free sex and gives amazing head' would turn out to be Stan's soulmate? Kyle couldn't argue, they seemed to be tailored for each other), comforted each other and watched old movies on the couch in times of sorrow and laughed at practically everything in between.

But how Kyle longed to stumble into his apartment and find Stan on the couch watching late night TV or in the kitchen trying (and failing) to cook some Italian-Indian fusion dish he saw online. Just ready to listen to Kyle's neurotic, over thought problems.

Stan had assured him countless times that he was 'only a phone call away' but Kyle wasn't sure how to delicately say 'I just made out with a gorgeous 18 year old and I might be meeting up with him tomorrow' over the phone.

Kyle only ordered one more scotch at the bar after Eric left, he needed something bitter to erode the disappointment that had been left behind with his departure. But Kyle's faith was wavering in his seemingly reliable drink and no amount of scotch could drown the thought of trying to find Eric and talk to him, or, better still, running into him and his drunken friend coincidentally. Everything is so much better when it's poetic, Kyle thought, even the sad stuff becomes so beautiful that it can't help but make you smile.

Soon, thoughts of finding Eric were replaced with welcomed memories of his tongue sweeping across Kyle's, his soft, delicate lips and his newly-discovered want that Kyle helped elicit. Kyle stroked his lips fondly at the thought, the taste of that invitingly peculiar boy still dancing on his tongue.

Still, he found it maddening that a kid (as Kyle kept reminding himself) in his senior year of high school was able to make Kyle so painfully confused and excited. _Come on _Kyle reminded himself _Like Hell he is an 'ordinary kid' if he was an ordinary kid then you wouldn't have written your number on his arm or still be thinking about him, would you? _Kyle wondered if Eric even knew what he was capable of and if he would even believe it.

Kyle fell asleep to the thought of how frustrating it was to still be thinking about Eric. But what was even more frustrating was that he wasn't making any effort to stop.

* * *

**A/N:** _You do not know how long I've wanted to incorporate my whole 'Cartman playing Rugby' head-canon into a fanfiction. _

_Oh, and Cartman likes the Pixies. Yeah. I dunno where that one came from. I was listening to the Pixies whilst writing the first half of this, and I think maybe listening to 'Where Is My Mind?' whilst reading this gets you in that angsty mindset._

_Again, this is my first multi-chapter fanfic, my lovely people, so don't be too cruel if you're gonna leave a review! Thank you for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

As Cartman stood in line at the coffee shop, trying to decide whether he wanted a blueberry or oatmeal muffin when really he wanted neither, a quivering, nervous voice trembled in his mind. Telling him that the door was _right there _and that there was still time to leave and maybe call Kyle later, telling him how sorry he was and then hopefully, they'd never have to speak to each other again.

Cartman was quite proud that he remained defiant against that voice, still, that didn't negate the fact that he was simply stalling. Pondering over muffins that he was too nervous to eat just because Kyle was sitting within a few feet of him and even thinking that provoked some heady, terrifying exhilaration.

Gritting his teeth determinedly, Cartman instead grabbed a bottle of water.

"That'll be two dollars, sir" The pretty cashier smiled, dark curls fell out of her cap, framing her face and her wide hazel eyes were lined prettily.

Cartman dismissively handed her the crumpled dollar bills, not caring if he appeared rude.

He didn't even give her time to thank him, before he left to find Kyle, who was sitting by the wall-length window and watching the mundane traffic of the street, absent-mindedly drinking his coffee. He held his coffee like he held his tumbler, his thoughts threatening to drop it. Cartman smiled at that, hoping that Kyle's little nuances would be enough to make him keep it together.

"Hi" Cartman smiled before nerves cut it short. He had already started peeling the label off his bottle of water.

"Hey" Kyle smiled gratefully, he fidgeted with the impulse to stand up and hug him but then thought against it. "I'm really glad you came"

Cartman hoped that his silence was enough of a readable response, as he sat down. His plaintive eyes were trained on his bottle and he could feel Kyle looking at him. He had never felt so small and exposed and he wondered if this is what it's like to be caught doing something bad. Cartman had never been caught before.

"So" Kyle began awkwardly, before asking "Last night. That was the first time you've ever been to a gay bar, huh?"

Cartman smiled and laughed under his breath "Yeah, it was..."

"Did you like it?" Kyle asked, not sure whether he'd be offended by the answer.

"Well, I met you, didn't I?" Cartman replied, surprised at the lack of hesitancy or doubt in his voice. His smile softened and relaxed when he looked up at Kyle and saw his adorable, surprised expression.

"Very charming" Kyle smirks, his face warm and he hopes that taking a sip of his latte will disguise his flushed face.

"But..."

"What?"

"Before you came along, I..." Cartman began, biting his lip as he searched for the words. Was it appropriate to tell this to a guy he had just met the night before? It was hard to believe that Kyle was seemingly only that. "I was kinda scared"

"Why?" Kyle asked, his eyebrows furrowed with concern and his foot brushed against Cartman's under the table.

Cartman's breath hitched at this secretive, gentle contact before he replied "I didn't think I fitted in. Ever since I was fourteen I had crushes on guys but I didn't wanna admit to myself that I was gay because that was too much of a commitment, you know? I probably sound like a fucking idiot"

"No" Kyle said, that firm, authoritative voice that Cartman took so much comfort in last night "You don't. There's nothing stupid about how you feel"

Wanting to avoid sounding like some groovy camp counsellor Kyle gestured for Cartman to continue with an assured smile.

It took a while for Cartman to find his words again, nobody had ever told him his feelings weren't stupid, or made them seem like they were valid. Mostly because he never gave anybody the opportunity to. But, he admitted to himself quietly, he was kinda glad that if anybody was gonna be the first to tell him such things, it was Kyle.

"Um, I tried really hard to like girls. Or like both or just put my feelings into perspective and write them off as no big deal, but they were" Cartman confessed, hardly believing that he was saying all this in the middle of a coffee shop "I thought if I kissed a guy or felt anything that was too overwhelming to be nothing, then, then I would know"

"And you didn't feel that way last night?"

Cartman breathed out shakily, his smile was shy "No, before you came along. But until then, I felt like I'd lost something that I never really had or didn't know I wanted. I thought, if this is who I'm supposed to be then why does it seem so unappealing. But then you-"

Cartman paused, his heart thumping in his throat and his palms becoming moist and when he looked up, Kyle was hooked on his every word.

Cartman smiled, relieved "You bought me a drink and talked to me and proved everything wrong. And that's terrifying and awesome at the same time."

Kyle was breathless after that, blinking and smiling to himself as he attempted to respond. But he needed time to digest what he had just heard, it felt bizarre that he was able to make Cartman feel that way.

"Don't ever let anybody question your feelings" Kyle finally said, sobered and serious, his eyes becoming sadly reflective. And Cartman wondered if he was thinking about when he was a teenager, and what that was like for Kyle. It was hard to imagine Kyle being anything other than confident, collected and fearlessly passionate. "And I don't just mean now... Wherever you end up and whatever you decide to do, just remember that nobody has the right to tell you that what you feel is wrong. That it's insignificant or unimportant because it sure as Hell isn't"

Cartman was unable to take his eyes away from Kyle; he seemed bruised and jaded, almost as if his own advice came too late.

"But" Cartman whispered, a tinge of helplessness "I don't know what I want, I, I don't know what I feel."

"What's wrong with that?" Kyle asked, with a comforting half-smile "Look at it this way, if you don't know what you want then the possibilities are infinite."

"Is that supposed to be a good thing?" Cartman asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I think it is" Kyle shrugged, studying Cartman and letting the image of him swim in his irises. "You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age"

"Because that didn't make you sound old at all" Cartman teased and he blushed when Kyle laughed, God, it made Cartman _melt _and Cartman always had the impression that he was too closed off and disobliging to melt.

Kyle rolled his eyes, his harlequin laugh burning away and he covered his face with his hands, amused and exasperated "It wasn't that long ago"

"I was eight" Cartman reminded him.

"My point is, I just wish that when I was 18, I could've told myself that I wouldn't be unsure and confused forever. I wish I could tell the Kyle who stayed up until 3AM listening to music in his room and who hardly told his friends anything, that he would figure things out eventually and finally feel okay with himself"

Cartman thought of his own plan then, of leaving South Park as soon as he possibly could and having the luxury of going wherever he wanted. Cities and countries could be so easily disposable to him and he loved how it could take many years and places to finally settle down. Him and Kenny had even talked of doing all of this together, but it had started to become more of an appealing idea to Cartman to just do it on his own.

"So why did you do it?" Kyle's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Do what?" Cartman asked, his mind adrift.

"Lie to me about how old you are" Kyle replied quietly, as if he didn't want to bring it up but that he somehow felt that he must.

"I don't know" Cartman answered flatly before rolling his eyes defeatedly "Fuck, that's a lie of course I know."

"Then tell me" Kyle spoke softly, his foot once again brushing against Cartman's under the table.

Cartman blushed and shyly admitted "Because I couldn't believe that somebody like you would be interested in me."

Kyle raised his eyebrows and bit his lip, he coyly asked "Somebody like me?"

"Come on, have you seen yourself?" Cartman asked incredulously, laughing in genuine disbelief "I mean, the guys you've been with must have said something to you about how, I dunno..."

Kyle ran his foot further up Cartman's leg, while expertly maintaining his half-lidded gaze, teasing him with a faux-cluelessness.

Cartman jolted at the feeling of Kyle's foot trailing up his leg seductively and his blush deepened as he confessed, flustered "I think you're hot, okay?"

"Thanks" Kyle laughed softly, blushing and meeting Cartman's lovely golden eyes.

"Anyway, it seemed impossible that someone like you would even look at me, let alone wanna flirt with me and" Cartman paused then and relished the brief glimmer of surprise in Kyle's eyes when he met his gaze. Cartman swallowed before continuing breathlessly "And kiss me."

Cartman fidgeted awkwardly and added "I have a tendency to make people dislike me and I thought that telling you my real age would make you fucking bolt so I lied."

Kyle sighed thoughtfully and it was then he decided to drop this flirty, coy act. He slid his foot down Cartman's leg and instead curiously stroked his fingers, his hand poised on the table, waiting for Kyle to touch them "You know I would've stayed if you just told me the truth, right?"

Cartman's breath hitched in the confines of his lungs as Kyle's worn yet welcomed fingers brushed against his own. Cartman whispered thinly "Now I do"

Cartman's fingers flexed and he let Kyle hold them. This close proximity and the way they were so neatly and chastely intertwined was unnerving. Cartman couldn't believe he was letting somebody get this close, without any protest or fight and Kyle was still silently wrestling with the moral implications of what he was doing. Sure, Eric was an adult but that still didn't successfully bridge the decade that was between them.

Still holding Kyle's hand, Cartman groaned and rolled his eyes, sighing "God, this is so fucked up..."

"True" Kyle sighed dejectedly, taking a deep considering breath before he asked "But why do we have to keep apologizing for it?"

"What?"

"I realize that this fucked up. It's nothing that I've ever experienced before but" Kyle paused and smiled, squeezing Cartman's hand encouragingly and continuing "We like each other and there's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone, is there?"

Cartman grinned "No, I guess there's not."

Kyle pursed his lips in a flattered smile and his eyes fell to his fingers, linked with Eric's and he burned only a tad shamefully at the thought of those rough hands pawing at him wantonly.

"I almost didn't come today." Cartman muttered guiltily.

"You didn't?"

"No" Cartman answered "I woke up with your number on my arm and I thought I should just call and cancel, but as I was waiting for you to pick up I realized that I couldn't let this end. That this wasn't over just yet."

The two both fed off of each other's excited impatience, the attraction that was making the air tight and heated between them. Their eyes travelled down to each other's mouths and words were quickly abandoned as the mutual want for each other seemed to be inarticulate.

"You don't want this to be over, do you?" Cartman asked breathlessly, praying that Kyle said no. He had no idea what to do with this excruciating arousal otherwise.

Kyle's mouth twitched into a nervous smile before he leaned over their small table, and brushed his lips against Cartman's. The kiss was firm yet elusive and Kyle felt weightless as he indulged in Cartman's soft, full lips. Meanwhile, Cartman sat there, just letting Kyle kiss him, clueless as to how Kyle could just kiss him in the middle of a coffee shop with such a lack of apprehension and seemingly no thought. Eventually, Cartman tilted his head and kissed Kyle back, moaning quietly as his lower lip was cushioned by Kyle's kiss. Cruelly, Kyle released him and whispered hotly and excitedly into Cartman's mouth "No"

Both of them grinned wickedly, their heartbeats creating a whirring, dangerous orchestra in their heads. Cartman stared hungrily at Kyle's mouth and tentatively kissed him again, in the hopes it would illustrate this new, intoxicating desire.

Kyle moaned approvingly and asked, sultry and sizzling as the kiss barely broke "Do you wanna get outta here?"

Cartman was still reeling from the heady kisses, and his eyes were hooded as he nodded dreamily.

* * *

As soon as Kyle's apartment door was slammed behind them, Kyle had grabbed Cartman by his t-shirt and pulled him into what seemed like a long-awaited, throbbing kiss. They had kissed on the entire cab ride over here, Kyle, and Cartman too, were wonderfully surprised by how quickly Cartman was starting to find a more confident rhythm with his kissing. It whetted Kyle's appetite for him even more and he didn't know whether the muffled groans he made during their kisses were out of heavy, fervid pleasure or frustration that Kyle couldn't have him right there in the cab. Still, there was always a nervousness about Cartman's tentative movements, the way his hands trembled around Kyle's body before they pawed at him possessively and roughly, the way his lips tested the humid water of Kyle's before he kissed them adoringly like they were precious pearls.

Currently, Kyle was pressed against his living room wall, color once again flushing to his knuckles once he released Cartman's shirt from his grip. His deft hands pawed at Cartman's wide chest, tugging at his shirt and between their fiery, bittersweet kisses, Kyle smiled wantonly at the flashes of skin his hooded, emerald eyes could detect.

This was the first time in Cartman's life where he could lucidly imagine holding someone so close that you leave a trail of bruises behind, kissing somebody until the both of you are delirious and breathless and actually see the passion and pleasure painted beautifully on someone's face, hear it escape from their throat. And with every bite and kiss, every hardened drag of eager fingers, Cartman pictured Kyle as his object of desire, his body and sizzling heat palpable beneath him.

"Kahl?" Cartman whimpered, his one hand resting against the wall, close enough to slide his fingers through Kyle's beautiful curls and see the gorgeous contentment etched on his face. The other hand was quivering in the comforting warmth of Kyle's neck, Cartman's thumb twitched and he groaned smugly when Kyle's winged pulse sang swiftly under his touch.

"Yeah?" Kyle moaned, swinging his arms around Cartman's neck and dragging him closer.

"Could you not treat this like it's my first time?" Cartman asked.

Kyle softened then, his eyes focused nowhere but Cartman's grateful gaze. Kyle had to stand on his tiptoes and his limp arms managed to pull Cartman closer to him, their foreheads pressed together. So close that they could taste the crisp, sultry sweat of their skin, so close that they almost seemed out of focus to each other; muted, tangibly warm versions of themselves. Cartman almost moaned, he instead nuzzled into Kyle's cheek and Kyle bit his lip and gently squeezed Cartman's neck in appreciation.

"It's just that" Cartman began, he couldn't help himself, Kyle's soft, alabaster skin was centimetres away from his tongue. He quickly and tenderly licked Kyle's skin and continued "I don't want any of that watered down, reassuring bullcrap, okay? No telling me it's alright or that you'll be gentle-"

"So, don't fuck you like a virgin?" Kyle smirked, his fingers seemed like remnants of a much missed dream as they slid down Cartman's shoulder and their eyes met once again, glistening and bright.

"Exactly" Cartman grinned, his eyes lowered to Kyle's mouth and he bit at Kyle's plump, damp, lower lip. Kyle groaned, bucking his hips so his hot groin slid over Cartman's thigh. At that moment, Kyle would've done anything Eric told him to.

"Alright" Kyle whispered, before their lips collided again.

Kyle felt that gravity had abandoned him in Cartman's grip, he anchored himself on Cartman's upper arms and smiled into the kiss when he felt his muscles subconsciously flex. Just like Kyle had imagined, Cartman was insatiably pawing at him, the kiss pausing briefly for Cartman to clumsily pull Kyle's jacket off him and throw it on the floor.

With that, Kyle's hands fell from Cartman's arms to his jeans, an adrenaline Kyle hadn't felt in a long time making his fractious fingers shake as they fumbled with the fly. Though he supposed the sore sucks and bites Cartman was currently littering on his neck were distracting him too, Cartman's thumb swept across Kyle's mouth and Kyle nipped at it playfully.

Kyle didn't know where he managed to find the strength to moan, broken and mindless "Bedroom. Now." As Cartman tipped Kyle's chin up and claimed his mouth again. Kyle felt lost in the velvety heat of Cartman's lips and how Cartman had managed to seize all of him with the most delicate of actions.

Cartman nodded at Kyle's demand and he almost whined frusratedly when their kiss-bruised lips were seperated. It wasn't long before they were connected again; Kyle's arms once again slung around Cartman's neck, while Cartman found his hands at Kyle's lower back, tracing his spine and lifting up Kyle's shirt in the process.

It wasn't until Cartman pushed Kyle into the open doorway of the bedroom, with a guttural groan of lusty effort, did he take Kyle's shirt off. Their labored breathing wore each other out in the narrow space between them, their rich eyes fiercely locked and their mouths trembling feverishly. Cartman blushed as he drank Kyle in, shirtless, with his curls messy and finger-combed, his eyes flickering, encompassing Cartman entirely and Cartman was sure that Kyle must have been the most sexy, desirable, breathtakingly stunning person he had ever seen in the flesh. And it was all for Cartman, _how fucking terrifying is that? _his eyes widened at the realisation and the first mutinous, uncontrollable drove of a panic attack pervaded and clouded Cartman's mind.

A candid, soft hand reached out to touch Cartman's face and when he looked up, Kyle was smiling at him reassuringly, in the penumbra of Cartman's merciless shadow of doubt. He kissed Kyle confidently and pressed him further into his embrace, Kyle sighed audibly and arched up into the kiss and he was sure he could feel his feet leave the floor.

"Here" Kyle whispered the word like a quickly disposable syllable, licking Cartman's top lip and guiding him to his bed.

Their lips never parted when they fell on the bed, not even through the ecstatic, secretive laughs that they softly exchanged at the very thought of being here, the coffee shop and bar, fears and insecurities a distant memory. Kyle pushed Cartman's legs apart with his knee and when Kyle slid up Cartman's body, they licked at each other tongues and exhaled shakily. They canted together as they kissed roughly, Cartman felt himself sink into the mattress but raised his hips slightly so Kyle could pull off his jeans that hung low on his hips.

Kyle ran his hand under Cartman's shirt and shivered at the warm skin that kissed his fingertips, while Cartman wrapped his arms around Kyle and let his hands travel anywhere; clinging to his curls, dragging his fingers across Kyle's writhing back and squeezing his ass. Kyle breached into Cartman's shoulder, peppering it with kisses when Cartman sat up to kiss Kyle's chest and collarbone.

"Hmm, Eric..." Kyle murmured into Cartman's shoulder as he circled his tongue around Kyle's hardening nipple.

Wrapping his leg around Kyle's waist, Cartman effortlessly pulled himself on top of Kyle, who gladly relinquished control. They found themselves in a kiss that was so deliciously incensed with a careful, slow burning desire that Kyle couldn't bear for it to end, his trembling hands cupped Cartman's face and he closed his eyes gently as Cartman tenderly explored his mouth.

The kiss ended prematurely and Cartman and Kyle gazed at each other longingly, finding each other all over again, not knowing what to do next. They saw each other, immersed in the gleaming pools of their irises and something swelled and retreated within them. Cartman smiled thoughtfully and pressed their foreheads together, wiping away the saliva that still connected their lips while Kyle reached out for Cartman, brushing away the hair that fell into his caramel eyes.

Cartman sat up on his knees, taking his shirt off and tossing it aside. The lustrous shade in Kyle's eyes quirked and his legs subconsciously spread at finally seeing Eric so provocatively. Holy fucking shit, Kyle thought, he's _beautiful _He never realized how tall Eric was, how broad his shoulders were, how he could easily pick Kyle up and carry him over his shoulder if he was so inclined. But it was the puppy fat that still clung to him, how muscle threatened to flex from his chunky arms and legs and how Eric was blushing and smiling shyly, running a quivering hand self-consciously through his chestnut hair that made Kyle bite his lip and blush too. _Beautiful _and Kyle would bet that Eric didn't even realize it.

Cartman watched Kyle curiously as he started to greedily kiss his way up Cartman's stomach and chest. Cartman was laughing shyly when Kyle kissed his forehead, both sitting on their knees and laughing into each other mouths before they kissed again. Cartman squeezed Kyle's hips and pulled him closer, as Kyle wrapped his arms around Cartman's neck, tangling his fingers in his hair.

"Want you, Kahl" Cartman mewled, in between heated kisses, surprised by his own admission.

"Hmm" Kyle whimpered, unbuttoning his own jeans before pushing Cartman back on the bed.

Kyle smirked as Cartman stared up at him, wide-eyed and breathlessly aroused. But it wasn't long before Cartman arrogantly smirked back, parting his legs for Kyle to come closer. Cartman almost bucked his hips and groaned wantonly at the thought of Kyle's arousal meeting his own.

Kyle grabbed hold of Cartman's wrists, pinning him to the bed as he moved in closer. Their lips skidded across each other, neither of them wanting to break this inexplicably wonderful suspense. But with a sudden roll of his hips, Kyle's arousal frotted against the hardened manhood in Cartman's boxers and it was when Cartman threw his head back and unabashedly cried out in wonderful relief did Kyle lick his mouth open.

They frotted slowly and deeply for a while, Kyle's grip on Cartman's wrists tightening when the dry, heated pleasure seemed to cool excruciatingly, sending a sweet shiver to crawl down his spine. Cartman bucked his hips in time with Kyle's thrusts and his eyes rolled to the ceiling before descending into delicious darkness where all he could register was Kyle's tongue working his own, his flaring grip on his wrists and the searing, coarse heat that perfectly complimented the dampness of his boxers.

Cruelly, Kyle's tongue slipped from Cartman's mouth, he whined irritably at the empty, wet sensation that Kyle had left. But closed his eyes in relief when Kyle started to collar his neck with red, swollen lovebites.

Kyle's own groans and sighs of pleasure permeated Cartman's throat, wracking his body like sobs.

"Oh" Kyle breathed out, shaken, into Cartman's ear, grinding his hips harder into Cartman's groin and biting at his earlobe when he moaned.

"Want my mouth on you?" Kyle asked huskily, his tongue in Cartman's ear.

Cartman nodded, turning his head for Kyle's grateful lips to collide with his own. They both smiled, intoxicated.

Cartman's wrists ached when Kyle freed them from his grip, his fingers instead trailing down Cartman's body at the same hungry yet indulgent pace as his full, plush lips. Cartman's fingers paled as he expectantly clawed them into the mattress, the closer Kyle's mouth was to his boxers, the more Cartman could feel every untouched, helpless nerve igniting and succumbing more and more to the submission Kyle was leading him to.

Kyle sat up on his knees, his panting laced with a guilty, illicit pleasure at the thought of taking whatever was hidden in those boxers, in his mouth. His quivering fingers ran through his already tousled hair and although Cartman didn't want any assuring or considerate questions, Kyle's lush green eyes met Cartman's with a questioning gaze. _Are you sure?_

Feeling the last shred of reluctance catch fire and be swallowed whole by his glowing nerves, Cartman nodded.

The coy, sexy half smirk Kyle offered was enough to make Cartman doubly sure of what was about to happen. Kyle's fingers felt warm and moist when they carefully pulled at Cartman's boxers and he raised his hips slowly to help Kyle take them off.

Cartman was unsure whether Kyle even touched him, as his pale, slender fingers seemed to ghost across his flesh without any contact at all. His boxers landed on Kyle's bedroom floor and for the first time in his life, he was naked in front of somebody who made his heart recklessly race, who he desperately wanted and who made him feel brave and vulnerable at the same time. It almost made Cartman laugh, but he didn't. Instead he just shyly smirked, humbled by how wonderfully crazy this all was.

And the way Kyle was staring at him. Like he wanted him back, like Cartman was all that mattered. It made Cartman's heart leap into his throat and punctuate every blink.

Kyle swallowed, his throat dry and hot when he silently lifted Cartman's legs, separating them without protest. Kyle's lips felt molten against the sensitive skin on Cartman's thighs and Cartman didn't know whether it was the deep throbbing kisses, the sensual, teasing bites or the way Kyle's curls brushed against his skin; But Cartman felt emptied. His toes flexed as his calves hung limp, his knees bruising Kyle's shoulders and he felt emptied of doubt, insecurity, home and everything else that existed beyond the lucid cosmos of this still strange bedroom, Kyle's mouth and the tempestuous attraction between them.

Cartman choked on his own surprised gasp as Kyle delicately pinched and rolled back his foreskin that sheathed the purple, glistening head that lay beneath. Cartman's quivering member already shone with pre-cum, allowing Kyle to easily slide most of Eric's seven inches into his mouth. When Cartman cried out and bucked his hips at Kyle's wet heat enveloping his cock, Kyle loosened his jaw and instead let his talented tongue lick up the shaft, while his hand kept a teasing, relaxed hold on the base, loving how even the slightest move of his thumb could drive Eric crazy.

Cartman burned beautifully under the honeyed finesse of Kyle's mouth and his slick tongue, working him until Cartman admitted some kind of defeat. His fingers struggled for much needed purchase on the mattress, Cartman feared that if he didn't keep some semblance of control he'd be lost to Kyle's incredible seduction forever. But was that really such a bad thing?

"Thick" Kyle moaned mindlessly to himself before his jaw tightened and he began to rhythmically suck at Eric's girth again. Kyle felt he had lost the ability to form complete sentences as soon as they entered the bedroom. Cartman chuckled to himself, rolling his eyes to the ceiling in acceptance of Kyle's dominance over him but it wasn't long before Cartman was back admiring Kyle's display, struggling to keep his searing eyes open.

Kyle gasped hotly as he released Cartman's manhood and his mouth instead went to his balls; Kissing them and laving at the sac with his skillful tongue.

"Christ" Cartman whispered, sultry and ragged to the ceiling. His balls tightening with the promise of an orgasm. "Fuck me..."

"What?" Kyle asked, his eyes widening with excitable surprise. His own hardened cock twitching in his unbuttoned jeans at hearing those two wantonly sweet words.

"I said, fuck me" Cartman growled, unsure if he meant to.

Kyle crawled up Cartman's body, staring at him with lusty, affectionate eyes as he gently ran his fingers through Cartman's damp hair.

"Yes, sir" Kyle smirked, licking his teeth and smashing his lips hard against Cartman's, becoming more tender when a veil of crimson appeared to shimmer on both their mouths.

As Kyle reached over and fumbled in his dresser drawer for his lube, Cartman was busy exploring Kyle's mouth with his tongue and pulling off Kyle's jeans and boxers.

"Mmm" Kyle moaned, their naked bodies frotting as they kissed wildly. His voice was gravelly as he whispered into Cartman's mouth "Turn around..."

So Cartman did as he was told, for once in his life. He blushed madly at the position he was in, so lewd and sensual, his heartbeat becoming asphyxiatingly loud at the thought of Kyle being _that _close to him and what it would feel like. Cartman panted into the pillow, out of both pleasured exhaustion and inexplicable, cloyingly nervous excitement.

Kyle, meanwhile, was coating his fingers in lube and drinking Eric in; the fluid, ever so slight movement of the muscles in his broad shoulders, the way his pre-cum was making a mess of his comforter and how addictive his passion was. Kyle would've greedily soaked up every last drop until the both of them extinguished fervently together if he could.

Kyle's fingers splayed over Cartman's just as affectionately and reassuringly as they did at the coffee shop and Cartman felt the same sense of heady attraction when he felt Kyle's damp chest against his back. Kyle's perfect lips skimmed the milky skin of Cartman's broad shoulder and kissed their way to Cartman's ear. And just hearing Kyle's lusty, labored breathing was enough to make Cartman arch his back, causing Kyle's erection to stroke his heavy, tight balls.

Kyle groaned in Cartman's ear at the contact his member recieved, sending a lax, iced teardrop to roll down Cartman's spine.

"You really are something else, huh?" Kyle whispered, tracing the shell of Cartman's ear with his tongue.

"I don't know about that" Cartman laughed, his words threatening to evaporate under the flimsy, sizzling air.

"Believe me, you are" Kyle reassured, his wet hand slipping between Cartman's thighs before tentatively sliding a finger into his opening.

Cartman gritted his teeth and shuddered at the unusual sensation, unable to grasp the tremor of pleasure he had felt. His hand fiercely gripped the sheets and he felt Kyle's coarse palm skid across his tensed knuckles, as Kyle squeezed his hand in reassurance.

Soon, a second finger was added, pushing past the ring of muscle. The kisses Kyle peppered on Cartman's shoulder and jaw and the gentle scissoring motion of his fingers inside him made that tremor of pleasure shake more vehemently without preamble and Cartman found himself moaning mindlessly into the mattress.

Cartman cried and arched his back when Kyle found the plushed rose of his prostate, a white-hot, silky zenith that, with Kyle's heavenly touch, set Cartman ablaze. Kyle bit at Cartman's writhing shoulder playfully, almost crying out himself at the potent, heady taste of carnal sweat and blood.

"Now" Cartman demanded bonelessly, swallowing the stagnant amylase in his mouth "Please, fuck me, Kahl, please..."

With his eyes half lidded and his body wracked with a zealous lust, Kyle nuzzled and panted into Cartman's hair "Yeah..."

Cartman squirmed at suddenly feeling empty, Kyle's hand moving to his hip, presumably so he could easily slide his cock in. And just thinking that sparked a jolt of pleasure in Cartman's groin, the embers burning in his thighs.

Their fingers, so closely intertwined, creaked when Kyle eased himself inside Cartman, the both of them shattering with the force of each other. Kyle cried helplessly into Cartman's shoulder, while Cartman seemed to falter, biting back a scream until he could taste blood in his mouth, his forehead buried in the mattress and his plexus seemed to weaken with submission.

But he could hear Kyle panting in his ear, trying to string a coherent sentence together and Cartman unabashedly loved how somebody as poised and unshakeable as Kyle could feel such overpowering desire for him. Planting feeble kisses on his back, Kyle rolled his hips and drove deeper, hissing hotly as Eric's walls tightened around him and a bittersweet vein of pleasure seemed to ghost around his throbbing erection. Meanwhile, Cartman managed to snap his trembling hips back, allowing Kyle to stretch him until he was balls deep.

"Kahl" Cartman moaned, his voice laced with a sob, biting back hot tears.

"Eric" Kyle breathed out roughly. With a lewd groan, Kyle pulled out halfway, his body sighing with pleasure at hearing Cartman cry softly, before driving back in. Kyle's voice felt small, eroding into a sizzling whisper "Like that?"

Cartman nodded, his fingers flexing under Kyle's grip.

As if to weaken the violent, wild passion that roared within them both, they fucked hard and rough at first. The pain seamlessly unraveling into insatiable, blind pleasure for Cartman. Every deep thrust inside him, every bite and steely kiss that marred his skin and every hungry, gratified moan Kyle made that Cartman knew was all for him; Made him cry and groan with unadulterated passion. In Kyle's control, he felt limp and numbed from anything else besides the pleasures, grand and slight, that Kyle offered him. The most exhillirating hurt that Cartman thought he would never experience, let alone enjoy. His body pressed into Kyle's bed, his scent pervading his nose, his taste still in his mouth, his groans and sighs of pleasure rattling through his liquefied mind and their bodies intertwined; Kyle had consumed him.

"Fuck, Eric-" Kyle groaned, unable to finish his sentence as another implosion of pleasure silenced him. He nuzzled into Cartman's hair, his mouth reaching out for more desperate kisses and his fingers twitched in Cartman's hold. God, he was drowning in Eric. His cries and moans like a siren's call in the shell of Kyle's ears, sending an intoxicating reverb throughout him. His tight heat swallowing and engulfing Kyle over and over.

After the sweat had cooled and the lust had melted, golden and translucent, the two of them both slowed. Time had become intangible, dismissing the seconds, minutes and hours that had seemingly passed by. They shivered, their skin dewed and Kyle rolled his hips slowly and tenderly, rocking Eric's body in a maddeningly beautiful pleasure. Cartman moaned longingly, he felt his own hot, moist breath as he sighed against the sheets, mouthing the word "yes" over and over until the word just became a leitmotif to their carnal symphony. Kyle cried weakly at the word, silently begging for it to never stop rolling from Cartman's sweet tongue.

"Eric" Kyle whispered, his voice thick with the need to cry out "Look at me"

And so Cartman did, his eyes a poisonous shade of gold, lidded and exhausted. The both of them were panting shallow breaths, coated with sweat and just as blissfully strung out and wrecked as the other. They stared hazily into each other's eyes as they rocked together, their lips once again imagining the kisses they could exchange.

"Say 'yes' again" Kyle begged, kissing Cartman's jaw but never taking his eyes away from him.

"Yes" Cartman weakly smiled, his mouth trembling. "Kahl, I'm close..."

"Me too" Kyle nodded, panting and kissing Cartman's temple.

Kyle's hand moved from Cartman's moving hip and slid between his thighs, pumping his dripping cock. Cartman jolted and whimpered, his lips meeting Kyle's in a struggling kiss. Their tongues licked at their lips and Cartman fucked Kyle's hand, his body aching with the need to orgasm.

Kyle thrusted hard into Cartman and bit at his stinging lips when he came heavily. The rush of heat inside him made Cartman shiver and as Kyle slipped his softening cock halfway out, Cartman cringed and whimpered at the hot, white seed that had started to trail down his thighs.

Shortly after, Cartman cried softly and gritted his teeth; coming to Kyle's sporadic thrusts against the warmth inside him and his hand pumping his cock simultaneously. His release was heavy and messy on Kyle's bed, but Cartman's embarrassment about it all was quickly extinguished by the firm kiss that was pressed to his lips.

They eventually collapsed, strung out and shaking.

Wordlessly, Cartman rested his heavy, exhausted head on Kyle's chest; falling asleep to his tuneless heartbeat. Kyle sighed, biting his satisfied smile and he ran a hand through Cartman's drenched hair.

* * *

Kyle wished he had a better opening line than: "You're awake" when Cartman woke up. But he was tired himself, refusing to fall asleep when Eric was here. He didn't want him to wake up with no one to talk to.

"I was sleeping?" Cartman asked, his voice sagging and he rubbed at his eyes. He glanced at the messy bed they both were laying on, their naked bodies and Kyle's leg wrapped limply around his own.

"Yep" Kyle nodded and he almost purred at Cartman subconsciously stroking his shoulder.

"Sorry" Cartman blushed, he couldn't stop staring at Kyle no matter how many times he tried to peel his eyes away "I was just really tired and-"

"Don't" Kyle replied, his voice hushed "I get it. Today has been really... overwhelming." Kyle paused then, ignoring the vein of pleasure that trembled in his groin at the memory of afternoon's events. "It's fine"

Cartman smiled softly, staring at Kyle's mouth and still feeling gloriously wrecked as he let Kyle hold him.

The both of them wondered how long they could keep this up; contemplating kisses, staring at each other shamelessly and not feeling the need to get dressed. Any amount of time they could fathom was too short but in their current unknown state, their options were infinite and that meant forever was possible. And they kinda liked that.

"What's with the boxes in your living room?" Cartman asked "Are you moving out or something?"

"Really?" Kyle laughed exasperatedly, rolling their eyes "That's the burning question right now?"

"You can't blame me for being curious" Cartman shrugged, his smirk uncontrollable "I mean, you can't even see your furniture there's so many boxes..."

"Well, they're not my boxes" Kyle explained "They're my roommate's"

"Oh" Cartman nodded "You must be psyched that he's moving out"

"Why?"

"Because aren't people supposed to hate their roommates?" Cartman asks "Aren't you supposed to get pissed off when they leave passive aggressive notes on the fridge, or don't do their fair share of the chores or when they don't respect your personal space?"

Kyle laughed and asked wryly "So I'm guessing you're gonna live by yourself?"

"If I can help it" Cartman grinned and Kyle couldn't help but visibly melt. There was something about the way Eric looked when he had just woken up, and not just that, when he had woken up in a post-coital high. It was infuriatingly sexy.

"For your information Stan has never left me any passive aggressive notes, he cleans up whenever he's at home and he's a very private guy" Kyle replied "He's the ideal roommate and my best friend."

God, Cartman shuddered at the thought of living with Kenny. He imagined there would be drug paraphernalia scattered around the apartment, Kenny would lose his key on a regular basis and they would be thrown out of the building before you could say 'rent' due to a drug raid.

"Are you gonna miss him?" Cartman asked, disliking the timid, more sombre tone he suddenly had adopted.

"Of course I am" Kyle frowned, sighing and trailing his foot soothingly up and down Cartman's calf "I've lived with him since college graduation and I know it's not like he's moving to the other side of the world but, we're so close. Still, I'm really happy for him... And Gary"

"Who's Gary?"

"His boyfriend. Ex-Mormon, insanely perfect, but once you get to know him, and tried one of his Rice Krispy squares, he's a nice guy"

"So" Cartman began, not really sure why he was even asking this question "You've known Stan since college, huh?"

"Yep"

"Have you and him ever fucked?" Cartman asked, hating how a horrible blush had rushed to his face.

Kyle nodded, moving closer to Cartman and feeling his cooling body heat.

"Really?" Cartman asked, his eyebrows raising as he tried to picture Kyle having sex with somebody else. Not like he had kidded himself that Kyle hadn't had sex before, it wasn't just the most auspicious of thoughts.

"Yeah, um, in freshman year. At a party in my first week of college" Kyle replied and Cartman adored at how fondly and awkwardly Kyle was smiling, as if the memory was so fervid that Kyle could easily slip into the moment. As if the opportunity was still in front of him. Cartman wondered if when Kyle drank cheap beer or heard the song that was playing as him and Stan were hooking up, did he reminisce. And then he started to wonder, would Kyle fondly recall him too. "We were drunk but I remembered seeing him at orientation and noticing how cute his smile was and when I saw him at that party he came onto me and said he noticed me at orientation too. So, yeah, I was all excited about being free and independent in college and he was too. We wanted to do something wild and stupid, so we ended up doing each other. But the next morning we were hungover and embarrassed and instead of acting like a dick, he was really cool and we've been best friends ever since"

Cartman nodded and stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully "Was that your first time?"

"No" Kyle replied, this time clipped and uncomfortable and Cartman couldn't help but wonder why. The hurt Kyle exhibited was intriguing and Cartman wanted to know who had made him feel this way, he was almost offended, but mostly curious "I was in my senior year of high school and it was with some random guy whose name I don't want to remember and he only fucked me because he was bored of his girlfriend... God, he made me feel like an idiot. Like I was worthless, you know?"

Hesitantly, Cartman squeezed Kyle's shoulder when he saw how distant Kyle's gaze was and how he couldn't look at him without revealing the imperfect breaks in his resolve. "Sorry" Kyle whispered, trying to laugh apologetically but failing.

"Don't be" Cartman muttered, it was unnerving having to comfort Kyle. Cartman wasn't sure whether he would be any good at it. "I'm not surprised you don't wanna remember his name, he sounds like a fucking cunt-canoe to me"

"Cunt-canoe?" Kyle laughs, so infectious that Cartman started to laugh too.

"Yeah" Cartman smirked goofily "I may not be a writer but when it comes to cursing, I'm pretty damn eloquent"

"I'm not denying that" Kyle grins, wiping his eyes with his free hand, sinking more into Cartman's protective, strong hold.

Before either of them could stop it, they had slipped into a comfortable silence where no words needed to be spoken. It was just the sounds of the city and the pounding of their hearts. It wasn't the kind of silence that people who have known each other for less than forty eight hours should've so easily shared.

"I just hope that" Kyle began, swallowing nervously before gently cupping the side of Cartman's face and directing his gaze towards him "That your first time was a lot better than mine. Because, believe me, if your first time is hideous then you'll spend years trying to recreate it and make it perfect. And that's a fucking miserable venture"

"Kahl" Cartman began, pulling Kyle effortlessly on top of him and God, did Kyle want to fucking kiss him just because Eric was able to do that "This was amazing. Better than I ever thought my first time would be"

"I'm glad" Kyle gasped, lost in Eric's golden stare, feeling flattered heat prickle at his cheeks.

And as they kissed, naked and their earlier arousal slowly awakening, Kyle couldn't help but sadly and naively wish and ponder what it would've been like if him and Eric's stars had crossed at the same time. At the same, perfectly aligned place. If only the constellations were kind enough, if only they operated under a celestial algorithm.

* * *

Cartman had declined Kyle's invitation to stay the night but had agreed to meet up with him again. However, when him and Kyle were kissing goodbye at the door, Cartman was starting to regret his decision. Everything felt so sure and unbreakable at Kyle's place, in Kyle's bed...

And the closer Cartman got to home, the more he felt the distance, the more he felt like something right and real was slipping away from him. Kyle was in Denver and he was on his way back to his hometown, full of strangers he had known all his life, a place that offered no answers.

"Mom?" He had called out inside his darkened house.

Cartman didn't wait for an answer he probably already knew. Instead, he went to the living room and threw himself on the sofa, turning on the TV with no intention of actually watching it.

Cartman blushed as he continued to think about Kyle; how the scent of his apartment was still on his clothes _You lost your virginity today _how he could headily recall Kyle's body against his _You lost your virginity today _Kyle's lip on his neck _You lost your virginity to a guy you've only just met _Kyle's hands on his wrists_You lost your virginity to a guy ten years older than you _How pleasure had never been so searing, so excruciatingly intoxicating_Do you not see a problem with this? Of course you do _How inexplicably right it felt_You can't take it back now. What do you think Kyle is gonna want with you after this? He's got what he wanted, hasn't he? You. In the most gratuitous way. And you were so stupid and desperate to give it to him. Sure, it may have been amazing but now you're here, all alone and he's in his apartment probably smugly congratulating himself on how he's taken something of yours that, when he once had it, he wasted._

Great, Cartman thought, I'm having a panic attack with nobody around to calm me down or no way to stop it. He tried to breathe but the anxiety had even greedily seized that and left him defenseless. The TV seemed to drone louder, mockingly and his vision became starry and cloying as passing out became a favorable option.

Kyle. Kyle, he could call Kyle! No, wait, he couldn't. Kyle didn't want to hear his anxious, paranoid self trying to string a sentence together over the phone.

Cartman called Kenny instead, praying he would be able to talk.

"Hey there, sports fan!" God, Cartman had never been so happy at hearing that stupid term of 'endearment'

"Hey, dude, listen, I need to talk to you..." Cartman choked on every word, he hoped it wasn't noticeable.

"Sure" Kenny replied breezily "What's up?"

"You remember me telling you this morning how I was meeting that guy I from the bar?" Cartman asked "Kahl?"

"The cute, scotch-drinking redhead?" Kenny asked "Of course I remember! How did it go? Was it awkward or did you let him down gently?"

Cartman swallowed what could've been anxious vomit at the back of his throat before replying "Uh, actually, he's a really cool guy and we ended up going back to his apartment and um, having sex"

Where Cartman was expecting some crude rejoice for Kenny's "Little Eric" finally popping his cherry, instead there was a cold, spiteful "Oh"

Cartman furrowed his eyebrows and felt confusion erode his previous anxiety "What do you mean, 'oh'?"

"Nothing, man" Kenny replied unconvincingly before his tone became bitterly impatient "So, what, why are you calling? Couldn't this have waited until a more reasonable hour? You do realize it's two AM don't you?"

"No, I didn't" Cartman snapped "And since when do you care about what time people call you?"

"When it's a booty call, I'm all for it" Kenny replied, struggling to shift the irritation from his voice "When it's boring, mundane shit like this then I can think of better things to do. Like sleeping, for example"

"Whatever, cocksucker, and me calling you didn't seem like such a big deal a few minutes ago!" Cartman snapped, pissed off and planning on kicking Kenny's ass "This isn't boring, mundane shit, I need advice! Isn't that worth being woken up for?"

"Fine" Kenny sighed out of both guilt and an unwillingness to argue anymore "What is it?"

Cartman was sure that Kenny was going to hang up during the thoughtful, unsure pause that barely kept them connected.

Finally, Cartman asked "Is there something wrong with me for sleeping with Kahl so soon?"

The sigh Kenny made crackled warmly. "No" Kenny smiled exasperatedly, Cartman sounded too infuriatingly adorable "There isn't. Did you like it? Was it good?"

"It was amazing, Kenny..." Cartman replied honestly, biting his lip to control the fond smile on his face. "But I think he may be amazing too, God, I can't explain it-"

"Then you've got nothing to worry about." Kenny replied weakly "Listen, I gotta go but you can tell me more when I see you tomorrow, right? Breakfast at your house still cool?"

"Dude, you've been doing this every Sunday since ninth grade, it'll always be cool" Cartman laughed, rolling his eyes before hanging up.

* * *

When Stan arrived at Kyle's apartment to collect his boxes, he came bearing bagels.

"Something looks different about you..." Stan suspiciously remarked as him and Kyle sat opposite each other, cross-legged on the bare island in Kyle's kitchen.

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked, too distracted by the deliciousness of one of the aforementioned bagels to really pay attention.

"Like, I dunno, you look refreshed" Stan shrugged, dusting crumbs off a faded band t-shirt that he bought when he was stoned at a concert. "Brighter. If you were a woman I'd think you were pregnant"

Kyle rolled his eyes and smirked wryly "Well, I'm not pregnant, genius"

"Really?" Stan sardonically replied, with widened eyes to really drive the sarcasm home "Jesus Christ, you know this is the first time I've noticed your lack of tits and vagina?"

"Is it old age that's making you more of a sarcastic queen?" Kyle asked, narrowly dodging a napkin that was thrown his way by a less-than-amused Stan.

"Dude, I'm not a queen and I'm not old" Stan glared, the thought of becoming a boring, cynical old guy terrified him and yet he also feared turning into his father who attempted to be youthful way beyond his time "Talk to me when I'm thirty and it'll be a different story."

"Anyway, my sudden vitality may have something to do with the fact that I had sex yesterday." Kyle smugly stated, taking a victorious sip of his latte as he did so.

Which he almost choked on as Stan lunged across the table excitedly. As much as he loved Gary, it was kinda nice to live like a bachelor vicariously through Kyle. "Oh my God! I need details! With who? Is it someone we know?

Kyle laughed and petted Stan's head in an effort to calm him down "It's not someone we know..."

"That's even better!" Stan gushed, calming down somewhat and inching away from a clearly scared Kyle "Okay, what's his name? Is he tall? What's his body like? Is he a good kisser? Does he give good head? Where did you meet? Does he have a big dick?"

"Woah, dude, calm down before you choke on your bagel." Kyle warned, tempted to remove food and drink from the area to lessen the possibility of a trip to the emergency room.

"Sorry, I'm just excited..." Stan blushed, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly and reminding himself that he was usually a lot more composed and indifferent than this. He wasn't voted 'Ice King' in his high school yearbook for nothing. Yes, his high school did give out this, some would say offensive, 'honor'.

"Clearly" Kyle replied, rolling his eyes.

"Please just answer my questions?" Stan whined.

"Alright." Kyle sighed, taking a sip of his coffee and rubbing his tired eyes. God, why did Stan have to come over so early? "What were they again?"

Stan cleared his throat and started to list the questions off his fingers; "Name. Height. Body. Good kisser. Skilled at fellatio, yay or nay. Where you met and length of cock, please."

"Eric"

"Good name" Stan nodded "Is that Celtic?"

"Nordic"

"Ah"

"Six foot three"

"You like them tall..." Stan remarked, grinning knowingly.

"Broad shoulders, thick legs, you can tell he plays some kind of sport but all that muscle is... Well covered, shall we say." Kyle felt some tremor of lust catch in the back of his throat. He'd probably think of Eric in the shower later, even though that would only make him more impatient to see him again.

"And chubby..." Stan added, giving Kyle a teasing smirk while Kyle blushed and rolled his eyes. Stan remembered most of Kyle's one night stands either being football players who seemed like walls of fat and muscle, or self-conscious chubby guys who blushed as soon as they left Kyle's bedroom and saw Stan making bacon and eggs in the kitchen.

"I was actually the one performing fellatio"

"Go on..."

"At the gay bar on Colfax Avenue"

"God, you're still going there?" Stan asked despairingly, sighing like the thought physically hurt him.

"Shut up!" Kyle snapped, to hide his embarrassment at the fact he was still going there on Friday nights. Ah, he once remembered that bar being him and Stan's nirvana, extinguishing the stress of their developing adult lives. Now, with the glamour stripped back and out dated, it felt like a dive. "Not all of us are wrapped up in domesticated bliss like you and having sex on a regular basis. You should be proud I'm still managing to find potential sexual partners in there."

"I am proud!" Stan snapped defensively.

"May I also remind you that you met your darling Gary at that gay club, oh, about three years ago?" Kyle pointed out.

Stan rolled his eyes and raised his hands in defense. "Okay, I get it; 'And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?'"

"What?" Kyle asked, his eyebrows knitted together.

"Matthew 7:1-3" Stan beamed, looking like a proud little altar boy on just another Sunday. "God, my parents would be so proud that I'm still a Catholic at heart."

"Don't kid yourself, Stan" Kyle advised. "Can we get back to Eric, now?"

"Sure"

"I'd say about a good seven inches"

"Impressive" Stan nodded approvingly "So, are you gonna see him again?"

"Yeah" Kyle barely said, his thoughts clouded with the unspoiled bliss of yesterday. "We had a good time, so why not?"

"And I'm happy for you, Kyle" Stan grinned, Kyle was a difficult creature; hard to please and painfully resistant to anything he considered to be bullshit. So Stan thanked the lord that Kyle was happy, with no catches to speak of.

Kyle chose to address his bagel instead of Stan when he bluntly confessed "He's eighteen"

"What?" Stan asked, the bagel he was chewing on almost falling from his mouth.

"And I may have taken his virginity yesterday" Kyle continued before rolling his eyes and fidgeting guiltily "Well, I say may but, I definitely know I took his virginity yesterday"

"Jesus Christ, has your ability to think vanished since I moved out?" Stan shouted, in this piercing, accusing, palpably disappointing way that makes Kyle squirm and feel irredeemably terrible. God, it never fails. "Are you having some kind of life crisis that somehow involves you fucking people in their freshman year of college?"

"You haven't moved out!" Kyle reminded him, trying to desperately find an excuse to be mad at Stan "Your boxes are still here!"

Stan stared at Kyle, almost as if he was detecting any signs of insanity that Kyle was adamant he didn't show. "Are you listening to yourself? That's not our biggest fucking problem right now!"

"Our problem?" Kyle shouted incredulously, shaking his head and wanting to throw his bagel at one of Stan's stupid boxes "This isn't 'our' problem, Stan! It's mine! It's my life and I can do whatever I want with it!"

"More like do whoever you want..." Stan muttered meanly, and in Kyle's opinion, unfairly.

"Fuck you" Kyle snapped, his face angrily warm and he felt some defensive adrenaline course through him that he wasn't sure he should feel. "And he's actually in his senior year of high school"

Stan froze then, giving Kyle a look of both furious disbelief and one that called his sanity into question.

"I don't know how that makes it better..." Kyle muttered, taking a small bite of his bagel.

Then Stan reacted in the way Kyle was dreading; he pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed sharply.

"Kyle" Stan whined, irritably "What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't!" Kyle snapped, exhaling in distress "I wasn't thinking! I mean, well, of course I was. I was thinking about him, okay?"

"You're a smart guy, Kyle!" Stan said, shaking his head "How could you throw away your common sense to a kid in high school!"

"Because he's not just some kid in high school!" Kyle argued, pained at thoughts of Eric lying in his bed, biting his lip and all the things he said at the coffee shop that made Kyle want to listen "He's like nobody I've ever met before!"

"You don't know him!"

"But I want to get to know him! Why is that so hard for you to understand?"

"Because it's not that simple!"

"What's so fucking difficult about it?" Kyle asked before he could stop himself, although the question made him squirm.

"Because there's a decade between you, God damn it!" Stan yelled and when he saw the defeated hurt in Kyle's eyes, he softened apologetically because he could see that Kyle knew that. And maybe Kyle didn't need to be reminded, maybe that's why he stopped thinking in the first place. But Stan took a deep breath and continued, more calmly "Maybe it would be easier if he was our age, and you were nearly forty. But... You're at different stages in your lives, he's probably still figuring stuff out and not knowing what opportunities he wants to take while you're becoming more comfortable and learning from your mistakes. And I'm just afraid that those ten years will catch up to you and you'll end up getting hurt, you know?"

"I know" Kyle nodded sadly, too proud to meet Stan's serene, Cobalt eyes. "I like him. I wish I knew why or how, but I like him a lot"

"I'm just trying to help you, dude" Stan explained, brushing his fingers against Kyle's knee softly.

"So what are you saying, Stan?" Kyle asked with a sheen of impatience to his voice.

"Be careful" Stan replied and it almost sounded like a plead.

* * *

**A/N:** _God, the first part of this reminds me of how much this fic was inspired by the movie 'Blue Is The Warmest Color'. I owe that movie a lot for the inspiration it provided me for this story!_

_That sex scene was so difficult to write. I'm so used to writing sex scenes where Cartman and Kyle have been friends for years and have all their history that it was weird writing them having sex where they hardly knew each other. _

_Oh, and Kenny. Poor baby. I suck at being subtle. _

_And I'm kinda proud of Stan and Kyle's conversation, the dialogue was so easy to write and I had such a blast doing it._

_Hope you enjoyed!_


	3. Chapter 3

"Wow" Cartman said breathlessly, his voice hoarse, still blinking away the constellations away from his vision "That was fucking amazing..."

Kyle's head was resting on his chest as they found themselves once again in Kyle's bed, the sheets tangled limply around them, shivering and sweating as heat seemed to sting and pour off the both of them.

Kyle nodded, a lazy, satisfied smile on his face as Eric's cries and moans still rung in his head, as did the memory of Eric's head between Kyle's legs as Kyle guided his mouth into giving him an exquisite blowjob.

It was a surprisingly warm (yet damp) Tuesday when Cartman and Kyle met up again. Forgoing his usual walk home from school, Cartman decided to catch the bus to Denver instead. When he arrived at Kyle's door, they lingered hesitantly as even a simple 'hi' was too much to even think, let alone speak. But with an impatient, knowing smile, Kyle pulled Cartman in and wrapped himself in his arms.

"After Saturday, I couldn't wait to see you again..." Kyle admitted, finally feeling safe to as he littered more kisses on Cartman's heaving chest.

"Me neither" Cartman grinned, running a quivering hand through his damp hair as he tried to catch his breath. However, his grin faltered and he chewed on his lip thoughtfully as he pondered if what he wanted to say next was such a good idea. "I wanted to come over yesterday, but I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?" Kyle asked, sliding his warm hand up Cartman's neck and propping himself up on his shoulders so he could easily make eye contact.

"It's nothing" Cartman muttered, shaking his head. Sighing exasperatedly when he realized that Kyle wouldn't let this go.

"No" Kyle frowned, concerned, kissing Cartman's nose "I wanna know..."

"I think you care way too much" Cartman remarked, ruffling Kyle's curls.

"Maybe I do" Kyle answered confidently, while Cartman was both scared and touched in his own stubbornly cold way.

"Just tell me" Kyle soothed, trying to fill the silence which was clearly Cartman's attempt at stalling.

"Fine" Cartman mumbled before clearing his throat and directing his gaze to the ceiling, since that was Hell of a lot easier than making eye contact. And he suddenly felt like he was back at Sunday school, in the cold basement with its harsh lights and over-sized bulbs trying to make the place more homey, getting ready for his first confession. Thankfully, the confession box was heated and smelt comforting, like pine. It reminded Cartman of long car drives. Of Nebraska. Of Christmas trips, not summer vacations away from his mess of a mom. Cartman couldn't remember what his first confession was, accept that he felt the whole thing was idiotic and he could remember kicking the space beneath him as his legs dangled from the bench, his feet not yet touching the floor. "I don't know how it started, well, maybe I do but I just haven't figured it out yet, but, I have a lot of anxiety. It's nothing, except a lot of the time it feels like something. Like, I dunno, I'm not gonna explain it to you, because I guess you don't wanna know and it's not that interesting but it's why I decided to not come over yesterday... And it's why I didn't admit to myself for a long time that I was gay, it's why I lied to you about how old I am, it's why I had a panic attack when I came home on Saturday, it's why I almost bolted from that coffee shop when I was standing in line trying to decide what muffins I wanted when really I wanted neither because they were overpriced and they looked gross and it's why I still can't believe that you're attracted to me. So, yeah, it's basically everything I do, everyday. So I guess it's not nothing, huh?"

Kyle shakes his head, expressionless except for his eyes that feel heavy with all the words he could say. He can't help but feel Eric's hammering heart fighting against him. And that breaks Kyle a little. Because it sounded too painfully familiar.

"Have you talked to somebody about it?" Kyle asked sadly, tucking some of Eric's hair behind his ear "Like, your mom, maybe?"

Cartman shifts uncomfortably at the mention of her, because it's at times like these when thinking of her is difficult. Because all he can see is her life, _their _life before Nebraska. Cookie dough on her apron and affection in her laugh, how she at least tried to cover up her sordid affairs and habits by ushering her clients out the door before he could see them and making sure she never left any needles and baggies of coke around the house. Out of sight, out of mind, right? As soon as Cartman lets himself imagine what was happening behind his back, in his mind he's standing on his grandparents' porch, wanting to hitch-hike home and find her or he's listening to her cry as he refuses to sleep in the same bed as her, because she needs comfort and support and she knows as well as Cartman does, that he can't give that to her. No matter how much she wants to believe otherwise.

But instead of trying to articulate all that to Kyle without having a panic attack, he shakes his head and flatly says "No. No, my mom and I don't talk to each other. At least, about things like that"

"Well, what about a therapist?" Kyle asks, albeit rather hopelessly "Maybe they can help?"

"Talking about it would make it harder to ignore" Cartman explains, cringing at Kyle's suggestion. "And I want to ignore it. Honestly, I'd prefer it to just fuck off and leave me alone."

"Can you ignore it?" Kyle asks, almost sounding like a whimper. The plaintive nature of his voice pretty much answering his question.

"No" Cartman replies matter-of-factly, but he still felt his eyes grow misty and the word catch in his throat "When it's happening, it's all too huge and crazy and I'm too busy trying to tear myself down to ignore it..."

"Come here" Kyle whispered sadly, directing Eric's mouth to his own and the both of them moaned as their lips tenderly melded. Kyle's gentle fingers wiped away invisible tears and Cartman kinda wanted to kiss them too.

"Look" Kyle began to speak as the kiss broke, his fingers being drawn into Cartman's mouth "I'm not a doctor and maybe I'm saying this because apparently I care too much and I want to help you but, maybe if you think about things that make you happy or make you feel good about yourself then it could negate all that anxiety?"

Cartman smiled appreciatively, before thinking about how under things listed _Makes me feel happy _Kyle was the first person that came to his mind. And he didn't know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

* * *

"Hey, I've been meaning to ask you" Kyle said between the kisses him and Cartman were exchanging at the door "Do you play football?"

"Rugby" Cartman replied, choosing to ignore the implication that he played football.

"Hmm, rugby, huh?" Kyle smirked, squeezing Eric's broad shoulders and kissing the corner of his mouth "You don't see a lot of high schools with a rugby team..."

"Yeah, well, our high school wanted to be different" Cartman shrugged, before rolling his eyes and smiling "More European or something."

Looking contemplatively into Cartman's eyes, Kyle finally said "Maybe I could come and watch you play sometime?"

Cartman swallowed and attempted to hide his inexplicable anxiety at Kyle's innocent question "Yeah, cool." he nodded, unsure.

"Alright" Kyle grinned "Are you any good?"

"The best Prop that Park County High School has ever seen" Cartman replied arrogantly, forgetting to mention that he was the only Prop Park County High School had ever seen. It was a fairly new school sport.

"I have no idea what the Hell that is" Kyle admitted.

"Then you better do your research" Cartman smirked, giving Kyle one last kiss before heading out the door.

* * *

As Cartman stood by his locker, absent-mindedly pulling out the necessary books he needed for today, he wondered what it would be like to be apart of the many groups forming in the hallways. To talk to people because you wanted to, not because it was a formality. To sit on a crowded table in the cafeteria instead of on your own. And he even wondered, _why haven't I given anybody a chance?_

Because they're assholes. Plain and simple, an undeniable fact.

What if people looked at him? What if other people saw something worth having in him? Something that made them want to love him, befriend him, Hell, _talk _to him. A lot of these kids Cartman had known since preschool and yet a lot of them Cartman could vaguely remember from middle school. And they had never talked to him, not like he gave them a reason to.

Suddenly, all those flaws that Cartman had spotted in himself, whether in the bathroom mirror or just out of the consequences of his actions, were magnified once again. All these strangers had probably noticed them, Cartman realized, _maybe they're so glaringly obvious that it's like my own personal leper bell. But do I really care? I'm not so sure._

Who knew a single text could distract him from the onset of a panic attack?

It was from Kyle and Cartman burned shamefully at seeing his name, in the middle of the school hallway. It read; 'You're beautiful and doing okay. Remember that, promise?'

Cartman sighed raggedly, his eyes stinging and he turned his back away from any possible onlookers of his little display.

Biting his lip, with shaking fingers he replied 'Promise'

* * *

Cartman wasn't sure if Kenny's expulsion extended as far as him being banished permanently from school grounds, even after hours. Still, he was mildly pleased that Kenny had unexpectedly turned up to watch his rugby practice. Along with a bored Bebe (who was on her phone a lot of the time, talking to Wendy whilst pretending to be interested in Clyde; AKA Outside Half for the Park County High Rugby team) and the forever optimistic and jolly Butters (supporting Dougie, who played on the Wing. Although Cartman and Kenny had always joked that Butters was a creature incapable of sex, his and Dougie's relationship had always been rather ambiguous, even when they were little kids pretending to be super villains)

Kenny sat on the barely dry bleachers, shivering under his worn, stretched parka and while he looked thoroughly unamused and was holding his cigarette for dear life, he was still the only vibrant color on a dismal palette.

Cartman wondered if Kenny was here to be supportive or to just ogle the guys on the field; teeming with testosterone and getting very handsy during the scrum. Kenny always maintained that guys with scars and bruises are hot, he should know, he's been the recipient of some pretty nasty (and fatal) injuries himself.

Still, Kenny hung around long enough so he could tag along with Cartman on the walk home.

"So" Kenny began, trying to stay cool "How's Jolene?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Cartman asked, tired and antsy as he always was after practice.

"Your naivety is sometimes startling" Kenny muttered, rolling his eyes. "How's Kyle? You saw him yesterday, didn't you?"

"Oh" Cartman nodded "Yeah, he's great. I think..."

"You think?" Kenny asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know. I didn't ask him"

"Oh well, I guess your mouth was too full to ask, anyway..." Kenny said with a faux-innocence, which only made him feel meaner. He hated it. Still, he rubbed the back of his neck nonchalantly and stared up at the pale grey sky. Meanwhile, Cartman shot Kenny a disapproving look and almost snarled.

Cartman would've stormed off and left him there, if his legs weren't aching like a bitch. So he decided to knock Kenny off whatever high horse he had suddenly decided he wanted to climb on and snapped back "Yes, Kenny, it was"

"Really?" Kenny whispered, his stomach lurching with both the need to laugh in shock and well, his distaste at the whole thing "You sucked his cock?"

Cartman froze then, reeling from Kenny's bluntness (which he should've been more than used to) but it was the fact that this bluntness was aimed at Kyle and him; that's what hit Cartman the most.

"Um, y-yes" Cartman stammered, blushing furiously "I did"

"Wow" Kenny whispered, wondering when exactly did Cartman start to become less and less predictable, when he met Kyle, Kenny guessed. Still, he laughed supportively and threw his arm across Cartman's dirt-covered back, ignoring how he winced.

"Good for you, man!" Kenny cheered, coughing into his fist and shyly adding "I guess..."

"Kenny, are you okay?" Cartman asked, tenderly removing himself from Kenny's hold.

"Fine. Totally great" Kenny lied, surprising himself at how great of an actor he was; as he was able to twist his face into a mega-watt smile so easily "So, let's talk about Kyle's dick..."

"We really don't have to" Cartman cringed, shooting Kenny a questioning look.

"I wanna know" Another lie and Kenny knew as well as Cartman that it fell flat.

"Seriously Kenny, drop it" Cartman said darkly, shoving Kenny away from him and walking on ahead.

Kenny, meanwhile, sighed pathetically, shoving his hands in his pockets and debating whether it was worth catching up to him. God, why did Kyle bother him so much? Why was it even his business? The last thing Kenny wanted to be was petty or jealous. Because he wasn't. Nope. And he wasn't gonna start now. But he just thought... That he had math on his side. As far as Kenny knew, Cartman and him were the only gay teenagers in this town. So it was such a foolish, crazy thought to entertain that he and Cartman would end up together someday? Statistically speaking, it was perfectly logical. To Kenny, anyway.

"God damn it" Kenny muttered heavily, kicking an ever-deepening puddle before calling out "Dude, wait!"

Cartman grinned and rolled his eyes, trying to look pissed off as he waited for him.

And as they continued their walk home together, Kenny tried to convince himself that this wasn't a crush. Merely a frustration that his plan didn't quite work out the way he wanted it to.

* * *

Cartman's next visit to Kyle's apartment was a Thursday. This time he wasn't greeted with a hungry kiss but rather a quick, chaste peck and a quite stressed Kyle.

"Hey" Kyle said breezily, smelling of coffee and the type of shower gel that reminded Cartman of a locker room.

"Hi" Cartman replied rather shyly "Are you okay?"

"What?" Kyle asked, running a hand through his unbrushed curls "Yeah, I'm fine. Busy. I have a deadline"

"Oh" Cartman nodded, glancing at the desk in Kyle's living room that he had unsurprisingly never noticed before. It was tall and black and Cartman was pretty sure that it was an antique or something, since it looked so old and incompatible with the rest of Kyle's Ikea and Pottery Barn furnished living room. Cartman wondered if this was done purposefully, although Kyle seemed too neurotic about keeping his apartment fashionable to consciously buy a desk like that. A laptop sat, glaring and ominous and a large, coffee-shop style mug was perched next to it. "I can come back another time-"

"Don't be an idiot" Kyle laughed, kissing Cartman pointedly "I'm nearly finished"

And with that, Kyle rushed back over to his leather office chair (that spun slightly as Kyle sat down) and went back to work. Cartman, meanwhile, made himself comfortable on the couch and watched.

He knew Kyle was a writer, but that was the extent of his knowledge on Kyle's career. But what he was watching was pretty close to what he imagined when he thought of Kyle working; staring wide-eyed at the screen, self-consciously tripping over words in his head and trying to remain humble as he marveled over others, an eloquent spitfire whose voice could be heard through the expression of his sentences and every rearrangable letter could be transformed and molded into his own. His fingers erratically dancing on the hot coals of the keyboard and the stress of his deadline and his own insecurities were dampened somewhat by the fact that he was doing what he loved, continuing to enjoy it. And at that, Cartman smiled. Because it just proved that Kyle was passionate. About everything that he cared about.

In a rare moment of distraction, Kyle caught Cartman's adoring smile in the reflection of his computer screen and smirked, he teased "What's so funny, Eric?"

"Nothing" Cartman coughed, blushing and scowling at Kyle's laughter "So, what exactly do you do?"

"I write" Kyle replied automatically, his eyes trained to the screen.

"I know that" Cartman said impatiently, rolling his eyes "Do you wanna maybe elaborate? I'm sure there's more to your job description"

Kyle chuckled before replying "I'm a freelance writer. Which would be a lot less stressful if I was richer but there you go. I'm kinda like a substitute teacher but with nowhere near as much job security..."

"So what type of things do you write about?" Cartman asks.

"Whatever people want me to" Kyle shrugged, adding "I'm kind of whorish that way. Usually I write opinion pieces for men's magazines or if I'm really lucky those glossy magazines that you feel too immature to buy at the store. But when I write for those publications I have to read up on a lot of current events and cultural stuff that goes way over my head. I'm starting to write for a lot of online magazines too. I love having the chance to write about movies or the NBA, since I'm such an excitable little geek when it comes to those. Oh, sometimes I have to write opinion or debate pieces for women's magazines, nine times outta ten they want a straight guy's perspective because their opinion pieces usually involve some guy making underlying misogynistic comments and implying that men everywhere just think about having sex with hot chicks and, personally, I don't think that's true. So I have a little fun and be all sarcastic but then they think I'm being totally serious when really, what they don't know is, that when I was writing that piece it was two AM and I was laughing my ass off. But now I'm writing crappy, fluffy shit that it's in the corner of the page that nobody reads for the Denver Post. God, it's kinda sad how often I'm stuck writing these."

Cartman laughed and asked "If they're so crappy why don't you just write something else?"

"Because it's my corner of the page and I'll take whatever I can get" Kyle replied matter-of-factly "But I can't complain. I'm doing what I love and it keeps this rented roof over my head"

"You've always wanted to be a freelance writer?"

"No" Kyle replied "When I was nine I wanted to play for the Denver Nuggets"

"The Denver Nuggets?!" Cartman laughed disbelievingly.

"Hey, I kick fucking ass at basketball!" Kyle argued "I was the best at my school!"

"So why didn't the NBA career pan out?" Cartman smirked.

"Because my coach said that Jews can't play basketball. And I wasn't tall enough" Kyle answered "Anyway, when I was in high school I had to write a short story in English class. Firstly, I was like 'What the fuck? What do I know about writing?' But I really enjoyed it. Turns out, mine was the best in the class. And I've loved writing ever since"

"So do you wanna keep your corner of the page for the rest of your life?" Cartman asked.

"No fucking way" Kyle laughed, shaking his head "Ever since that short story I've wanted to write a novel"

"Then why don't you?" Cartman asked, though he felt he was the last person to be lecturing Kyle on what he should be doing with his life and following through with his ambitions.

"I haven't found a story I cared about" Kyle replied wistfully.

"You will someday..." Cartman reassured, hoping that it would make Kyle feel slightly better.

"I'm sure I will" Kyle smiled moonily before it turned slightly wicked. His impatience and arousal was spiking the more he talked to Eric without looking at him, touching him. Weirdly, the very short distance between them was cruelly hot and tempting. And Kyle wanted to make Eric impatiently and lustfully think of him the same way he was "But at this precise moment, what I really want to do, is sixty-nine with you..."

"Really?" Cartman asked, his voice dry and his skin seemed to suddenly prickle with heat. God, how could he ever forget what Kyle did to him? So cool and maddening and Cartman knew that until the moment came, all he would be able to think about was 69-ing with Kyle.

"Yep. And I will do exactly that once I've finished" Kyle teased, feeling both cruel and turned on at the same time.

* * *

Forty five minutes later, the two of them were lying side by side on Kyle's living room floor. They were kissing tenderly, with their fingers loosely linked, not ready to be separated from the wonderful heat, palpable chemistry and each other just yet. Their clothes were strewn on Kyle's sofa and the smell of sex and sweat filled the air.

As soon as Kyle had finished working, he was on the couch with Cartman, exchanging deep kisses and pawing at him greedily, their bodies rocking together roughly to give their aching arousals' some relief. They didn't make it to Kyle's bedroom, they were deftly and hungrily undressing each other on the couch and before they knew it they were on Kyle's living room floor.

Cartman had thrown his head back and cried in passionate ecstasy when Kyle's mouth was finally on his cock and Kyle had to raggedly demand Eric to suck him. Cartman held Kyle's gleaming head in his trembling mouth and Kyle was sure he was going to come just at that hot, ethereal sensation. While Kyle rhythmically sucked on Cartman's thick member, sliding his tongue generously and drawing out each deep suck, Cartman chose to playfully lick and kiss Kyle's erection and balls, but because Kyle reacted so wonderfully when he did, Cartman also occasionally sucked the head of Kyle's leaking cock; God, Kyle _loved_ it. Cartman's tongue and lips felt electric. He squeezed Kyle's ass and ran his fingers over Kyle's thighs, clawing at the soft, alabaster skin when he came heavily in Kyle's tight, sizzling mouth. Their lips quivered at the pleasure they were receiving, sometimes it was difficult to concentrate as their bodies writhed in a mutual lust and groans and cries tore them away from the head they were giving.

Their breathing was still labored as they kissed, melting as their lips collided.

Kyle stared at Eric with damp, hazy eyes and sighed "Do you wanna go on a date with me?"

"A date?" Cartman laughed, nipping at Kyle's flushed bottom lip.

"Yeah" Kyle smiled "Don't you think it would be fun?"

"I guess" Cartman teased "What would we do on this date?"

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant and we can talk and get to know more about each other-"

"Yeah, considering I've had your cock in my mouth I don't know a lot about you" Cartman remarked and he didn't feel anxious at all. That was a first.

Kyle laughed before saying "Aren't you done with being mysterious? I am"

"Yep. Me too" Cartman replied distantly, not knowing whether that was true.

"And then we can take a cab back to my place, go to the roof and see the view. I was gonna have to show it to you sooner or later because it's spectacular."

"A view I wouldn't get in the mountains?" Cartman asked, raising a joking eyebrow.

"Probably not" Kyle smirked "It's a city view"

"Then definitely not like South Park" Cartman realized, speaking almost to himself.

"So have I sold you?" Kyle asked, moving his mouth from Eric's lips and kissing his neck, instead.

"Totally" Cartman grinned.

* * *

When Cartman managed to pull himself away from Kyle, his wide, gorgeous eyes, illicitly stunning smile and his unfairly hot nakedness, and returned home, his mom was actually conscious. Usually she was sleeping by now. Or even earlier. Sometimes she was sleeping when Cartman came home from school.

"Hi, mom" Cartman said, making an effort to mask his shock.

His mom was filing down her already short, red, painted nails and her eyes had drained a clinical Blue from the glow of the TV. Why weren't the lights on? It made Cartman feel cold. Even the house was unwelcoming.

"Hey sweetie" Lianne grinned, briefly turning her attention away from the TV. Cartman squirmed in an unwanted offense at her lack of concern. Surely she was curious as to where he had been? As far as she knew he didn't have places to go or any reason to stray from the town border.

Maybe she does care, Cartman thought sadly, but she's got a lot on her mind right now. Any kind of raise in his self-esteem or fragile confidence that he had felt when he was with Kyle, cruelly evaporated at home and he cursed how pathetic he was being. Why did it matter that he wasn't on his mother's mind? In his opinion, it was her loss and not his. After all, for nine years she's only had her son to worry about. Cartman wondered if she ever thought about drugs, reminisced about all the highs and conveniently forgot the lows. Of course she thinks about them, Cartman thought derisively, why did he even doubt it?

Arrogance is a dangerous trait. Cartman knew that better than anybody. His arrogance was once his beloved crutch and biting enemy. Now, he couldn't fathom the concept. It had slipped him by like a childhood habit he never noticed growing out of. What was the point? He thought sadly, What's the God damn point?

But with the scent of Kyle's apartment still lingering in his throat and the sore heat of carpet burn on his shoulders, Cartman figured that maybe he could be bitten again. That it wouldn't be so bad.

_I'll make sure I'm on your mind_

"Mom, I have a date" Cartman announced, thankfully swallowing his nervousness before his voice could become shaky.

"Oh" Lianne replied simply, a semblance of an unreadable emotion trespassing her otherwise blank face. Cartman could feel himself waiting with bated breath. Looking for a reaction. Curiosity, confusion, worry. _God damn it, woman, give me something!_

"Who's the lucky girl, hun?" Lianne asked, Cartman hated the way she was looking at him. As if she was too dumb to recognize the stupidity and nerve of her own question.

Cartman shook his head and quickly muttered "You don't know her..."

He walked up to his room with his eyes cast down, closing his bedroom door with a pointed slam. Hoping his mom would notice.

When all he was offered was a rejected, mocking silence, he gripped his hair in frustration and threw himself on his freshly made bed. Shouting angrily into the pillow for good measure.

And he decided to wait. To see if anything stuck in her head, if anything registered. But it didn't.

So he fell asleep.

* * *

**A/N:**_ Sorry if this chapter seemed kinda filler. But there was 69-ing, maybe that makes up for it. After all, 69-ing is always entertaining._

_If I could hug anybody who got the whole 'Jolene' reference, I so would. And if you didn't get it, listen to Jolene by Dolly Parton and then you'll understand my lame joke. I don't know why, but I have this headcanon of Kenny singing that song drunkenly at an open mic night or singing along to it on the radio in his car._

_Also, sorry it's so short (well, shorter than the previous chapters anyway). The next chapter will be longer, I promise. _

_Sorry for saying sorry too much. Apparently I do that a lot. _


	4. Chapter 4

Saturday felt like the first sunny day Cartman had seen in weeks. He thought these heavy downpours and murky overcast skies would be persistent until at least June. But he was pleasantly surprised to see splinters of sunlight laying themselves over his bed on a clear morning.

Saturday afternoon however was one of stress, sunshine was unappreciated at the Cartman household. Tonight was his and Kyle's date and Cartman felt like calling and cancelling since he had no idea what to fucking wear and God, since when were clothes such a big deal?

His docs grinned at him faithfully, his only decent pair of shoes and the thought of slipping them on and lacing them up seemed like such a relief. But he couldn't wear docs with a shirt and suit pants, could he? Besides, the only suits he owned were his Sunday bests and he hadn't been to church since he was twelve, so they were naturally too small. Vainly, he sifted through the few plaid shirts he owned, trying to detect the shirt that looked the most formal. He finally decided on a burgundy shirt, his black jeans (even though he felt hideously fat in them) and his trusty docs.

Cartman adored how Kyle looked when he was busy, his eyes brightened with thought (probably thinking of all the stuff he had to do) and his hands often fidgeted with some busy adrenaline. And when he arrived at Kyle's place, Kyle was exactly that; busy. His curls were half-styled and his cologne was still fresh, lingering with every movement he made.

"Hey!" Kyle smiled brightly, giving Cartman his usual chaste peck before casting his eyes down and biting his lip approvingly "You look wonderful"

"I do?" Cartman asked, like Kyle was accusing him "Um, thanks"

"I just have to finish doing my hair and then we can leave" Kyle grinned, grabbing Cartman's wrist and pulling him into the living room. The steam that hung around from the shower seeped in through the living room, the air feeling sticky and humid with condensation and cologne.

Cartman studied Kyle's living room, making an effort to continually familiarize himself with the place before his eyes finally landed on Kyle. Doing his hair in the mirror, his mouth set in a fine line of concentration while his eyebrows quirked judgmentally, his fingers purling around locks of hair and forming ringlets, as if his natural curls weren't good enough.

"You look good too" Cartman said flatly, too intrigued with watching Kyle than he was with the words that were coming out of his mouth. Kyle smirked at him, amused and Cartman realized that he probably sounded like some husky-voiced actor from an old, bad porno. "I mean, uh, you look great. Handsome. Fuck, I-"

"Will you relax?" Kyle laughs, mildly satisfied with his hair and grabbing his jacket, which was thrown over the back of his armchair "You're acting like we've never met before"

"Well, technically, this is our first date" Cartman reminded him, walking over to Kyle.

"True" Kyle nodded, grabbing Cartman by the collar of his shirt and pulling him closer. Their lips brushing but Kyle refused to kiss him "And to think that I'm gonna be putting out later..."

"Nothing wrong with that" Cartman smiled, pouting when Kyle pulled away before their lips could touch.

For their date, Kyle had chosen the Italian restaurant where his surprise birthday party had been held the year before. The only Italian restaurant Cartman had been to was Buca De Faggicini in South Park, it was the venue for the homecoming after party (the decorating committee were adamant in not caving into peer pressure and renting out Sizzler).

Thank God for the English translations on the menu otherwise Cartman would've ended up starving. But Kyle was as thankful as he was. However, they did receive some snide looks from the pompous couple next to them as they ripped on the menu and tried to read the names of the dishes in terrible Italian accents.

"Sorry" Kyle halfheartedly apologized to the couple while Cartman hid behind his menu, laughing even more at how pissed off the couple were.

"Don't apologize" Cartman hissed, kicking Kyle under the table once Mr and Mrs Tight-Ass turned their attention back to their meal.

"I'm being the bigger person" Kyle replied, hardly taking himself seriously.

"Whatever" Cartman smiled exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. God, he looks cute when he does that, Kyle thought dreamily.

"So should I order a scotch and a bud or are you gonna be more adventurous with your liquor tonight?" Kyle asks.

"Um, no..." Cartman blushed. "In here, I kinda have to wait until I'm twenty-one to do that"

"Oh, sorry" Kyle laughed nervously, gritting his teeth at the sudden warmth in his face. He was such a fucking idiot "Well, maybe I'll let you have a sip of my scotch"

"Fuck no" Cartman replied quickly, shaking his head in disgust. "That stuff smells and tastes like piss"

"Scotch is liquid sex, my friend" Kyle corrected him "The greatest beverage a man can ever drink"

"See, now every time we have sex I'll just think that you're fantasizing about scotch while you're in the throes of passion" Cartman joked, he would attempt to be flirtatious but he didn't know how.

"No" Kyle shook his head "More like every time I drink scotch I think of you. Because both of you feel so fucking good when you're inside me"

He hoped the couple next to them heard that and had to fight the urge to choke on their drinks.

Cartman gulped audibly and fidgeted to control the arousal stirring in his groin, making his jeans tight. "I've never fucked you, though"

"I know" Kyle sighed "But it sounded better when I said it like that"

"You somehow manage to be eloquent, smooth and crude at the same time" Cartman smirked, running his foot up Kyle's leg and feeling the most unbelievably smug satisfaction at seeing Kyle gasp, both surprised and wanton. His caustic green eyes darkened with malevolent lust.

"It's a gift" Kyle shrugs arrogantly.

"I like it" Cartman admits, his voice the smoothest it's ever been.

* * *

"I think we should move on to the 'get-to-know-you' portion of the evening" Kyle says, taking a sip of his scotch.

They had ordered their food and managed to not laugh in the waiter's face, since they promised they would try to order their dishes in Italian instead of English. They were determined not to give up with their terrible pronunciations, even when they were laughing too hard and the waiter was growing impatient.

"God, what is this?" Cartman asked wryly "Speed-dating?"

"Kind of" Kyle replied before adding playfully "Except you're stuck with me all evening"

"Trust me, that isn't a bad thing"

They held each other's gazes long enough for their hearts to start sprinting and their thoughts to become amorous. To compose himself, Kyle took the lemon wedge out of his tumbler and sucked on it.

"Why do you do that?" Cartman asked curiously.

"Do what?" Kyle asked, lemon wedge still dangling limply between his index finger and thumb.

"Suck the lemon wedge in your scotch" Cartman replied, Kyle looked at the lemon wedge and laughed under his breath, blushing slightly. "I noticed you do it at the club too. Is that just something you have to do when you order scotch with a twist?"

"No" Kyle giggled, shaking his head "It's something I have to do. I usually do it when there's hardly anything left in my tumbler. See, the lemon wedge has an undercurrent of scotch in it so I feel like if I don't suck on it, I haven't really finished my drink yet. It's kinda like when people scrape the bowl with bread or something when they've finished their soup. I dunno..."

"Great. Now I know a little more about you" Cartman grinned.

"You're not getting away that easily" Kyle scolded teasingly, kicking him under the table "Don't you wanna know anything else? Family, hometown, anything?"

"Alright" Cartman sighed defeatedly "Tell me about your family"

"Okay. Typical Jewish family. Well, Jewish in the sense that we observe the high holidays and only then do we ever keep kosher. But, I haven't been to my parents house for Passover for years. I try to call them but then I remember that they're obviously not gonna answer the phone, so I wait until after it's all over to call them, wish them a happy Pesach and apologize for not making it to Seder dinner, yet again. But then, it's not as if I'm crucial to the meal, I mean, as long as Ike is there then everything's fine, since he's the youngest-"

"Is that your brother?" Cartman asks.

"Yep. My little Canadian brother" Kyle replies. "He's adopted" Kyle added, to avoid confusion. "Yeah, he's twenty-three. He's going into law school. Which my parents are delighted about, since my dad's a lawyer too"

"Do you have any other brothers? Sisters?" Cartman asked, suddenly interested.

"Nah. It's just me and Ike" Kyle smiles forlornly. He hadn't seen Ike since his birthday last year. Stan had somehow managed to track him down and Kyle fondly recalled how the two of them hugged and Ike still felt like a little kid, although he constantly told Kyle how stressed he was about his future. And Kyle just wanted to take him away from all that, he sometimes forgot that Ike was shrewd and smart enough to handle anything that came his way. To Kyle, Ike was still a baby in a blue onesie, reading Steinbeck before Kyle even knew who that guy was, and forever his responsibility.

"Where's your hometown? Close to South Park?"

"I've had many hometowns"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, my mom and dad are originally from New Jersey. My mom met my dad in college and I have no idea how they became a couple because he was very studious and serious and she was fucking crazy. Seriously, she punched a lot of girls in the face because she got too close to their boyfriends. Anyway, they met, got married and had me. And I think something changed in her when I came along... Because suddenly New Jersey was too much of a dangerous place to raise a child. So we moved to San Francisco when I was a still a baby and I grew up in California. Although I'm still pasty as fuck. I tried to make friends there but I didn't really fit in and neither did Ike, and admittedly, neither did my parents. Although my dad tried in vain and my mom busied herself with taking over the PTA. Sometimes I think they were selfish for trying to impress these people, but then I think that maybe they were really trying to do what's best. But that's my parents in a God damn nutshell, trying so hard to do what's best without really listening or even thinking clearly. Then, when I was fifteen and Ike was ten, suddenly we're moving to Colorado. Because anywhere has gotta be better than a city in California, right? Or so my parents thought. So we moved to Littleton and I've been here ever since"

"Wow" Cartman nodded, he loved listening to Kyle talk. His words seemed like he rehearsed them in his sleep and yet they seemed so passionate that they could only be raw. "Well, I'm purely South Park. Born and raised."

"Still, that doesn't mean you haven't got a story to tell" Kyle smiled and Cartman didn't doubt that. His hometown wasn't without its craziness.

"What do you wanna know about?" Cartman asked, unsure.

"Anything" Kyle replied.

"My mom?" Cartman asked, he could tell he left Kyle intrigued when he said that he didn't, or couldn't, talk to her.

Kyle nodded, almost guiltily.

"Is it just you and her?" Kyle asked tentatively, he sensed that Eric clearly didn't know where to begin with his mom.

"Yeah" Cartman replied sheepishly "No brothers and sisters. That I know of. It's just me and her. And that's why I kinda hate how things are between us. She doesn't try to preserve the only thing she has and I'm done making an effort with her, but I can't seem to stop trying. I wish she was the same."

"But why? Why does she act that way?"

"Because of Nebraska" Cartman whispered absent-mindedly

"Nebraska? An entire state is to blame for you and your mom's relationship?" Kyle asked, taking a sip of his scotch and raising a confused eyebrow.

"No, of course not" Cartman laughed, shaking his head "That's just what I call it. Whenever I think about the time when things became so messed up, it's always 'After Nebraska' and when things were good it's always 'Before Nebraska'. Because those couple of months that I spent there with my grandparents changed everything. I came back and she was a different person and the whole world kinda revealed itself"

"What happened in Nebraska?" Kyle asked, an uncomfortable anxiety knotting in his stomach.

"It's a long story" Cartman sighed, the cop-out, default line that spews almost unwillingly from everyone's mouth. But when he saw Kyle's concerned expression and his fingers itching to reach out and grab his hand, Cartman smiled thinly "But, still, that doesn't mean I shouldn't tell it, right?"

"Right" Kyle grinned in relief.

"Even before Nebraska I knew me and my mom were a different kind of family. Everybody else had brothers or sisters and fathers. Everything was so simple with them, they knew their parents were married and that they had boring, typical jobs that kept roofs over their heads. But my mom didn't work at the stores or offices in town like everybody else's parents did. Only until Kenny told me what it was in the sixth grade, did I realize that she was a prostitute. It all made sense, how guys would come in and out, my mom would take them upstairs and try so damn hard to hide them from me. But they would come down pretty soon looking satisfied and my mom would have wads of bills in her hand. And when I found out what sex was for, courtesy of Kenny, it dawned on me that I could've been a product of one of those guys. And that he would care as little about me as he did about my mom when he was paying to have sex with her. But, before Nebraska, I was so wonderfully unaware of what was going on around me. She was my mom. She made me laugh and made me feel safe and I loved her and she loved me even though I was the most anti-social, most misbehaved kid at my school. But a couple of years after Nebraska, I realized that she was fucking dying and I didn't know. She had a drug problem and it just got more and more uncontrollable until finally she couldn't hide it. No matter how hard she tried to hide her needles and those baggies, no matter how discreetly she got her fix, I knew something was wrong. She was so pale and so thin and there were fewer men coming to the door. My grandparents started to visit more often, usually they would visit once a month and call every other day. But when she was at her worst, they practically lived with us. But then one day, I've been told I gotta pack my bags because I'm going to Nebraska, going back with grandma and grandpa. But my mom was packing her bags too, so I asked her why we were going. It wasn't Thanksgiving or Christmas, why were we going to grandma and grandpa's house in the summer? At the start of summer vacation? She started crying and trying to grab me, but I was scared of her. I didn't want her to hug me. I didn't want her near me. Although I missed her when I left. She was at some rehab in Arizona, finally getting help but it hasn't done much good"

Cartman paused then, he could still feel that heady, palpable loneliness when he spent the summer sleeping in a bed that wasn't his own, looking out of the window at a town that was still strange to him and thinking if he could have a little piece of home with him, he'd be happy. Sure, he had his faithful Clyde Frog. But he wanted his mom, the one who he wasn't scared of, who didn't cry and tremble with withdrawal.

He gritted his teeth and pressed his wrists to his misty eyes, wanting to apologize but unable to find the words.

It pained Kyle to see Eric this way, looking so detached and isolated. He grabbed his hand and squeezed it softly.

And Cartman suddenly felt safe. Kyle's touch felt like it was the only thing that had been right. What he had needed for so long. Someone to touch him gently, with understanding and protection. His willingness to be lonely was starting to feel less appealing.

"What happened when you came home?" Kyle asked softly, his thumb soothingly stroking Cartman's weathered knuckles.

"She had changed" Cartman said simply "She was tanned and she'd put on weight and her make up was pretty like it used to be. And she was hugging me and kissing me and everybody looked so pleased with themselves. Like they had rescued me. And at the time I thought they did. But something felt so unsettling and it killed me not knowing what it was. She was a stranger and I was always so defensive and on edge around her, I told her not to hug me, I told her to leave me alone when I played with my toys or watched TV. I remember, when I was nine and it was December, there was this huge snowstorm. It was crazy and so fucking cold, even indoors. And my mom asked me to sleep in her bed, so we'd be warm and she'd feel safe but I said no. Why would I wanna be that close to her? And then she cried. Sobbed. And I both resented her and loved her. I didn't want her to be upset, she was my mom. But then I hated how she was acting like everything was fine, that I was fine and that she didn't even ask me what I wanted or how I was feeling. Since then, well, over the years, we've drifted further and further apart. She just wants to fool herself that she's fine although she's still addicted. I'm sure she is, I'm sure she thinks about getting her fix more than she thinks about me. But then, I can't trust her. Even when she tries to make an effort with me. I can't do it. I can't pretend that everything is okay. Because I'm so angry with her. But when she's crying and begging for me to help her, I... I have to. It's involuntary. And that makes me want to hate her even more. You're supposed to love your mom, aren't you? Even if sometimes you don't think she'd notice if you weren't around"

"Eric..." Kyle whispers, broken. He couldn't even begin to understand what it must be like to feel as if nobody cares, to live without at least one instance of unconditional love. But Kyle cared, it was too early to say anything more. But Kyle knew that he cared about this kid, this wonderfully unordinary kid "I care about you very much. You know that don't you?"

Before Cartman could open his mouth to say anything, Kyle was kissing his fingers like he cared about every inch of him. Like he was entirely beautiful. "Yes" Cartman nodded, his voice shaky.

"What do you want to do?" Kyle asked, his half lidded eyes meeting Cartman's in an intoxicating, captivating flurry of green.

"Huh?" Cartman asked, too distracted by how beautiful Kyle appeared to him.

"I mean, what do you want your life to be like? What would be the perfect way to exist?"

"Being on my own" Cartman answered honestly, noticing the flash of sudden hurt in Kyle's eyes "Having no one let me down or leave me. That would be so much easier"

"You really think so?" Kyle asked forlornly.

"Yes" Cartman whispered "But..." He let his thumb linger on Kyle's lip, like he was about to delicately press a flower to a book. He loved the adoration, the want, brimming in Kyle's gaze, how Cartman had captured Kyle's breath and was holding it for him.

"Sometimes I feel like being with someone would make me happier. Someone who I cared about very much."

Kyle smiled gratefully and Cartman swallowed what felt like his racing heart in his mouth.

Kyle held Cartman's hand again and grinned "I think they could make you happy too"

* * *

Fuck, it was cold.

Kyle wished he had gone to his apartment to grab a blanket or something before he bought Eric here. The two of them were sitting on abandoned lawn chairs that Kyle figured somebody left here one summer but forgot about.

The murky city lights made their features somewhat distinguishable through the dark, but it was so windy and biting, even in April, that their vision was blurry.

"Well, what do you think?" Kyle asked cheerfully, squeezing Eric's cold hand and nudging him.

"It's amazing" Cartman gasped. Denver seemed to bloom in front of him, apartment buildings and offices soaring and greedily catching stars on their concrete tongues, spitting constellations. The horizon was a flatline and the mountains in the distance were the spikes of an inky pulse, prepossessing and rigid. In the daylight, everything seemed so random and colorfully messy. Now, everything seemed hushed, even when the night was filled with echoes. An intricate, carefully planned accident of different hues of grey, blue and black. "There's fewer stars than in South Park. But why would you even wanna look at the sky?"

"I thought you would like it" Kyle beamed "I certainly do"

Cartman hadn't thought of home all night. Even when he was telling Kyle about his mom, or when they were talking about high school and growing up and everything in between, Cartman wasn't totally absorbed in home. To him, it seemed like someone else's story, someone else's concern. Instead, he thought about Kyle. They had laughed and played footsie under the table and talked about all manner of things, things that they hardly knew about and they swapped desserts because they didn't like their own but liked the other's. On the walk back to Kyle's apartment, they held hands and exchanged kisses sporadically.

But Cartman was sobering to the fact that he'd have to leave pretty soon. That this night wasn't eternal or on a loop in a relentlessly cyclical existence. He remembered the coffee shop then, and Kyle's words about infinity.

"Do you really think things can be infinite?" Cartman asked.

"Is the view making you philosophical?" Kyle teased.

"No" Cartman blushed "I was just thinking about what you said in the coffee shop. About how if you don't know what you want then the possibilities are infinite. But does that apply to other things?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like... Time" Cartman explains "Or the future. Can a certain event be infinite?"

"I don't think so. And that's not me being negative, that's just fact" Kyle replies "The universe isn't kind enough to let us enjoy things a little while longer"

"Fucking sucks" Cartman mutters, irrationally and childishly disappointed. What else did you expect? He thought meanly.

"Yep" Kyle agreed, resting his head on Eric's shoulder "The future isn't infinite either. It's unpredictable but at least everybody knows that it's finite. I guess that's the kindest thing about it. You know what's gonna happen at the end point but you don't know how you're gonna get there"

"That's not so bad" Cartman realized, before sighing "Still, something has to be predictable, right?"

"Does it?"

"Of course it does!"

"Okay, tell me how"

"I don't know how..." Cartman whined helplessly "But it just has to. It's just, like, this impulsive thing that I know is right..."

"And you're too stubborn to be proven otherwise?" Kyle smirked, licking his teeth.

Cartman thought for a moment, before deciding firmly on "Yes"

"Alright" Kyle nodded thoughtfully before adding "So what if we make each other the predictable thing?"

"Go on..." Cartman said, turning to face Kyle, whose features were highlighted by the distant, chalky glow of the moon.

"We don't know what's gonna happen in the future. But we can promise each other that at least we'll be there. I can be your predictable thing and you can be mine" Kyle offered, squeezing Cartman's hand and hoping the night was dark enough to hide the fearful expression of rejection on his face.

"It's a deal" Cartman grinned, figuring that if tonight was one of the many finite things that will eventually get lost in time and space, at least he kept the best piece of it. Kyle.

"Great" Kyle smiled, kissing Eric's forehead "So, I'll be there at your high school graduation"

"And I'll be there when your first novel gets published" Cartman promises.

"Sounds good" Kyle smiles, before they both turned their attention back to the city. They huddled closer together as a gust of wind rolled along the roof.

"Making pacts with the universe on our first date" Kyle joked "Don't you think we're going a tad fast?"

"Not at all" Cartman replies.

Yep, they were just two predictable things. Longing to be more, wondering if they were. But for now, they were perfectly content with a satisfied silence.

* * *

It's startling how time and space can move so rapidly. It seemed like mere seconds ago that Cartman was sitting with Kyle on the roof, admiring the view and talking about the unpredictable future. It seemed like a heady, lucid dream that he could vividly recall. But that was last night.

Now, he was in his kitchen with Kenny, eating breakfast. An annual event that had been held every Sunday since Kenny got expelled.

Cartman had, once again, regrettably left Kyle's apartment at some ridiculous hour and almost fell asleep on the eerie bus journey home. He was still in bed when Kenny appeared at his door, looking sprightly in a trippy sort of way, still, the morning sun was doing radiant favors for him.

As Lianne made breakfast, Kenny made more idle chat with her than Cartman did. He was too tired and pissed off with himself, his fingers twitching with the urge to grab his phone and call Kyle.

Lianne never ate with the boys. She'd serve up their breakfast and quickly depart to the living room, enjoying a black coffee whilst watching the shopping network.

"So" Kenny said, taking a bite of the delicious bacon that had been generously served on his plate. He had grown more accustomed to having his stomach growl, dissatisfied at him, than feel full. And he had trained himself to barely run on mountain dew and frozen waffles throughout the week. Sunday was the Lord's day, and for Kenny it certainly felt that way at Cartman's house. Maybe if the church served breakfast he'd attend. "How was your date?"

"Good" Cartman nodded distantly, moving his food around with his fork and smirking "Great, actually"

"Did you put out?" Kenny grinned, attempting to diffuse his crude laughter by taking a bite out of his piece of toast.

Cartman smiled dreamily to himself as he thought about what happened when him and Kyle came down from the roof. In Kyle's bed, they fucked in the missionary position (which Cartman always thought would be boring, but with Kyle it certainly wasn't) his legs trembled like crazy when Kyle was in between them, fucking him slow and deep. They fumbled with their kisses when their mouths collided, their tongues licking at each other's lips and Cartman's hands dragged across Kyle's skin and tore into him mercilessly. It was the heaviest, most intense orgasm Cartman had ever had, coating his and Kyle's chests in white.

"Yeah" Cartman whispered weakly, the memory of Kyle's voice in his ear, begging him to keep moaning his name, repeated itself like a beautiful combination of chords. "Kenny, being with him... It's probably the best I'm ever gonna have"

Kenny swallowed harshly, his wide aqua eyes that seemed as open as an August sky struggled to stay calm. They brimmed with an envy and spite that made Kenny nauseous, he wasn't used to feeling such bitter emotions. Although he had every right to. His fingers felt clumsy and numb as he set his knife and fork down on his plate. He feared that if he tried to talk now, his voice would waver and crack. Damn, he thought he was through with this ridiculous feeling. He guessed it wasn't gonna shift any time soon.

"Easy there, sports fan" Kenny laughed nervously, the asphyxiating hold on his chest loosening once he spoke. Clearing his throat, Kenny continued "Don't you think you're saying that a little too soon? I mean, this is like, what the third time you've had sex-"

"Keep your voice down, God damn it!" Cartman hissed "My mom can hear you!"

"What, since when do you care about what she thinks?" Kenny asked, rolling his eyes.

When did he care? Only last night he was telling Kyle how strained things are between them and how he's slowly becoming totally indifferent towards her. But it was that familial bond that refused to break, that involuntary reflex of love that was tripping him up. The only reason he came home from Kyle's last night was because he couldn't leave her on her own. Staying at Kyle's would've been preferable, but he'd still be begrudgingly worried about her.

"Anyway, the point I was trying to make before you so rudely interrupted" Kenny smirks, glaring at Cartman with a false malice, which Cartman goofily reciprocated "Is that you're eighteen, not even outta high school! You've got plenty of wild oats to sow and trust me, there are other Kyles out there-"

"Fuck you, no there isn't!" Cartman shouted defensively but Kenny didn't even flinch. He had known the kid for fourteen years, he was used to Eric's tantrums "You don't even know him, Kenny! So don't try to say he's just another guy to fuck when you haven't even met him!"

"Alright, I'm sorry!" Kenny snapped, raising his hands in defense "What I meant was, there are other _older _guys out there. In this instance, 'Kyle' is shorthand for 'older guy', okay?"

"Why do you think I'd wanna be with older guys?" Cartman asks.

"Because of Kyle!" Kenny explains, like it's totally obvious "The first guy you sleep with is a guy ten years older than you!"

"That doesn't mean I'm only attracted to older guys though..." Cartman mumbles, blushing.

"Again. Sorry" Kenny replies, talking to his scrambled eggs when he says "I just thought maybe there were some daddy issues, I dunno..."

"Please, I am the embodiment of daddy issues. And mommy issues. And issues with people in general"

"Anyway" Kenny says impatiently, rolling his eyes and hoping that maybe he can get to the point "The world is filled with guys who are as good as Kyle in the sack... If not better"

"I don't care about those guys!" Cartman snaps, running an angry hand through his hair. Why was Kenny trying to make Kyle seem so unimportant? Why wasn't he getting that it wasn't just sex, it was something else... Something that Kenny would never understand, Hell, Cartman wasn't even sure himself. "All I care about is Kahl!"

"So what does that mean?" Kenny asked, his mouth shaking and he cast his eyes down so it wouldn't be noticeable.

"Dude" Cartman mutters, fractious. And when Kenny looks up, his eyes are glassy and his face is daring Cartman to make the next move. Albeit rather forlornly and cautiously. "It means that I think I'm falling in love with him"

"Oh" Kenny whispered, his mouth set in a defiant, fake smile of resignation as he limply said "Well, I mean, that's good, terrific, right?"

"Yeah" Cartman whispered softly, the confession exploding like invisible confetti in the space in front of him. "It's amazing..."

* * *

Monday morning arrived too quickly, bringing English class (and the last act of Hamlet) with it.

Broken, expressionless Shakespeare flew around the room like an irritating bug.

But he wasn't paying any attention.

The news was filled with sadness and panic.

The future was unpredictable.

The universe was folding inch by excruciating inch.

His mom was still a lost cause. Apparently, so was he.

And escape from this town was still on the far horizon.

But Cartman didn't care.

Because, starting at the margin of his English notebook, were the words that had knotted themselves around his heartline.

_You're beautiful and doing okay_

And the more Cartman wrote that sentence down, the more he was starting to actually believe it.

* * *

The Jefferson County rugby team were an easy team to beat. Even when the Cows weren't exactly on top form. Still, that didn't stop coach from getting a 'bad feeling' as the Jefferson bus rolled in, their players stepping off sheepishly, like they hadn't been here dozens of times before. This 'bad feeling' was the driving force behind the passionate pre-game speech in the locker room, coach would remind the team to stay alert and sharp and would basically reenact the speech from Any Given Sunday. Like Cartman needed to be reminded of football.

But, on a brisk Wednesday evening, beating Jefferson and celebrating another victory wasn't Cartman's main concern right now. Kyle was here. And that terrified him more than any defeat, than any injury, ever could.

It had been such a long time since Kyle was in a mountain town like South Park, as he walked through the school parking lot, he realized how easy it would be to close his eyes and feel like he was back in Littleton. The smell of gasoline, pine trees and mountain air never differed.

Over the phone, Eric had told him to look for Kenny; if Kyle could see an emaciated kid, with infuriating good looks and a mop of blond, unwashed hair, who was probably shivering and smoking, then he'd found him.

"Hi, um, please tell me your name is Kenny?" Kyle asked, the flask of coffee in his hand the only thing keeping him warm.

"Yeah" Kenny smiled politely, taking a thoughtful drag of his cigarette "And I'm guessing you're Kyle, right?"

"I am" Kyle replied, extending his hand to shake before wondering if that was too formal for this type of introduction.

"Pleased to meet you" Kenny smiled warmly, cigarette clamped between his gleaming teeth and God, he was good-looking. Eric was right. But Kyle wasn't into pretty boys, even when they had holes in their sneakers and dirt on their fingernails.

"You too" Kyle said, shivering from the cold. Even though the crowd was sparse, Kyle still felt like he was in high school, surrounded by teenagers and feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable.

"What's in the flask?" Kenny asked curiously.

"Oh, uh, coffee..."

"Is it Irish?"

Kyle shook his head.

"Big mistake" Kenny warned "It would've made this whole thing a lot less painful"

And Kyle didn't doubt that.

Before he went into his first scrum, Cartman caught a glimpse of Kyle in the bleachers. He blinked as a dizzying panic seemed to flood his vision with cloying stars. Kyle shouldn't be here. This was too close, too real. In Kyle's apartment, with the wonderful view of the city and the warmth of his bed, everything was secure and unbreakable. In this town, it was. Especially here, in school, filled with people he could barely bring himself to look at, let alone talk to. Everything was so imperfect and he didn't want Kyle to be witness to that.

He winced at the contact, all these people surrounding him, strangers pushing into him and even the floodlights descended into the horizon of his vision. It was darkness and dirt and the referee's voice barking into the cold, April evening.

He was concentrating so hard on avoiding a panic attack that he didn't notice the ball had left the scrum and an opportunity was wasted. Like he gave a shit. He just wanted the whistle to blow and for it to all be over.

"What the Hell are you doing?!" A familiar voice shouted. It was his opposite number, a tall, dark-haired guy who looked like he hijacked cars in his spare time. Cartman had problems with this guy before and, on multiple occasions, would've punched him in the face if it was allowed. But he guessed hitting him hard in a tackle, or scoring a try, was as sweet.

Cartman just shook his head and glared at him, he'd rather play the game than argue with that dickhead.

"So..." Kyle began, trying to start a conversation "Do you have any idea what's going on?"

Kenny had hoped they could spend the rest of the game in a civil, if not slightly awkward silence, but Kyle was actually trying to talk to him. And Kenny was too much of a nice guy to even attempt being spiteful and bitchy. The thought of being any of those things made Kenny laugh sadly, God, he'd fail miserably.

"Nope. None at all" Kenny grinned and when Kyle gratefully smiled back, he realized why Cartman had made such a big deal about him. "I mean, Cartman tried to make me watch a game on ESPN but I had no fucking clue. I'm not really into sports."

"Me neither. Except for basketball" Kyle replied, relieved that at least they were attempting a conversation "My homework for tonight was to do research on the game"

"And did you?" Kenny smirked

"Yeah, but it kinda went over my head" Kyle admitted.

As the game went on, Cartman tried in vain to keep focused. Jefferson County were making their usual mistakes and the Cows were using that to their advantage, effortlessly scoring try after try and unabashedly soaking up the lukewarm applause of the crowd. And Cartman hated how he couldn't join in with all that, since he was letting all of Jefferson's mistakes clumsily slip past him, infuriatingly missing opportunities.

Meanwhile, Kenny and Kyle went about their civil conversation and Kenny was finding it harder and harder to feel envious. Although it often swelled, sad and self-loathing in the hollow canteen of his chest.

Since an arrogant Clyde had dropped the ball, another scrum was formed. Cartman gritted his teeth and rolled his eyes at having to be in that suffocating position yet again. Although he didn't love rugby, he found some escapism and relief in playing it, channeling his anger into competition and having a victory to focus his mind on was something he usually welcomed. But now every anxious thought was trained on Kyle and how wrong it felt that he was here, he wanted to keep Kyle separate from all this bullshit.

Cartman sighed frustratedly as his side of the scrum collapsed and he had to fight the urge to walk off the field and hang around in the locker room until the game was over. Fuck what the other guys thought. Fuck this whole game and fuck this stupid anxiety.

Still, everything carried on as normal and Cartman guessed he just had to keep his mouth shut and keep playing, albeit half-assed.

He was so distracted that he didn't even notice Clyde passing him the ball (the poor guy probably thought he needed to give him a chance).

"What the fuck are you doing, fatass?" Clyde yelled as Cartman naturally dropped it. Jesus Christ, Clyde was competitive, but his words sounded like a puppy's feeble bark and Cartman didn't have time for that crap.

"Suck my balls, Clyde" Cartman snapped, running a dirty hand through his messy hair, not even waiting for Clyde's reply.

Cartman had never been so thankful for the half time whistle and when he saw Kyle in the bleachers, he couldn't help but smile.

Kyle and Kenny both waved and Cartman felt no anxiety at all as he quickly waved back.

Being substituted for Brydon Gueermo in the second half didn't come as a surprise to Cartman, but he would've rather gone straight to the locker room, had a shower and got dressed before the end of the game than have to sit on the bench and watch the Cows win without his help. And the fact that Brydon was correcting all of Cartman's mistakes within the game in such a short amount of time made the whole thing more bitter than sweet.

Cartman watched with tired, half-lidded eyes, his expression that of both indifference and impatience and he couldn't bring himself to cheer as yet another try was scored.

The Cows won 21-6 and Cartman didn't join in with the celebrations, instead he went straight to the locker room. And he was still in the shower when he heard the ecstatic, rowdy cheers of his teammates as they obnoxiously burst through the doors, still teeming with aggressive adrenaline and the heady high of their win.

"Not a lot of people came..." Kyle quietly observed as him and Kenny waited for Cartman in the parking lot, next to a rusty pick up truck.

"Nah, they never do" Kenny shrugs "You should see this place during football games, fucking crazy"

"Really? You come and watch?"

"No, I can hear the cheering from my house" Kenny explains "It's not too far from here"

"Oh" Kyle nodded to himself, clearing his throat before asking "How long have you and Eric known each other?"

Kenny laughed quietly before saying "It's cute that you call him 'Eric'"

"Well, that's his name, isn't it?" Kyle asked, confused.

"Yeah, but everybody around here just calls him 'Cartman'"

"Cartman" Kyle spoke to himself, with an amused half smirk. No wonder he introduced himself as that in the club, if he's so used to everybody calling him it "Do you think I should start calling him that?"

"No. I think he likes it that you call him by his first name..." Kenny replies "But to answer your question, I've known him since preschool"

"That's a long time" Kyle mused, staring up at the sky, blinded by the unpolluted stars that craved to be watched. Kyle wondered if Kenny knew about Nebraska and if he did, what could he remember about the whole thing. After all, Kenny was only a kid when it happened and Kyle doubted he had an understanding of the whole thing. Hell, Eric was the one who was witness to it all and he couldn't understand it. But there was something about Kenny, something untimely wise that seemed almost unnerving. This kid had probably seen suffering, felt it, saw the worst sides of human behavior. But still, here he was, smoking his cigarette and smiling genuinely. "Kenny, thanks for tolerating me tonight. I don't know if Eric has divulged many details about our relationship-"

"Not that many. He's a private guy" Kenny interrupted before smiling knowingly "But I know that he really likes you"

Kyle couldn't stop his eyes flickering in a wonderful surprise, but he cleared his throat and shyly continued "Well, the feeling is mutual. And you have every right to be cynical, but I hope that you meeting me has kinda made you feel better about it all. But, anyway, thanks for being so cool. I really appreciate it"

Kenny frowned at Kyle's blatant and sincere kindness, not sure how to erase this guilt, since he had felt such bitter animosity towards a guy he hardly knew and who was actually pretty cool. But he tried to smile, hoping his eyes illustrated something more genuine "Thanks. And it's no problem, you're a nice guy."

"Thanks" Kyle mumbles, they both fidgeted and blushed awkwardly at the cloying sentimentality that was growing like a hideous virus between them.

"Hey, sports fan!" Kenny suddenly called, making Kyle jolt and almost drop his flask. Kenny had never been happier to see Cartman's sulking self.

"Hey" Cartman smiled meekly, itching to leave. His attention quickly turned to Kyle, who was staring contemplatively at his flask, not sure how to conduct himself. It reminded Cartman of the way Kyle looked at the club, circling the rim of his tumbler. Cartman remembered how he kept looking back, to make sure he hadn't imagined it all, that he wasn't losing his mind. But in the present, with his shoulders still aching and the scent of grass still lingering on his skin, he felt his heart swell with a love that could've been unreciprocated. But he didn't care, because that feeling was all his.

"Hi" Cartman said gently, directed at Kyle.

"Oh, hi" Kyle replied moonily, a fidgeting hand running through his curls and his shoulders seemed to drain with tension. Before he could let himself argue against it, he threw his arms around Eric's shoulders and pulled him into a tight, safe embrace.

Kenny dug his cold hands into his jacket pockets, biting the inside of his mouth and hating how Kyle could unabashedly hug Cartman in the middle of the school parking lot and confidently know that his affection wasn't going to be rejected.

"You were great" Kyle murmured lovingly, before kissing Cartman's neck.

"Thanks" Cartman muttered bashfully, untangling himself from the embrace.

Kyle beamed at him, coughing into his fist in understanding and the both of them shared a dreamy, knowing look.

"Yeah, you were great" Kenny said, interrupting their moment "It must've taken a lot of practice to be able to sit on the bench for the entirety of the second half."

"Shut up, douchebag" Cartman smirked, kicking Kenny's ankle and laughing infectiously.

* * *

It was a Saturday the next time Kyle and Cartman saw each other and when Kyle answered the door, he was his usual busy self. It was almost as if he couldn't function in a way that wasn't restless.

"Hi" Kyle breathlessly whispered when he finally managed to pull his mouth away from Eric's. "You're right on time..."

"For what?" Cartman asked, kissing the tip of Kyle's nose.

Kyle grinned and grabbed Cartman's wrist, leading him to his rather small bathroom for his rather small apartment.

"For this" Kyle gestured, beaming proudly. For the bathroom was glowing with the trembling, honeyed flames of what seemed like a thousand candles, burning brightly. The antique bath tub that Kyle spent a fortune on and was easily one of the most expensive things he had ever bought (even though him and Stan had split the cost) was bursting with glistening pink bubbles that shone with every flame that kissed them and the heady smell of scented candles and Jasmine pervaded the room, erasing every dull flaw and making them blush shyly with romance.

"A bubble bath?" Cartman asked, his voice lost in his throat. He never thought anybody would do something like this for him, Hell, he didn't think he would ever _let _anybody. "Really?"

"Yep" Kyle nodded, rather proud of his handiwork. Who knew such a dismal, plain room could look so romantic and inviting and all in under an hour? "Cool, right?"

"It is pretty impressive" Cartman agreed, smiling uncontrollably when he felt Kyle's arms wrap around his shoulders and he turned to meet his bright, Emerald eyes. "But why did you go to all this trouble?"

Kyle frowned, puzzled before pulling Eric closer so they could taste each other's already kiss-stained lips in a teasing proximity. "Because I thought it would be fun, don't you?"

"I guess" Cartman grinned, uncomfortably warming to the idea.

"Right?" Kyle smiled, giving Eric a chaste peck on the lips with every pause "It'll be romantic. And fun. And we get to see each other all wet and naked..."

And with that Cartman was convinced. His eyebrows quirked in surprise and he shifted slightly so Kyle couldn't notice how excited that last point made him. He grinned before wrapping his arms around Kyle's waist and replying huskily "Okay, I'm convinced, take off your clothes"

Kyle giggled smugly, his face growing warm before murmuring hotly into Cartman's mouth "I was kinda hoping you could do that for me"

Cartman bit the inside of his mouth to control his shy, giddy smile as he tried to sexily say "As long as you return the favor"

Running his hands under Eric's shirt Kyle smirked "I'd be more than happy to"

What followed was a wanton, giggling session of French kissing and undressing each other (their tongues occasionally slipping away from their kisses to trail along exposed chests, thighs and stomachs). Their mouths fell to each other's shoulders and necks and their hands managed to find purchase everywhere. After a while they forgot there was a bubble bath waiting for them, especially Cartman, since Kyle's hand was paying special attention to his cock and he would've come right there if Kyle hadn't cruelly stopped what he was doing and informed him the water was going cold.

As much as he loved the pre-bathtime activities, as soon as they got in the tub, Cartman became reluctant and indifferent again. Sitting there awkwardly as he leaned against Kyle, his head resting on Kyle's shoulder, their hands intertwined under the water and both of their feet hanging over the edge. But as soon as Kyle started kissing up his neck and murmuring dirty promises in his ear, then Cartman started to enjoy himself, and dare he say it, relax.

Their bodies were dusted with a sultry sweat and heady scented bubbles, wax dripped silently and unimportantly and everything was hushed and perfect.

"Eric" Kyle teased, taking a break from his rhythmic kisses "Are you actually enjoying this?"

"Shut up" Cartman moaned, with only a slight keen of irritation to his voice.

"You know, this is very _Pretty Woman_" Kyle begins, "When Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are in that enormous bathtub and there are candles and it's super romantic. This is close, right? I mean, I know my bathtub isn't huge but-"

"I haven't seen it" Cartman interrupts.

"What?" Kyle asks incredulously "You've never seen _Pretty Woman_? It's a classic!"

"A classic I have never seen" Cartman pointed out "Is it old? When did it come out?"

"1990"

"So it's an old movie?"

"I wouldn't class it as an old movie..." Kyle replies, his movie geek side embarrassingly revealing itself. His geekiness, and sometimes snobbiness, when it came to movies was kinda like a werewolf curse or his Jersey side. Something he tried to keep hidden but often a trap he couldn't help but fall into.

"Well, what would you class as an old movie?" Cartman asks.

"Personally, classical Hollywood movies, we're talking late 1920s to the early 60s. The Golden Age. Actresses like Elizabeth Taylor, Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Bacall. And then there's the actors like Tony Curtis, Paul Newman, Clark Gable..."

"It seems like you're quite the expert" Cartman smirks, nuzzling into Kyle's shoulder. Like always, he loved to witness Kyle's passion, for whatever it may be. And he secretly hoped that Kyle felt as passionately for him as he did for old movies, writing and his beloved scotch.

Kyle blushed then before admitting softly "I love old movies"

And Cartman didn't doubt that.

"Have you seen any?" Kyle asks, running a gentle hand through Cartman's damp hair.

"Sorry" Cartman shook his head.

Feigning disgusted shock, with a gasp that could've easily strolled out of old Hollywood, Kyle grinned into Cartman's ear "Well, that has to change..."

So as soon as they were out of the tub and dressed, Kyle was breezily flitting around his apartment, making microwave popcorn and laying out his extensive collection of old movies on his living room floor. They lazily snacked on the abundance of popcorn, lying on the floor and deciding what movies to watch. Kyle loved each and every one of them, pouring over the scripts, acting and cinematography.

Finally, they decided on Cat On A Hot Tin Roof (since that was, in Kyle's opinion, the best Tennessee Williams play ever and Elizabeth Taylor was a terrific Maggie), Some Like It Hot and Breakfast At Tiffany's (Because of the excellence of the 'mean reds' speech).

Cartman supposed he could see the appeal of these movies, the spitfire wit, muted, saccharine colors and the camp music that often appeared from nowhere. Everything and everybody seemed so flamboyant, even in their most somber moments. Often, he was more interested in Kyle's Elizabeth Taylor impression, nailing the voice of a Southern Belle. And he laughed at how Kyle could quote Tony Curtis word for word.

But when Holly Golightly found her cat, kissed Paul Varjak and the score for Moon River started to swell, Cartman and Kyle had already fallen asleep in a loose, non-committal embrace.

* * *

The TV was still on when Kyle woke up, the cruel early morning sun shooting through the window and blinding him. Jesus Christ, did he need coffee. What time was it exactly?

He carried out the usual morning task of observing his familiar surroundings; there's always that fear when you wake up, like something seems off and peculiar in a way that you're not sure you like. It just takes a few minutes and a few cautionary glances around the room to calm that primal instinct in you that clings to survival, that there's no danger.

The popcorn was knocked over and his old movie collection still lay on the floor.

Kyle jolted at the sound of soft snoring next to him, Eric was still sleeping heavily and Kyle could still feel the warmth of his body pressed against him all night.

After cleaning up the popcorn and making himself a cup of coffee, Kyle chose to lay back and let Eric sleep. Watching his chest rise and fall, watching him block out the messy world where life could often be so cruel and wonderful. Anxiety was a dream in itself, Nebraska might as well have been a million miles away, nine years ago could have been a thousand and the future was infinite. And watching Eric sleep, Kyle could've kidded himself that it was possible for him too. But he knew better and so did Eric. Still, it was fun to pretend, fun to delay the bad stuff for a little while longer.

With these translucent, starry thoughts floating aimlessly through his still tired mind, Kyle kicked himself. How dare he say he hadn't found a story he cares about.

One was sleeping on his couch.

* * *

**A/N:** _Yay! Cartman is becoming more confident, it's about time..._

_Oh, I have to thank my brother for helping me write the Rugby game. _

_I feel really bad whenever I realize the category of this story is 'Romance/Drama', when there hasn't been that much drama yet. Chapter five is going to rectify this._


	5. Chapter 5

It takes a lot of faith to believe in the notion that our tapestry we call an existence is predestined and that life is a series of moments waiting for you to make your entrance and act. Whatever it may be.

Cartman didn't believe in that. But when he walked through the door on a Tuesday afternoon, expecting the usual after school routine; he walked in on something extremely different.

When he saw his mom, slumped on the kitchen floor with gleaming ribbons of red on her forearms and profuse rivulets of blood travelling down the grooves of the tiles, he had no choice but to believe.

A moment had arrived, pushing him into the spotlight like a blinded animal and he was forced to act. Sink or swim, kid, what's it gonna be?

"Mom" he whispered, dropping his bag on the hallway carpet, everything disconnecting and blurring into a sprinting, pulsing fear that clogged his eyes with terror itself than tears, that made his insides feel like lead and his senses dissolve into one unimportant, indecipherable white-hot blur. A panic attack mixed with pure horror. Somehow, in the nightmarish space he found himself in, that unappreciated, primal instinct made him scream "MOM!"

And he ran, as if the ball was firmly in his hands and the try line was close enough to taste. Nostalgia pricked at the blind, overwhelming panic and allowed the lucid scent of grass and dirt to fill his nose, allowed the harlequin crowd to cheer distantly in his hollowed head.

But the floor fell beneath him and he seemed to land on air as he knelt close to his mom, too close; the blood staining the white of his sneakers.

"Eric" She was crying, a distressed, scratched sob like a deer shot and left unwanted in the woods. But when the kitchen knife had claimed its first road of flesh, oh, how she had screamed, _howled _and if she was a deer, surrounded by diamond bluebells, the birds would've flown from the trees in a frenzied hurry and she'd be left alone in the undergrowth. "Eric... Please... You have to understand..."

Cartman refused to accept the drowning lights in her eyes. _NoNoNoNoNo she can't _Her chest rising and falling like her failing lungs were broken wings _This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to leave me like this, before Nebraska this wouldn't have happened, if that summer had vanished and been lost in infinity, this wouldn't have happened. Kyle was wrong, some events do last forever _The whispers _How dare you. HOW DARE YOU. Can't you see what you're doing to us?! Can you?! _The blood, God, so much of it.

"No" Cartman shouted through gritted teeth, before pulling at his hair until he felt strands separate from his scalp and he cried madly "NO! I don't understand and I never will! I hate you!"

"I know" Lianne moaned mournfully, on a celestial precipice and she hated this suspense. She wanted to plummet. "I-I hate myself... But I love you so much"

"No, you don't" Cartman sobbed, wanting to rest his head on her shoulder. He remembered the smell of her perfume and how it reminded him of being tucked into bed at night, or being picked up from kindergarten. "You wouldn't have done this if you loved me!"

Lianne shook her head and she imagined herself smiling wryly, but her mouth felt numb "I have my reasons"

Cartman was already dialling 911 and staring helplessly, wide-eyed, at her blood stained arms.

"What are you doing?" Lianne whispered, her eyebrows knitted laxly in confusion and her head lulled.

Cartman ignored her, chewing on his lip and blinking away the stinging tears from his eyes.

"Eric" She painfully whispered, nervousness shredding her voice into shards "What are you doing?"

"Shut up!" Cartman shouted, before sighing shakily and saying more calmly "I'm getting help"

"No!" Lianne screamed, falling into him in an effort to grab the phone and Cartman wretched at the feeling of her arms on him, the hideous ringing in his ears from her screams and the mere thought that she wanted to die right here on the kitchen floor. "No, leave me! Go! Go to your room, right now! Eric, I'm begging you-"

"Listen to me" Cartman seethed, trembling with a heady mixture of terrifying emotions and without realizing he had grabbed her with one hand and was holding her failing body intimidatingly close to him "I am not going to my room and ignoring the fact that I'm letting my mother bleed to death on the kitchen floor. This is not the way this fucking shitstorm is ending, you got that? Because what we have may be miserable, but I will not sink that low and let you die when I sure as Hell know I can do something about it"

"But I want this to happen! Let me go!" Lianne screamed, thrashing crazily in her son's arms and Cartman felt half-dead himself as he held her, the phone ringing.

After he had managed to request an ambulance without crying down the phone at the operator or having a panic attack, his mom was still screaming at him.

"Shut up! Shut up, okay?!" Cartman snapped, running a guilty, clueless hand through his hair and not knowing what to do next. _Just wait, just wait, a few more minutes is nothing, you can afford to take a few more rationed minutes _He felt like if he let his mom go she would shatter irreparably, a mess of blood, a bruised heart and a pair of fake Swarovski earrings. "An ambulance is coming and there's nothing you can do about it!"

There was an empty (and greedy, Cartman thought) few minutes of silence, where Lianne had run out of tears and Cartman's ears were trained desperately on the unmistakable hook of an ambulance's wail.

"I'm sorry" Lianne whispered "Sweetheart, I really am"

"Don't say that" Cartman spoke dryly, shaking his head in frustration "You don't mean it"

"But I-"

"Don't say anything" Cartman said, his voice filled with tears and he pressed his shaking wrist to his eyes, which were turned away from his mom "I don't think we should talk about this. Not yet, it's... It's too much."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, a cyclone of questions destroyed the silence he had crafted, however, they remained unspoken. Because, sadly, Cartman knew the answers; Why did she do it? Because she was unhappy, so simply complicated. Why was she unhappy? Because she has no God damn clue what she's doing with her life since the one thing that she was so certain about was taken away from her, it would've eventually killed her, but here she was, on the verge of taking her life anyway. And she didn't need the drugs, not really, she needed help. Why wasn't he enough for her? Her own son? And Cartman couldn't bring himself to find the one answer he didn't know.

Lianne's distant, broken voice snapped the silence in half "Oh, Eric..."

And when Cartman turned to face her, his eyes red and wet, his face damp and his mouth trembling, she had managed to hook her limp arm around his own sturdy, thick one.

"My beautiful baby boy..." Her voice was thin and brittle and her eyes were locked with her son's, but Cartman felt like he was staring at a comatose sky. Dead already, and that was a horrifying thought.

"Mom" Cartman whispered, feeling like a child again, like he could fit neatly in the crook of his mom's arm, once warm, now dangerously cold. Fresh tears trembled in his eyes at the word. Mom.

"Something isn't right" Lianne confessed stubbornly, (her own frail brand of pride), stating the obvious.

Cartman couldn't help but nervously smirk at that. Thankfully, his mom didn't notice.

"Yeah, it hasn't been right for a long time" Cartman replied, his voice flat and empty "But it'll be okay" And it felt like a meaningless promise, because he knew it would never follow through.

"I love you" Lianne whispered, but to Cartman it felt like a Hallmark platitude that could be thrown in the trash in a couple of days. So he shifted uncomfortably and chose to avoid a response.

"You love me too, don't you?" Lianne asked and Cartman squirmed. Damn.

"I..." Cartman began, sighing defeatedly before answering honestly "I don't know, mom. Can you really blame me?"

"I guess not" Lianne replied simply and Cartman felt both proud and surprized by her understanding.

And as the sirens still seemed far away, Hell, as the whole world seemed distant and dancing to a more cheerful beat, Cartman and his mom were here. Waiting. Just waiting. For anything. But the only options Cartman could see was the ambulance arriving soon or Lianne dying in his arms. Oh, how he wished for the options to be elusive, at least then the possibilities would be infinite. He'd have to call Kyle. Whatever happened next, he couldn't handle this alone.

"Mom" Cartman whispered, his voice barely heard over the storm of his panic attack "I can't let you die. I can't let you do this. I can't... You can't leave me"

"I know, I know" Lianne tried to coo, she also tried to cry but there was just a depressing hollow in her chest.

"I'm scared" Cartman whispered, his words becoming lost in his mom's shoulder. She didn't smell like that old perfume, but it was good enough.

"Poopsikins, it's all gonna work out, I promise" Lianne thinly whispered into Eric's hair, not sure if she believed it herself.

"Are you in pain?" Cartman asked, thought he felt like an idiot for even asking.

"I can't really tell" Lianne replied hazily.

Cartman didn't care that he was still sobbing into his mom's shirt when the ambulance crew came and he watched with a stern, helpless expression as his mom drifted in and out of consciousness on the stretcher. She had already passed out before the ambulance arrived, but Cartman hadn't even noticed.

Reality came rushing back to him when he was on his way to the hospital, sitting in silence with total strangers, and his mom, who looked so pale and fragile against the harsh, clinical background.

He reached for his phone with trembling fingers.

"Hello?" Cartman bit back more weak tears at hearing Kyle's voice. It sounded so warm and safe, like nothing bad could ever happen to him again if he wrapped himself up in it.

"Hi" Cartman breathed out tearfully, biting his lip angrily when he realized how shook up he must have sounded.

"What's wrong?" Kyle asked, the anxiety in his voice peeling away some of the safety "Eric, what's wrong? Where are you?"

"An ambulance" Cartman replied simply "My mom, she..."

"She what?" Kyle whispered firmly.

"She tried to kill herself" Cartman answered, choking on another horrible sob.

"Oh my God" Kyle interrupted, lost before his tone became pained and shocked "Oh, Eric..."

"Yeah. I know. I mean, I don't know, God, Kahl, everything is so messed up..." His voice thick with tears as he continued "A-anyway, I'm calling because-"

"Are you on your way to Denver?" Kyle interrupted, nostalgia once again embraced Cartman at hearing Kyle so authoritative. He could smell the scotch, the cologne, Kyle's sheets...

"No" Cartman whispered, brokenly "They're, uh, taking her to Hells Pass. In South Park."

"I'll be there" Kyle answered, strong and stubborn and everything Cartman needed right now. He could just imagine Kyle busily moving around his apartment, trying to find a jacket and working out the bus schedule in his head "I promise. As soon as possible, alright?"

"Alright" Cartman brought himself to smile, relieved, as Kyle hung up.

* * *

_Screw the bus_ this was Kyle's last coherent thought before it all became a fearful, nervous chatter in his mind.

The bus journey would've taken him too damn long, he reasoned, the possibilities of what could've happened during the unfathomable, drawn out minutes was too much. And he needed to see Eric. He didn't know what he could do or say or offer him, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to try. That didn't mean he wasn't going to be there.

So he called Stan, and as the phone rang he prayed that he wasn't busy. Thankfully, he wasn't and Kyle was surprised that Stan could decipher his impatient, fractious rambling. Maybe it was just Kyle's distressed tone that gave Stan a clue and how he kept repeating the word 'car'.

Kyle drove to South Park with a hollowing pit in his stomach. He couldn't appreciate the eternal April sky in all its technicolor glory, all he could really process were the thoughts that refused to shut up and how his hand burned against his tight grip on the steering wheel.

And when he finally saw the hospital, a sigh of relief was twinned with the screeching of the brakes.

Who the fuck names a hospital 'Hells Pass'? He chuckled and shook his head at the thought, selfishly glad that he was distracted momentarily from this blind panic.

Kyle was twelve the last time he had been toa hospital, for a diabetic related emergency. He had passed out during school and next thing he knew he was in a hospital bed, with Ike looking pale and his mom thanking the Lord that he wasn't in a coma.

But Kyle had never visited anyone in hospital, or had to support his sort-of boyfriend who was probably having a panic attack right now.

Kyle didn't realize he had sprinted from the parking lot and through the sliding doors of the hospital lobby until a few startled patients and concerned nurses noticed him.

But he ignored them all. Wondering where in the Hell Eric would be and how he could find him. Kyle called him many times in the car but it was all in vain.

He searched through a couple nameless corridors, that looked so morbidly pale and lifelessly sterilized. Wanting to call out Eric's name, so Eric could hear and appear before him magically. If only life was so perfectly poetic...

But finally, in a place that didn't seem so stripped back and claustrophobic, he saw Eric. He was chewing on his nails and pacing back and forth, from one end of the waiting room bench to another. Ignoring the TV's canned laughter and meaningless punchlines, ignoring the magazines stained with fingerprint smudges and coffee rings.

Kyle sighed silently, his shoulders draining and he smiled sadly, chest hurting.

"Eric" Kyle whispered weakly, clearing his throat and shouting with a clarity he didn't think he was capable of "Eric!"

And when Cartman turned to see him, his eyes were damp and his face was flushed, his trembles visible even from where Kyle was standing.

"Kahl" Cartman breathed out, the sudden urge to step forward and come closer, rose and fell. Instead, he spoke to himself "You came"

Mindlessly, they made their way over to each other, their movements purposeful and oozing with need even though whatever train of thought they had, had dissolved.

Cartman fell into Kyle, sobbing his name as he did, while Kyle protectively clawed at his back, as if he could inhale every inch of him and find a way to keep him safe. Kyle's heart broke and sunk as his shoulder grew wetter and Cartman's fingers trembled over Kyle's sturdy, unmoving self, desperately trying to grip something real and right.

Cartman breathed Kyle in greedily, addicted to how he felt in Kyle's arms and their hearts ferociously pumping together, defying the craziness around them and stubbornly beating for each other. He wished he could stop crying, but he thought that if he stopped, Kyle would let him go. A small, hopeful voice whispered thinly in the back of his mind that would never happen.

But Cartman eventually lifted his head and started to take shallow, hard breaths, something intangible and cruel making him want to fall on the floor.

Words rushed back to Cartman, like an injection of oxygen into drowning lungs and he found himself saying, breathless and hysterical, tears clogging his voice as he did "It was horrible. God, Kahl, it was terrible. She was just slumped on the floor and there was so much blood running down her arms and on the floor, and fuck, on her clothes and I couldn't hear her crying until I rushed over to her and it was even worse up close. There was so much and it was so red and I screamed at her, Kahl. I fucking screamed at her because I hate her and what she's become and what she's done but she can't die, she can't, because she's my mom and I need her, I want her around. She can't end it like this, she can't die, I won't let her, Kahl, I won't, I swear to God, I won't..."

"I know, I know, you won't" Kyle moaned, his slender fingers had slid up Eric's jaw and he planted passionate, reassuring kisses all over Eric's tear-stained face. Tears filled his own eyes, made his own lips tremble. Kyle smirked weakly "You're a very determined young man"

Cartman stared around, bewildered, trying to find his words as he felt like his lungs were being ripped apart by carnivorous, scraping breaths.

"Everything is so messed up, you know? I was crying so much and holding her because I couldn't let her go, because God knows what would've happened but then the ambulance guys came and they said she had passed out... I hadn't even noticed, Kahl. It just didn't feel real or possible, it felt so bizarre and cruel and I wish it could all just end with no ramifications. But, but, fuck, all I knew was, I needed you. I needed you here, I needed you so badly because I don't know what to do and I don't think I can handle this alone, I can't-"

"It's okay, I'm here, it's alright" Kyle reassured, his voice strong. He continued to kiss Eric's face over and over, kissing his forehead, his cheeks, his jaw, his nose and his eyes when they were closed "I'm here, everything will be fine"

And Cartman wanted to believe him, because it was all he had. So he stopped talking then, grinding his teeth in searing anger at this whole situation.

He pressed his forehead to Kyle's and stared deeply into his eyes, and Kyle's eyes held the same intense look.

They began to soften, their breathing slowing down and they were too exhausted and overwhelmed to find any words.

But as soon as Cartman started to cry again, Kyle firmly pressed his lips to Eric's. And Cartman had never been more grateful for Kyle's kiss.

* * *

"So, where have they taken her?" Kyle asks, not expecting a response.

"I dunno" Cartman shrugs, the first time he'd spoken in a couple of thoughtful, panicked hours. "She's probably in an ICU or something. I dunno. The cuts are pretty bad..."

There was too much on his mind to really articulate, and he figured it was best to dream about any words he could say, than actually talk.

The panic attacks every five minutes didn't help either.

Cartman had held Kyle's hand tightly during the first panic attack while Kyle jolted in groggy surprise. Once their hug had broken, Eric withdrew from any further contact and although Kyle couldn't help but want to hold him, he understood that if Eric felt more comfortable in his own reclusive shell; then that was okay. Still, that didn't mean Kyle couldn't ponder what it would be like to bring Eric close to him, stroke his hair and murmur that everything was going to be fine. Although, in all honesty, Kyle wasn't sure whether that was true.

But when Kyle felt Eric grip his hand, his own panic set in and he helplessly looked around for a nurse to magically appear and calm Eric down. But it was just them. In an empty waiting room who's cloying attempts at comfort were taxing.

So Kyle tilted Cartman's chin and forced their eyes to meet and before they knew it they were taking deep, calming breaths together. As if that would extinguish any anxiety ridden thoughts.

Kyle hoped that Eric would keep their hands firmly intertwined, if only to assure him that Eric was okay. But as soon as the heavy breathing simmered down along with the crippling panic, their hands broke away.

Kyle tried to hide his sigh of disappointment and Cartman went back to barely controlling his thoughts.

Kyle fidgeted uncomfortably before asking "Has she ever tried this before?" Although he had the impression that if she had tried this before, Eric would've told him about it.

Cartman shakes his head, his eyes a forlorn reflection of their usual, tenaciously vibrant selves. Everything about him seemed drained, and he sure as Hell felt it. And if the damn lights weren't so intrusive and bright and if the world didn't seem so threatening, he would've happily fallen asleep.

"I'm so tired..." Cartman groaned, an understatement if he'd ever heard one.

"Me too" Kyle yawned, nudging Eric's arm and saying "Maybe you should go to sleep. I'll stay up so if any doctors come over to talk to you, I can wake you. Do they know you're here?"

"Yeah, this is where they told me to wait. Although I was the only one here" Cartman replied "And it's okay, I'd rather stay awake"

"If you're gonna stay up, you're gonna have to drink some coffee" Kyle pointed out, rubbing Eric's shoulder softly.

"Stop telling me what to do" Cartman muttered irritably, meanly shrugging Kyle's hand away.

Kyle bit his tongue before he could ask 'What's the matter?' because that was obvious. Instead, he asked "What do you mean?"

"It's pretty clear" Cartman snapped, running a frustrated hand through his hair "Just stop telling me what to do"

"I'm not telling you what to do" Kyle replied defensively, though he admitted to himself quietly that he kinda was. But he wasn't gonna tell Eric that.

"Yes you are!" Cartman shouted "I don't wanna go to sleep! I don't want coffee! Honestly, I don't know what the fuck is going on! Nothing is making sense to me! And if I can't make my mind up then I don't want you feeling like you have to do it for me!"

Kyle sighed, his face reddening with both anger and guilt. His voice was tense when he replied, as calmly as possible "Look, I get that you're confused and beyond upset right now but-"

"It's-" Cartman interrupted, his voice strained with some incomprehensible frustration, he took an unsteady breath before continuing, gently but still conflicted "God damn it, it's not that"

"What?"

"I'm not pissed off at you telling me what to do because I'm confused or upset..." Cartman began to explain, even though Kyle's words held a considerable amount of truth. "I'm pissed off because you don't have any faith in me!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Kyle shouted, his trademark anger flaring. Even in his exhausted, mixed up state, Cartman kinda liked that. It was that eternally burning passion that he couldn't help but be intrigued with, excited by.

"You think that in situations like these, I'm just a naïve little kid who has no idea what he's doing, or understands how big of a depressing fucking deal this is!" Cartman shouted, he had almost forgotten how intimidating he can be when he's mad, how prepossessing his voice can be when he shouts. Before Kyle can interrupt (who was staring at Cartman with unshakeable, fierce eyes throughout all of this, his immunity to Cartman's rage was undeniably and infuriatingly hot) Cartman continues "Just because I'm younger than you, doesn't mean I don't know how to handle it when things all go to shit! I'm not a clueless moron!"

Kyle pursed his lips together, inwardly sighing stubbornly before exhaling, agitated "But I-"

"I don't wanna hear it!"

"Well, tough fucking shit, you're going to, okay?!" Kyle snapped and Cartman couldn't help but yield. "I never meant to make you feel that way-"

"Alright! So can you at least apologize?"

"What?! Why?"

"Because I need you too, alright? Just quit acting so perfect and innocent and apologize... Then, we can move on, I really don't wanna keep fighting. So just apologize even if you don't think you should."

"Fine" Kyle sighed after a proud few seconds "I'm sorry"

Cartman nodded, lukewarm and still unsatisfied. Meanwhile, Kyle stared at him, looking for any sign of supposed forgiveness or just any sign that he was doing alright in the slightest possible way.

"Happy now?" Kyle asked flatly.

"No..." Cartman smiled sadly, shaking his head and pressing his wrists to his burning eyes. His breath stammered and as he slumped into Kyle's shoulder he muttered self-loathingly "God damn it, Kahl"

Kyle welcomed him unconditionally, wrapping his arms around him. His fingers found themselves in Eric's hair, reminding themselves just how much they loved running through it. Kyle stared at Eric in a gaze of both pity and adoration.

"I'm a fucking dick, Kahl" Cartman murmured sincerely, and although he detested how it sounded in his own voice, he hugged Kyle tighter and whispered wetly into his neck "I'm sorry..."

"Shut up" Kyle smirked wickedly into Eric's hair. After a while, Kyle rested his cheek on Eric's head and smiled warmly at the scent of his shampoo and how the chestnut shade of his hair looked up close. Cartman closed his eyes thankfully, wondering why they hadn't been sitting like this the entire time.

"You had a point, though" Kyle confessed uneasily "I was kinda bossy, but that's just what I do in scary situations."

"You're scared?" Cartman asks, though it sounded more like a whimper.

"Of course I am" Kyle replied, like it was obvious, squeezing Cartman protectively he continued "I'm worried about you"

He lowered his voice and added "You may not have noticed this but I like you a lot"

"God, I didn't notice at all" Cartman teased.

Kyle ruffled his hair and grinned into Eric's lovely hair. Becoming more serious, he added pensively "And I know you're capable of handling this. I think you're capable of so many great things, you just haven't realized it yet"

"You think so?" Cartman asked, nobody had ever told him that. His elementary school class reports hinted at a wasted potential, application of himself would take him far but all of that paled in the harsh, critical light that he found himself swathed in. Words like miscreant, troublemaker, bastard, delinquent, asshole, terror were spat and stamped on him until he started to strive to be that way, because he figured nobody wanted him to be any different. Prove them all right. It never occurred to Cartman to prove them all wrong. Even his own mother despaired over him, her love was unconditional to a point of delusion, but after Nebraska, like so many things about her, it started to wane. But here he was, being held by this wonderful man, who wanted him and cared for him like Cartman dreamt somebody would, and he was telling him that there was more, that he fervently believed in him; just another kid with tons of baggage from a pissant mountain town. Cartman had found Kyle at long last and it seemed like a forever ago.

"Totally. You have no idea how much faith I have in you, Eric." Kyle answered sincerely, kissing Eric's hair. "You're gonna be fine, better than that... You're gonna be great"

And, for Cartman, there were no more 'maybes'. In that moment he knew he was in love with Kyle, regardless if it was a bad idea or a great one.

* * *

Cartman was half-asleep when Kyle forcefully nudged him.

A jaded, unphased doctor stared at them with a lukewarm slither of curiosity before Cartman and Kyle composed themselves.

"You're Eric Cartman, yes?" The doctor asked, his voice a sleepy yet sobering tone that could give you a miserable prognosis and the football score in the same breath.

"Yeah" Cartman nodded, tempted to yawn.

"And I don't believe I know who you are" The doctor unsurely directed at Kyle, who exhibited none of Cartman's awkwardness or exhaustion.

"Kyle Broflovski" Kyle said, extending his hand for the doctor to shake, and from what Cartman could gather, Kyle seemed to be the person who was putting the most effort into this pleasantry.

"I see..." The doctor nodded, and Cartman scowled at this asshole's unfair distaste of Kyle. Seriously, who the Hell did he think he is?

Maybe it was the frail balancing act of all kinds of emotions that made Cartman shift uncomfortably in his seat and add, both pointedly and thoughtlessly "He's my boyfriend"

Kyle bit the inside of his cheek to contain a proud smirk at Eric. But that didn't stop him from shooting him a surprised, impressed look.

"Well, it's nice to meet you" The doctor coughed into his startled fist, with a politeness that couldn't be more fake if he tried.

"How's my mom doing?" Cartman asked, itching to get out of this chair.

The doctor rolled his shoulders back, almost in preparation for what Cartman was about to see, before he pushed his glasses further up his nose and said "Follow me this way"

As they walked the short distance to Lianne's room, Cartman stared at his sneakers like he was willing for his feet to move faster. Every attempt Kyle made to hold his hand was fruitless, since Eric's hands were fidgeting with some defensive, impatient energy.

"Here she is" The doctor announced, presenting her like she was an auction piece at the County Fair.

Cartman didn't know whether he was allowed to go in her room, but he couldn't bring himself to turn the doorknob. Kyle's breath hitched expectantly behind him, trained on Eric and wincing as soon as he started to tremble, knowing that if he tried to touch him, he would just be batted away.

Looking at her pale, cleansed body fading into the starched white of the bed, Cartman reminded himself of the first few days after Nebraska. Where hour-long naps extended into nights and days. Cartman would watch contemplatively from his mom's bedroom doorway, she wouldn't toss or turn into her lavender scented pillow, she didn't move or whimper like she was enveloped in dreams, she sprawled herself under clean pastel sheets like she'd been caught in a warpath. An empty vessel that couldn't even cling to that one merciful piece of fat that her purifying drought that had left her. But now, Cartman realized, as his own reflection blurred in the door's tiny window, she looked numbed, a vessel now bloated on medication and a terrifying reality to wake up to. Bandaged and sedated like a doll that's in constant need of fixing.

"She's stable" The doctor droned on, Cartman was barely listening while Kyle was self-appointedly hooked on every word "But she's on a lot of medication since she was in such agonizing pain. She lost so much blood that we were unsure she'd make it, but she seems like a very strong woman underneath it all. Very determined to keep holding on-"

"I think that runs in the family, doc" Kyle murmured, his fingers ghosting the nape of Eric's neck and Eric weakly smiled in appreciation, a blush growing behind his ears.

"There are concerns obviously about her mental well-being, and we'd feel more at ease if we kept her here for a while. Maybe organised some psychiatric help, counselling and such..."

Cartman nodded, glancing back at the doctor to show him he was taking this very seriously. That he was mature, like Kyle.

"I'm assuming that it's just you and your mom at home, yes?" The doctor asked.

Cartman nodded, not even wanting to think about home. All the lights will be off and those kitchen tiles will still be screaming red.

"I'm sure you're perfectly capable of looking after yourself, young man, but if you think you'd feel safer staying with others, if I were you, I'd start trying to arrange-"

"He's staying with me" Kyle interrupted firmly, gripping Eric's hand and challenging the doctor with his fervent emerald stare.

Meanwhile, Cartman studied Kyle's face for even a hint of hesitancy, but he found none.

* * *

"I think I want to leave now..." Cartman had dryly whispered after a few more thoughtful, silent minutes of staring at his mom through the small window.

Kyle sighed deeply before clearing his throat and muttering "Alright. Let's go..."

They both took one last look of Lianne before they started to walk away. She was a very attractive woman, Kyle had realized, and even though the features of her face were distant, they were still undeniably Eric. The delicate, ski-slope nose and a bottom lip that was slightly fuller than the top one. Still, it was hard to imagine her and Eric behaving like mother and son, greeting each other in the morning and when he came home from school, celebrating birthdays and having arguments over chores and curfews. Determined she may be, but to Kyle she certainly didn't seem strong-willed or responsible.

It wasn't until they reached the lobby did Cartman rest his head on Kyle's shoulder and warmly welcome Kyle's arm wrapped around his waist. But the rest of the car ride was spent in, an expected, silence.

And for once, when Kyle gently placed his hand on Eric's knee, he didn't mind when Eric didn't respond. He just kept his fingers right there, smiling pitifully to himself when he glanced over and saw that Eric's damp eyes were trained on the night sky and the rows of darkened mountains.

"What do you want to do, now?" Kyle asked when they finally arrived at his apartment, to Cartman, the car journey felt like hours.

"Sleep" Cartman yawned, leaning against the wall and pawing lazily at his tired eyes.

"Right" Kyle whispered, but Cartman had already started to make his way to Kyle's room and he threw himself on the bed.

Kyle had silently crept to the open doorway of his room, resting his head against the frame and with a small smile, he stared at Eric with fascination. Curled up, with his back facing him, for such a tall guy he seemed like a detached, frightened child, trying vainly to keep warm but with his defenses raised ridiculously high.

The artificial lights of the city meant that Kyle's room was never truly dark, and seeing a troubled Eric lying on his bed so innocently, Kyle had never been more grateful for the constant presence of forever-glowing streetlights.

"You can come over here, if you want" Cartman suddenly spoke, Kyle smirked at his caustic laced tone "It is your bed after all..."

Kyle rolled his eyes and quietly chuckled, before lying on the bed next to Eric.

"How did you know I was staring at you?" Kyle asked, wrapping his arm around Eric's waist while the other arm was rested under his own head.

"I dunno" Cartman shrugged sleepily, moving his body closer to the wall of heat behind him. "I just sort of... figured out you were there, I guess"

"What do you think that means?" Kyle joked, playfully nipping at Eric's ear.

"That I'm psychic" Cartman deadpanned, his vision blackening as sleep began to claim him.

"Smartass" Kyle teases, nuzzling into Eric's hair and kicking the back of his leg.

"Get used to it" Cartman smirked, his hand reaching out for Kyle's, their fingers becoming intertwined and charting the rise and fall of his breathing.

Kyle squeezed Eric's hand in appreciation and melted when Eric arched his back ever so teasingly. Kyle had to shift slightly so he wouldn't get too excited, he thought a boner would kill the moment and attending to said boner would be the last thing on Eric's mind.

"Do you realize that this is the first time I've ever stayed the night?" Cartman asked.

Kyle had noticed, but he played it cool "Oh, yeah, I guess it is..."

"It's kinda sad. I never thought this is how I'd spend my first night with you in bed"

Kyle's eyebrows quirked in surprise, some excitable, sizzling heat in his groin twitching. He got the feeling that controlling his arousal may be difficult. "Well, how did you imagine it?"

"I just thought, well, that we wouldn't be lying over the covers for a start" Cartman replies "And we certainly wouldn't have our clothes on, and we'd be too strung out to talk, but so satisfied that we don't really need to have a conversation. It'd be like every other time we've laid in bed after having sex, except it'd last longer. I wouldn't have to worry about going home..."

Silence. Trespassed by distant sirens and car horns. It wasn't the kind of after sex silence that the both of them so enjoyed and cherished. In a way, it was even better. It was a silence of understanding and appreciation, that they were so chastely and dreamily close, that they were intangibly surrounded by such tender protection.

"There's always tomorrow night" Kyle grinned, trailing his hot lips down Eric's neck.

"Can't wait" Cartman breathed out, smiling wickedly when his head dipped back and Kyle took full advantage; claiming his neck with lovebites, before ending his conquest with a sweet peck on his chin.

"Good night, Kahl" Cartman whispered, feeling limp.

"Good night, Eric" Kyle replied huskily, making a pillow out of Eric's shoulder.

And Cartman felt pretty damn glad that he fell asleep to the feeling of Kyle's kisses on his neck.

As usual, in Kyle's apartment, Hell, in Kyle's arms, his problems felt miles away.

* * *

**A/N:** _Yay! Drama bomb (sort of) dropped. _

_Honestly, guys, I don't really know what's gonna happen with his fic. I really want to finish it because I'd feel bad if I didn't, but I also just feel so underwhelmed by this fic in general. I dunno. Plus, I have a lot going on with school and stuff lately so maybe after my A Levels finish I'll feel more positive. So, I'm not technically giving up on this story but, yeah, I figure that the readers of this story should know how I'm feeling about it all. _


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** _So, yeah, I'm back with another chapter. God, I suck at being on 'hiatus'... If you can even call two weeks a hiatus. But I guess it is, considering that there's been little space between the updates, so in perspective, it's been a while. Shut up. Sorry for the rambling. Anyway, as you may remember from my author's note on Chapter 5, I was feeling down in the dumps with this story. It was a lot of things:_

_(1. The fact that when it comes to ideas for stories, I get really passionate about them and once I start writing, I want to see them through to the end, but my ideas (and motivation for those ideas) come and go so quickly. It's frustrating. But the motivation and excitement I have for this story ebbs and flows, which is actually pretty good going for me. This is usually why I only write oneshots, because I'd hate to write a multi-chapter fanfic and then give up on it. This story was actually going to be a really long oneshot then I realized the idea and plot that I had mapped out for it was simply too big. My point is, that I recently went through a phase where my motivation was lacking for this story. Yeah. I really need to work on my ability to cut to the chase. _

_(2. Okay, this is gonna sound so pathetic when I say this, and I hate admitting it but... It's really disheartening when you feel like hardly anybody is reading your story. Especially when you put a lot of time into it and you're actually kinda proud of it. Fellow writers can sympathize with me on this. That being said, the reviews and feedback I have recieved have been so helpful and a pleasure to read. So I love you guys for reading, and I wish I could shake this stupid, disheartening feeling that makes me feel so pathetic and childish, but, yeah, when you're in a bad mood, and you feel like you're a terrible writer and then start to convince yourself that nobody gives a shit about your story (even though that's not the case at all), it's really annoying. _

_(3. SCHOOL. Uch, the bane of my existence at the minute. Do I need to say anymore? And even though I'm posting this chapter, I'm confident that the next couple of chapters will be more sporadically posted (even if it's just a two week wait, like this one) because my exams are still going on, I have yet to write the following chapters and the only reason I'm posting this one now is because I had already written half of it. _

_But, that being said, the positive, wonderful feedback I have received has made me feel so much better! Seriously, to everybody who has reviewed, followed, favorited and is reading this story, thank you guys! See, when I do feel discouraged and that nobody is reading, I always try to remind myself that even if only one person was reading, but is enjoying what I'm doing, then that's awesome. And now that my mood is slightly better, I can see that now. _

_Anyway, I'm gonna shut up and let you read Chapter 6 of An Infinite April! Enjoy!_

* * *

To his surprise, Cartman woke up in an empty bed. He didn't know what he was expecting; breakfast in bed with all the trimmings, Kyle curled up with the morning's newspaper or for Kyle to still be asleep and spooning him.

Cartman sat up in this familiar, safe bed and rubbed at his eyes. And the shaky sigh that he let slip could well have turned into a sob if he hadn't stubbornly pushed the feeling away. Because while he was staying at Kyle's, where everything was always so familiar and safe, all the shit that was going on outside wasn't. It was unmoving, overwhelming, terrifying and worst of all, new. Like anything Cartman had never (and hoped he never had to) experienced before.

Not today. He couldn't go today. Today, he was more than content with being a coward. With being brazen with his fear and trepidation. He doubted he could look his mom in the eye without crying, shouting, having a panic attack or all of the above.

Uch, he had slept in his clothes. He must've been exhausted if he could fall asleep whilst being this uncomfortable.

With his mind throbbing with questions and doubts, he managed to stumble out of Kyle's bedroom and into the living room.

"Good morning" A rather chipper Kyle said from the couch, eating a bowl of cornflakes whilst watching the morning news in his sweatpants and Denver Nuggets t-shirt.

"Morning" Cartman replied weakly, his voice rough. He ran his hand through his dishevelled hair before dabbing at his face self-consciously for any signs of drool.

"Aren't you gonna sit down?" Kyle asked.

"Um, okay..." Cartman muttered to himself, hesitantly sitting down on the armchair and keeping his eyes focused on the bulletins that were constantly streaming along the bottom of the screen.

Eric had a surprisingly good night's sleep, considering his mom had attempted suicide just hours before. Kyle guessed this was just another symptom of shock and a life-long exhaustion of trying to figure out a struggling woman who's supposed to be keeping it all together... Because that's what mothers are supposed to do, aren't they? Be selfless even when they're desperate for help, never put a foot wrong even when they're unsure of what to do next and always be there even if sometimes they doubted whether they should, or want to, be there at all. And Kyle thought that was rather unfair, for both Eric and his mom. Maybe tonight, when the saline wounds were no longer fresh, Eric would finally feel the impact in his numbed, dreaming state. And Kyle would be there. He had no problem staying up all night for him. Hell, that was pretty much what happened last night; Kyle staring at Eric and soaking up his story, richly fascinated and slowly falling more and more in-

"Do you want something to eat?" Kyle quickly asked "I need to go to the grocery store later, so there's not much here right now, but I have cereal or I could make you eggs and toast-"

"Cereal's fine. Thanks" Cartman laughed weakly, finding Kyle's eagerness to be the perfect host/boyfriend adorable.

"Cereal. Right away" Kyle whispered, fidgeting as he rushed over to the kitchen in his typical busy, excitable fashion.

"Orange juice?" Kyle called from the kitchen.

"Please"

Cartman began to think about his house; the lights off and the blood uncleaned and as he sat in Kyle's armchair with day old clothes, he felt like a runaway. And the thought of running away from South Park without turning back, unmissed and empty-handed felt so terrifyingly exhilarating that he almost forgot the gossip of the neighbors and his mom swathed in bandages and wires. And what seemed exhilarating now became irreparably smothering.

Luckily, before his panic attack could escalate anymore dramatically, Kyle arrived with his cereal and orange juice.

"So, we still have Stan's car, how about when we're all freshened up we take a little trip to South Park?" Kyle asked, nervousness crept into his voice and he tried to approach the subject of Eric's hometown gently.

"Why would you wanna go there?" Cartman asked, the cereal feeling tasteless and lumpy as his chest tightened with anxiety.

"Because we need to get your things. Clothes, underwear, that kinda stuff" Kyle explains, taking a sip of his coffee.

"What about school?" Cartman asked so quietly that he prayed Kyle didn't hear him.

"How about you 'call in sick' this week? For lack of a better phrase..."

"You really think I should?" Cartman asked, only really thinking about Ophelia, the tests he had to study for and the rugby practice he was supposed to attend tonight.

"Yeah" Kyle nodded, before his tone became more somber "I mean, it's unfair to expect you to go school and feel lonely with all this crap going on. At least I think so. I don't expect you to be up for it-"

"I'm never up for it" Cartman mumbles and his moodiness is dampened somewhat by Kyle's wry laughter.

"So, what do you say?" Kyle says, with a keen of optimism "Road trip to South Park?"

Cartman rolls his eyes before grinning exasperatedly "Fine. I guess I can't wear this everyday"

"No, you certainly can't" Kyle adds.

With his spoon, Cartman stirred the remains of his cereal shyly, inexplicably blushing when he coughed into his fist and asked "Do you mind if I, uh, have a shower?"

"Of course not, dumbass" Kyle smirks, taking their empty bowls and mugs to the kitchen. "I'll get dressed and once you're ready we can hit the road"

"Alright" Cartman says as he gets up, pausing thoughtfully and studying his nails in a way that was uncomfortably nonchalant as he attempted to offer flirtatiously "You can join me, if you want..."

And Kyle bit his lip and melted at the awkward, cute sexiness that Eric often exhibited. Like he was totally unaware of the sexual stimulus he could provoke and his own unique brand of attractiveness. "I'd love to"

Cartman sighed happily when Kyle teasingly wrapped his arms around his neck, God, he loved how Kyle had to stand on his tiptoes just so they could make eye contact.

Cartman smirked more confidently "I figure we should make up for last night" Immediately blushing after he said it, but Kyle didn't seem to mind.

"Good idea" Kyle whispered, kissing the tip of Eric's nose.

* * *

How could a place that once seemed so innocuous now seem so foreboding?

Cartman's approach to finally getting out of Stan's car was like a band-aid; rip it off quickly and it's relatively painless. He figured, the quicker he got out of the car the less painful it would be to make the next daunting move. Actually going back into his house.

But he had been leaning against the car door and staring at his home for twenty minutes, unsure if he had any intention of going inside. The colorless sun that ripped through the overcast sky made him squint up at the building (as that was all it seemed to him right now) and his hands were shoved deep into his jacket pockets, contemplating fruitlessly.

Kyle stood next to Eric, nodding along to everything he said because he felt he had no right to be making assumptions or giving him demands; what the fuck did he know about this kind of thing? Kyle had no idea what it felt like to be apart of a family where the seams had come undone, sure his parents had their issues, but nothing compared to this. But he was sure Eric loved his mom, even if he professed he couldn't possibly, even if he toyed with the thought of total ambivalence towards her. He must love her, if it's eating him up this much, then he must, right?

"What are you so afraid of?" Kyle finally asked, albeit shyly.

"Nothing, I'm not afraid of anything" Cartman replied shortly, his eyes still focused on the house.

"Then why are you stalling?" Kyle asks "It's gotta be out of fear, hasn't it?"

"I guess, but..." Cartman replies, his breath hitching as he exhales "There are lots of other things I'm feeling right now"

"Alright" Kyle nods "But how long you stand out here isn't gonna make a difference to what could be inside that house"

"Exactly!" Cartman snaps "No matter what I do I can't change anything!"

And the volume of Cartman's voice seemed even louder in the empty street, making the both of them flinch.

Kyle stared up at the sky for words before he said "That doesn't mean you shouldn't go inside. You're gonna have to sooner or later"

Cartman wondered if he could avoid going into the kitchen, though some instinctive voice told him that was the first place he'd have to go. It was the band-aid approach all over again.

"Fine" Cartman sighed "Let's go.."

Cartman counted every crunch of the snow under his feet like he was counting every fleshy, thump of his swollen heart. And every step felt like one too many.

Cartman swallowed nervously as he opened the front door and him and Kyle stepped inside silently. The only light came from the kitchen, like the last feeble, blinking lighthouse on a desert island. Everything else was dark, even in the afternoon it seemed so chillingly dark and as Eric and Kyle stood there, their heartbeats were becoming lost in translation. Cartman was too afraid to even find the light switch.

Finally, after clumsily trailing his fingers along the wall, Kyle found it himself. And color and life sprinted through the room, albeit a little cold.

"I'm guessing I'm not gonna get a tour, right?" Kyle tried to joke but then wished he hadn't.

"No" Cartman whispered, lost. He stared around his hallway like he hadn't stood here countless times before. "Sorry" But he didn't really mean it.

"I was kidding" Kyle explained.

"Oh" Cartman nodded awkwardly, blushing.

Taking a deep breath and trying his damn hardest to be a lot more brave and mature than he felt, Cartman said "Listen, I think I better go deal with what's in there" Cartman gestured to the kitchen "You know, clean up and everything."

"Alright" Kyle nodded, impressed by Eric's desire to take such control of this very unpleasant situation "I can come and help you, if you want?"

"I think it's something I have to do on my own" Cartman quickly says, frowning at the flash of hurt that briefly marred Kyle's features. "I can't explain why. Right now, I can't explain anything but I think it would be best. But I'll be okay, I promise. I'll get it done as quickly as possible. Like a band-aid, right? Quick and painless"

Cartman was aware his rambling suggested anything but being 'under control' and he wished Kyle would shut him up.

Kyle shook his head with an understanding, exasperated smile and silenced Eric with a firm, chaste kiss.

"I don't get it" Kyle said honestly "But as long as you do-"

"Yeah, totally" Cartman interrupted.

"Good" Kyle smiled "So, is there anything else I can do?"

"Wait upstairs?" Cartman asked "In my room? It's the first door to your right"

Kyle nodded before heading upstairs, but as he reached the fourth step, he leaned over the railing and kissed Eric's ear, laughing quietly to himself when Eric jolted in surprise.

"Everything will be fine" Kyle promised before departing upstairs.

Cartman braced himself with a deep breath and kept his eyes determinedly trained on the floor as he practically marched into the kitchen; hoping his strides suggested purpose not overwhelming fear.

The stains were still there.

The knife still lay on the floor, grinning mockingly at Cartman with its silver, frigid fang.

And the dinner that was half-made was still on the counter.

Cartman choked on a quiet sob when he realized that. Everything was normal (his and his mom's idea of normal anyway) until suddenly, one movement, one thought, one thin, weak fiber snapped and made his mom grab that knife with blurry hands and shaky fingers and then-

The floor. Cartman pulled his eyes away from the sorry scene and to a scene more grotesque. A dark smear of red slid down the cupboard beneath the sink, and he imagined his mom's gratuitous sobs and the excruciating pain and a pale, fragile arm being dragged limply across the wooden surface.

Cartman shuddered. Where was the sponge? The bucket? Under the sink. Great.

Swallowing the frail lining of his stomach that had risen in his throat, Cartman resigned himself to the hideous task of cleaning up. He had never done that before. His mom used to give him a list of chores but since he knew that she didn't care if he did them or not, or if he paid attention to any means of them barely communicating with each other, then why the Hell bother? He had better things to do, or so he convinced himself.

At that moment, he hated his younger self. And he wasn't sure whether he liked his current self either.

But before he could start to fill up the bucket with soap and water, a weak mewl roused a relieved, welcomed smile on his face.

God, how hadn't he noticed Mr Kitty curled up by the food bowl? Poor cat. After Nebraska, Mr Kitty's nightly exertions tended to go on for weeks and months, but Cartman never made any effort to find him. Or put up any posters on the streetlights. It wasn't that he didn't care, Hell no, but could he really blame Mr Kitty for wanting to get out of this fucked up home? Mr Kitty was a smart old cat, alright, for years he was doing the one thing Cartman only dreamed he could. Leave whenever he wished. Still, he did miss waking up and seeing Mr Kitty prowling over his sheets, he missed coming home from school and finding Mr Kitty curled up on his bed and he'd spend a few minutes with his pet on his stomach, letting Mr Kitty lick his hand and swat at his face with his little grey paw.

"Nice to see you're back..." Cartman grinned, forgoing the cupboard where he assumed the cleaning supplies were kept and instead reaching for the cupboard where he knew for sure the cat food was.

Cartman knelt and poured some cat food into the bowl, studying Mr Kitty for any sign of joy at seeing his beloved owner. All he received was an indifferent look and an impatient, hungry lick at his whiskers.

"I missed you, buddy" Cartman cooed, stroking down Mr Kitty's back "But I'm not gonna be around for a while, like that's a problem for you..."

Mr Kitty purred in response, tucking into his meal once the cat food in his bowl was ample.

"Enjoy" Cartman smiled goofily in an effort to think more positively "I have work to do"

So while Mr Kitty ate something other than mice and food from garbage bags for a change, Cartman scrubbed at the floor. The soapy water crawled under his knees, dampening his jeans but he didn't care as long as the tiles gleamed back at him, stainless and erased of anything broken. _Oh, mom, don't worry about the terrible mess you left on the floor _He imagined saying at the hospital, with a wicked confidence and a grudge to bear _I cleaned it up. Yep, I finally did something around the house, like you so listlessly asked me to do. It was probably the most horrible experience of my life, you know, because nobody wants to be reminded of the time their mom tried to commit suicide. But what can you do, huh? I guess that's just the kind of son I am. Going the extra mile. But what would you know about that? _Fuck being kind, fuck being the bigger person, right now, these malicious thoughts were the only things keeping him from throwing the bucket at the wall and tearing up his kitchen.

Meanwhile, Kyle was still wandering around Eric's room, never had he been so fascinated with four, small walls.

Kyle didn't pay much attention the trivial details that make up every teenager's room; the unmade bed, the neglected desk of 'unimportant' school stuff, the hamper filled with clothes that have been purposefully unattended. Instead, Kyle took note of the little pieces of fleeting memories, random objects that were starting to paint a clearer picture of Eric.

Even though Eric made it seem to Kyle that he didn't know much about movies, the array of posters on his wall above his bed spoke opposite; Mel Gibson donned for battle in _Braveheart, _Uma Thurman and her effortless bedroom eyes and limply held cigarette in _Pulp Fiction, _a sullen Al Pacino surrounded by copious amounts of money and cocaine in _Scarface, _and surprisingly, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John in a leather-clad embrace in _Grease. _Kyle imagined Eric lounging in bed on lazy days, maybe April days like this where the downpours were heavy, and watching these movies, laughing and smiling and maybe muttering some of his favorite lines to himself. Band posters too, were a popular feature on the wall; _The Pixies, Nine Inch Nails, The Kills, The Smiths, Nirvana _and Kyle appreciated the somewhat eclectic mix. Kyle chuckled to himself at Eric singing along to any of these lyrics, maybe the faster, less somber songs. His own renditions of _Is She Weird? _in the shower and _This Charming Man _whilst he was doing the dishes. Adorably, The Terrance and Philip poster obviously still took pride of place in the center, arguably the biggest out of them all.

Kyle picked up the framed photographs on Eric's dresser, wondering if Eric had done that himself or if his mom insisted that these pictures needed to be framed and displayed, if only for him. Kyle could imagine Lianne's empty, half-hearted argument and Eric rolling his eyes knowingly and begrudgingly as his mom busied herself with finding decent frames. One of the photos happened to be of Eric and his mom, at what appeared to be a rec center on Eric's eighth birthday, surrounded by little kids with messy hair and ice cream on their clothes, Eric was blowing out the candles while his mom hugged him from behind, in a warm embrace and in a paranoid attempt to keep him away from the flames. Even Kyle could see how thin she was, with her drained eyes and tiny wrists. It was a shame the cute little kid with the big attitude couldn't see it for himself. God knows he had needed to. Another picture was taken later, by Kenny, who was holding a camera at arms length and an uncooperative Eric seemed rather grumpy. How old is he there? Kyle wondered, fourteen? Fifteen? A typical Colorado summer caught the flash of the camera, the two boys somewhat veiled in a weak shadow. Kenny is grinning, with a decidedly cute sunburn and his aqua eyes managing to brightly steal away from the shadow, while Eric looks considerably more uncomfortable, his freckled arms folded and he looks a lot chubbier than he does now. Maybe this was taken before he started playing Rugby? Kyle wondered. And the other picture is definitely more recent; a group photo of his Rugby team, looking professional and polished as they try to pose like professional athletes on the bleachers. Eric is easy to spot, an easy, comfortable grin on his face that Kyle can tell was instantly wiped away as soon as the photo was taken.

There were still so many things in this room that Kyle was curious about; the pretty impressive camera that hung on Eric's closet door, the small gold trophy on his desk (Kyle supposed that was Rugby related), the miniature, blue rocking chair with _Clyde Frog _written on it and the two walls that were painted black. Kyle could only imagine the reason Eric wanted to strip the color away from those walls, especially as the rest of his room was such a lovely shade of purple.

"Oh" Kyle whispered, turning around as he heard faint, thoughtful footsteps and saw Eric leaning against the doorway "Hi"

"Hi" Cartman muttered listlessly, moving away from the door and sitting on his bed. Every moment he spent in this house felt like a bad idea and however badly Cartman wanted to leave before any more self-inflicted damage could be done, he just couldn't.

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows and shoved his hands defeatedly into his jacket pockets "Did you clean up?"

Cartman nodded, biting the inside of his mouth and quickly dabbing at his damp eyes with his wrists. God, he hated crying. But it seemed like every silence was the perfect opportunity to sob, and not even out of sadness. Just every confusing emotion in between.

"At least you did it" Kyle sighed, sitting on the bed next to Eric and wrapping his arm around his chest, his slender fingers tenderly stroking his broad shoulder.

Cartman didn't respond, instead he stared blankly at this closet. Stoic and utterly fed up in Kyle's arms. But that didn't deter Kyle one bit, and while Cartman was thankful for that, he didn't know how long Kyle's patience would last. Am I too much for him? Cartman began to wonder, terrified of pushing Kyle away without even thinking about it.

When he felt Kyle's warm lips brushing against his ear, Cartman bit back a smile.

"Do you realize how brave you are?" Kyle asked, his voice crisp and sweet.

"I'm not brave..." Cartman mumbled, balling his fists with self-loathing.

"Yes you are" Kyle said calmly, but his words held a considerable amount of passion "Immensely brave"

"How?" Cartman asked, his voice sharp with tears "I'm a fucking mess, Kahl. Even the tiniest things seem terrifying right now, so how can I be brave?"

Kyle closed his eyes, inhaling thoughtfully as he tried to make Eric see just how brave he is.

"Look at me" Kyle said firmly, pressing his forehead to Eric's and the two of them exchanged ragged, close breaths "Being brave doesn't mean that you're not terrified. I know you're terrified, even I am. But you're not letting it consume you or take you and that's what bravery is about. Standing up and admitting to yourself that even though you're shit-scared, you're not gonna let yourself be afraid of fear"

"Huh" That's all Cartman could unintelligibly say, it was the only small sound that managed to slip through his embarrassingly loud heartbeat.

Cartman's half-lidded eyes fell from Kyle's impassioned gaze and to his waiting lips and kissing them with every intention of telling Kyle he loved him. God, he fucking loved him, as pathetic as thinking about that made him feel, it was the only thing that felt right. Kyle whimpered in surprise and Cartman took that as an invitation to pry open his mouth with his tongue and kiss Kyle deeper. And while Cartman was trembling too much to touch him, Kyle was squeezing Eric's shoulder in a desperate attempt to hold on. The pleasantly surprised smirks slicing the exhilarating kiss.

"What was that for?" Kyle asked giddily, his face feeling warm. There was something about kissing in Eric's room that made him feel like a teenager again. It wasn't like a heady first kiss rush where everything seems to lose focus, but it was close enough. At least when Eric kissed him, he felt wanted and adored, as opposed to just another notch in an inexperienced belt.

"What, do I need to explain why I want to kiss my gorgeous boyfriend?" Eric teased, blushing at the very words coming out of his mouth. Finally feeling brave about something. And with shaking fingers, he tucked some of Kyle's curls behind his ear. His beginner's nervousness was still clear, what was supposed to be a passionate, craving touch felt more comforting and affectionate. But Kyle didn't mind that.

Kissing the corner of Eric's mouth, Kyle smirked "Sometimes it feels like you're a kitten trying to be a lion"

"Fuck you" Cartman hotly whispered, nuzzling into Kyle like he wanted to kiss him again. Suddenly, acting stoic didn't seem like a good idea anymore.

"It's not a bad thing" Kyle grinned, assuring him.

"But, seriously, when I listen to you talk like that, when you tell me that I'm brave and when you say things with such faith and passion, it gets to me. Not in a bad way, but the best possible way. In a way I've never felt before." Cartman begins to confess, swallowing harshly when he sees Kyle's eyes flicker, so painfully sincere, like he was only just discovering how much he'd taken a hold of him "It's like your words do something to me. _You _do something to me that makes me wanna kiss you and not stop until my lips have touched every inch of you"

Cartman was practically burning and his eyes fell to Kyle's lap because God knows what would've happened if he kept looking at his surprised, breath taken face.

Kyle bit his lip as he replayed Eric's words and they never lost their impact, they still managed to bloom in all the right places.

"Then why don't they?" Kyle whispered, sizzling, pulling Eric's mouth to his own before he could even think of a response.

And after Cartman made sure he had kissed Kyle all over, they made love for the second time that day.

* * *

Maybe it was the smell of pine and gasoline, maybe it was the way Eric held his hand as they walked down the quiet, abandoned streets or maybe it was that he had spent two hours in a single bed with an 18-year-old; but Kyle felt young again.

Which was ridiculous, he reminded himself, since he wasn't exactly old. But it felt good to be a 28-year-old teenager. It was like making your first footprint in virgin snow all over again; keeping the humid, teeming, inexperienced excitement, the terrifying exhilaration of testing the water of a big, grown up world that seems so promising and foreboding and only recalling the anxiety, the unknown and the expectations. A bad dream that Kyle was thankful he had woken up from.

They left Eric's bed when they both agreed a single bed was too warm and cramped for the both of them to stay in. So with their bodies still fatigued with shameless ecstasy, they managed to get dressed and - because Eric couldn't bear to stay in his house any longer - he offered to take Kyle to the place where he and Kenny usually hung out.

And as they stepped outside, Cartman had a rugby ball tucked neatly under his arm, while Kyle was merrily dribbling a basketball Cartman had managed to find in his garage.

It was a cold, damp walk to the basketball courts, the metallic smell of rain still hung in the murky skies. But Kyle enjoyed it nonetheless, he and Eric kept a leisurely pace, their fingers loosely linked and Kyle tried to fuel the conversation so Eric wouldn't become too withdrawn and weighed down with his thoughts.

But Eric soon perked up when they got to the basketball courts and he jovially announced to Kyle that he was going to teach him a couple of things about rugby.

Hearing Kyle's laugh, seeing his face flushed pink with the cold and embarrassment and watching his attempt at holding a rugby ball the correct way, made Cartman forget why they were here in the first place. The hideous chain of events that wrapped around Cartman's mind like a waiting noose seemed to loosen and not seem so frightening when his and Kyle's voices broke up the humdrum symphony of distant pick up trucks and spring birds.

He'd have to see his mom. He couldn't pretend this wasn't real, or that it would blow over if Cartman just closed his eyes and willed away the storm. But Kyle had to be there. He had to be there to pick Cartman up again and press him closely to his firm, safe body if things got rough.

After Kyle felt he had been embarrassed enough, he coolly suggested a game of one on one. And while Cartman hadn't played basketball since he was in elementary school and wasn't very good at it, he still agreed to play. After all, persevering with something you suck at is better than losing face.

But after Kyle effortlessly kicked his ass and continued to smugly remind Cartman of it, Cartman wasn't so sure if losing face was that bad of an idea.

When the sun began to set, the two found themselves on the swings. Watching the descending sun shine through the clouds, eclipsing the mountains and draining away their colors.

"Wow" Kyle whispered to himself, amazed at the shadows that yawned and stretched across the golden, glittering surfaces. Everything seemed to shimmer, no longer unimportant. And when he looked at Eric, the sun had draped itself over him too, every honeyed hue reflected in his face. "It's beautiful"

"Better than the view from your apartment roof?" Cartman asked.

"It's pretty close" Kyle nodded, before his voice became quiet and awestruck again. How hadn't he noticed this while he was living in Littleton? Because he was too focused in his own head. Too scared to breathe everything in and take a few seconds to appreciate things like silence and sunsets. "How could you not want to look at this everyday?"

"Beats me" Cartman shrugs, although when he and Kenny sat here, or at the abandoned picnic table, they were too busy smoking, complaining and goofing around to notice the beauty that was passing them by.

Kyle looked at Eric, praying that he wouldn't look back because sometimes it was nice to just watch him. Like when he took his eyes momentarily off the road just to stare at Eric gazing out the window and wondering what could he possibly be thinking about to make him so still, so contemplative. Or when he watched Eric shyly get dressed; as if he struggled to be anything but vulnerable in Kyle's arms. Although Kyle knew that was far from the truth. But watching him sleep, as corny and pathetic as it may sound, was Kyle's guiltiest pleasure. It started when they had only just met, after having sex for the first time and as they lay there, reeling in a heady mixture of shock and passion at what they just did, Eric fell asleep within minutes. At the time Kyle found it understandable and cute, and at the time, he didn't notice himself carefully watching Eric sleep. Back then, he told himself it was because he didn't want Eric to wake up and have no one to talk to, but now he realized it was because he couldn't possibly not want to look at Eric. He couldn't tear his eyes away from something so beautiful.

And last night again, he found himself unable to sleep. Too consumed with thoughts of Eric; some of sadness, some of worry, some of pity but most of all, infatuation. He was infatuated with Eric's story, his smile, the words he spoke, the things he thought and the emotions he exhibited. Kyle knew they all whispered one word to his heart, but Kyle was too afraid to admit it. Especially out loud. God, no matter how much time Kyle spent thinking about him, he still couldn't figure Eric out. It had been that way since the first Bud he saw Eric drink.

As much as Kyle hated to acknowledge it, Eric wasn't in the palm of his hands. If anything, he was perched on his fingertips. With the ability to fall and be lost to Kyle forever if he didn't play his cards right. But Kyle couldn't screw this up, he refused to screw this up otherwise he knew it would be the biggest mistake he could possibly make.

_How could you not want to look at this everyday? _Kyle thought, with only one thing on his mind. It almost made Kyle angry, how people had allowed Eric to feel so confused, isolated and unwanted. Unloved. How could anybody not want him? Not be there? But Kyle wanted him, Kyle would be there and he didn't know if that was enough for Eric, if _he _was enough for Eric, but Kyle knew he'd try his damn hardest to be. If Eric let him. And he sincerely hoped he would.

Clearing his throat, Kyle asked; "Eric?"

"Yeah?" Cartman answered, in way that was so unassuming that it made Kyle even more nervous.

"I know I talk a lot" Kyle began honestly, deciding to ignore the current expression on Eric's face; caught somewhere between concern and amusement "I say a lot of things. But I really hope you know what I'm trying to say, and how much I mean it"

"I do..." Cartman answered slowly, anxiety building up in his throat at hearing Kyle talk so seriously. And almost, dare he say it, nervously. Like for once Kyle was the one who felt totally clueless and in the presence of something so frighteningly new and wonderful.

"You do?" Kyle asked, practically whimpered. He was cast in a golden shadow, his red hair falling in rich curls over his shy, lilting eyes. And although it didn't make Cartman's anxiety completely evaporate, he couldn't help but smirk and melt at Kyle's shyness. There was something so unmistakably beautiful about seeing Kyle so fragile.

"Sure" Cartman nodded, speaking softly. God, how he wanted to pull Kyle closer. Although this tempting distance was nice...

"I realize now, that I've felt this way since the moment I met you" Kyle continued, the chain of the swing set creaked slightly, as Kyle dug his heels into the dirt and pushed himself forward. "Because I knew you were worth it and that you're everything I want, you're incredible"

Somehow the rocking of the swing calmed his nerves. God, he felt like a kid confessing his feelings to his elementary school crush. Maybe afterwards he and Eric could make each other daisy chains and draw their initials in the slushy snow, Kyle blushed and smirked to himself at the thought.

"Well, I didn't know that..." Cartman admitted, thankful that Kyle couldn't detect the bristling, palpable heat that stung his body all over and hear the fireworks and swoons practically pouring off his heart, making his chest hurt and tugging the corner of his mouth into a delighted smile.

"But you know that I..." Kyle began, before swallowing the pulsing block of fear that had risen in his throat, but that somehow filled his veins with the courage to say "That I love you?"

Pursing his lips together to contain a, surely undignified, noise of joy and the urge to leap off the swings and scoop Kyle up in his arms, Cartman shook his head. _He loves me too._

"Oh" Kyle whispered, barely mouthing the vowel. And the way he stared into his lap and struggled to find his words only made Cartman want to kiss him more.

Setting his mouth into a defiant line and feeling the words gather in his lungs, aching to be spoken, Kyle cleared his throat and confessed vehemently "Well I do. I'm insanely, overwhelmingly in love with you, Eric"

Cartman opened his mouth like he was about to say something; but then he realized he didn't want to. He couldn't. Anything he could say would've ruined a moment that only somebody like Kyle could've crafted so wonderfully. He wondered how many people were lucky enough to have a writer tell them that they're in love with them.

Kyle swallowed at Eric's pause, laughing nervously under his breath as the need for Eric to respond was becoming an unbearable itch. Kyle imagined that either Eric was ready to leap off his fingertips and leave Kyle with just a few weeks worth of amazing, infinite memories or if he was one step closer to the palm of his hand.

"And you... Do you love me?" Kyle asked, trembling. He hated himself for asking it, it felt so callous and it tasted wrong in his mouth.

Cartman nodded at the mountains, before his gaze finally landed on Kyle, eliciting a broken, quiet sigh of relief that made Kyle cringe at himself.

"Say it" Kyle demanded, his voice wavering with a ragged, heady need that made both of their jeans tighten. Kyle's incisor skidded across his lip as he blushed hotly and whispered "Please..."

"I love you" Cartman replied, unable to control his smile. His shaking hand reached out for Kyle's and his green eyes seemed to brighten with shock when their fingers were intertwined, which only made Cartman's smile grow.

"We love each other" Cartman nodded, while Kyle smirked and squeezed his hand tighter. At a time when everything felt so uneven, Kyle was the only predictable thing. God knows he needed that.

Yes, the sunset was beautiful. But with the L Word still freshly spoken between them, all Eric and Kyle wanted to look at, was each other.

Who needed this volatile world when they could have their own? In an abandoned basketball court with the night fast approaching.

* * *

The next week was spent in a routine that was new territory for both Cartman and Kyle, and both of them were mildly startled at how comfortable and easy slipping into said routine was.

Kyle would always wake up before Eric, even if he stayed in bed an extra hour and a half trying to pull himself away from staring at his boyfriend. Boyfriend. Kyle loved the way Eric and 'boyfriend' complimented each other, such a pretty match.

Cartman would sleep in, taking full advantage of taking time off school. Which meant Kyle really didn't notice a difference in his apartment until about 12:30, at which time Eric would lazily stroll out of the bedroom, wearing boxers and a t-shirt that was crumpled up on the floor from the previous night.

Kyle would already be showered and dressed, with freshly made coffee and a deadline to meet. Although sometimes he would take a break and watch TV with Eric, whilst making notes on his laptop on the long-awaited inspiration he had encountered and who was eating fruit-loops and watching Terrance and Philip reruns on his couch. Eric would sometimes look up from his cereal and ask what Kyle was doing, but Kyle always dismissed it as nothing and told Eric to go back to what he was doing (which was basically nothing).

The evenings were spent either at the 24-hour diner around the corner from Kyle's apartment - where the two of them would talk and laugh until they were the last ones there - or at home; with Kyle trying to cook dinner and feigning annoyance at Eric's attempts to distract him. Oh, and there was the night that Stan and Gary came over, but that's another story...

Having Eric staying at his place, made Kyle discover another perk of technically living by himself. Being able to have sex wherever and whenever he wanted. And when the both of them realized this, they found it difficult to keep their hands off each other. Not like they were complaining. Especially since, during their gentler, more sensual trysts, confessions of love were usually laced in lusty moans and cries, which made sex even better.

And if it wasn't for the hospital trips and the hurt that went along with it, Cartman would've secretly admitted - as Kyle held him and kissed his shoulders after another countless round of lovemaking, or when his throat was sore from laughing too much at that crappy little diner - that this was the best week of his life. Still, seeing his mother became less of a terrifying and difficult experience when he reached his fourth trip. At least by then she was trying to sit upright in her bed, attempting to smile and actually conversing (albeit in a hoarse, little voice that Cartman desperately felt like grabbing so it wouldn't be lost forever)

That feeling, that anxious, paranoid feeling was gonna last a while, he guessed. Wanting to fiercely protect her, regardless of Nebraska, regardless of his ambivalence, and never let her go again, so she would never have to be lost.

Cartman and Kyle's first visit to the hospital was the day after they came home from South Park. As they lay in bed on, what Cartman referred to as, their 'first official night together' he promised Kyle and himself that he would visit his mom the next day.

And even though Kyle was stressing over the proper etiquette and what Eric wanted of him during his visit, and although Cartman couldn't erase the disturbing image of his mother, either covered in blood or swathed in bandages and half-dead already, or the way she sobbed as he waved goodbye to her before Nebraska and how it made him want to cry too, Kyle refused to spend the entire car journey in silence, so he turned on the radio and hoped Eric could sing better than he could. And it turns out, his voice wasn't half bad.

However, those minutes of goofiness and escapism that Cartman came to expect from Kyle when he was trying to cheer him up, all seemed to vanish when the hospital came into view.

Kyle stayed outside Lianne's room during the first visit. Eric told him it was because he didn't want Kyle to see him get worked up and upset, but as Kyle couldn't help but listen to the aching, excruciating silence as Eric lost his words and his mom was still too drugged up and drained to speak, Kyle saw through Eric's excuse. He wanted to be in the room alone because he wanted to cruelly remind himself of the fact that he was all his mother had and so he should be the first person who walks through that door to support her. Although Eric was unsure how to. If he even could, at this point. How poetic, Kyle thought sadly, and when he peaked through the small, glass window and saw Eric sitting so hopefully close to her bed, his fingers hesitating over hers, Kyle's vision couldn't help but grow misty.

As expected, back at the apartment, Eric sobbed and squirmed angrily in Kyle's embrace, almost as if he hated how he had broken down. But Kyle sat with him on the couch, kissing and murmuring into his hair and rocking him like a baby until all there was left for Eric to do was to cry quietly into Kyle's shoulder and squeeze him tightly in appreciation. Kyle couldn't shake off how overdue these tears were, how they traced back to Nebraska and every minute before it. That storm inside Eric, that made him so fascinating and attractive to Kyle in the first place, was playing out in Kyle's living room and both of them were braving it.

After Eric swore he was done crying, Kyle decided to take him down to the diner to indulge in delicious, greasy food. At the end of the night, when the witching hour had cackled by and Kyle and Eric were the only remaining customers, Eric quietly stated to the salt shaker "I'm going back tomorrow" and Kyle nodded in agreement, blushing at the surge of pride he felt for the boy sitting across the table.

Kyle dutifully waited outside Lianne's room, charting every day. On the second day, his heart broke at hearing Eric talking to himself and asking all the painful questions that his mother would never answer; awake or not. The third day, his heart leapt into his throat as he heard a parched, female voice speak back, saying one name. Two sweet syllables that loved to dance on Kyle's tongue: _Eric. _And he smiled tearfully at Eric's wet, trembling voice that silently throbbed with relief. On the fourth day, Kyle found himself smiling at the conversation he could overhear; and while Eric's defenses were higher than ever and his mom's voice was still dangerously brittle, Kyle figured it was a start.

But on the fifth day, Eric grabbed Kyle's hand before they could slip into their usual paradigm and warmly commanded that Kyle come in the room with him. He pulled him in before Kyle could object, and God, he had never been so nervous to 'meet the parents'.

Kyle couldn't control the gasp that slipped through his quivering mouth at seeing Lianne. Damaged, yes, but getting there. But certainly not the unnerving image Kyle remembered from the last time he saw her in this hospital bed. Color was lightly dabbed into her cheeks, her weak, struggling vitality still very clinical but Kyle could see Eric in her features clearer than ever.

"Who's this, poopsikins?" Lianne asked, her voice dry. But while Eric blushed adorably, Kyle smirked at the pet name. He'd so have to ask Eric about that later...

"Mom, this is Kahl" Cartman explained, before Kyle could "He's a very important person to me"

Now it was Kyle's turn to blush, as they sat down he turned to Eric with fondness in his smile and sudden surprise in his eyes. But Eric wasn't looking back, he was still reeling and fidgeting at the heady anxiety he felt at just admitting that to his mother. They never talked about stuff like that, ever, but Eric was starting to think that perhaps they should. As difficult as that may be.

His hand instead rested on Kyle's knee, rubbing it with the palm of his hand and resisting the ever so tempting desire to run it up Kyle's thigh, the apartment trysts they had been so often having unwillingly springing to mind.

"Oh" Lianne whispered, her heart started to thud at Eric's words. Like they were everything she had wanted to try and rebuild after Nebraska, like they were everything she had foolishly let slip past her. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Kyle" Lianne grinned, extending her skinny wrist, shaking with the weight of her pristine bandages. It made an unwanted shiver go down Kyle's spine at the thought of what was under those things and Eric's expression at seeing so much destruction. It pained him.

Still, Kyle shook her hand and smiled quietly to himself at how warm her hand felt. "It's nice to meet you too, Miss Cartman. Your son-" Kyle paused then, turning to Eric and exhaling thoughtfully.

"He's a wonderful young man" Kyle nodded, the honesty of his words piercing Eric in a way that made his heart float "You should be proud"

"I am" Lianne smiled distantly and Kyle guessed Eric inherited his deep, elusive eyes from her "So, are you the mystery friend Eric's been staying with?"

"Mom..." Eric muttered, his face becoming unbearably warm and he kicked Kyle's ankle when he heard his soft snickers.

"That's right" Kyle grinned.

"And I'm sure you're taken good care of him-"

"I'm eighteen, mom" Eric reminded her, folding his arms and looking like a big kid. "He isn't my fucking babysitter"

"Language, Eric" Lianne lacklusterly reminded him, like she was fed up of having to spout that phrase. And while Eric's blush grew deeper, Kyle bit the inside of his mouth to control his awkward laughter.

"Well, I hope I'm taking care of him" Kyle replied sheepishly, smirking uncontrollably, turning to Eric and saying "Honestly, he's no trouble at all, we get along great, don't we?"

Cartman could feel himself flinch, something telling him that this could be the perfect opportunity to tell his mom everything about him and Kyle, that they were in a relationship, that he was in love with him, that Kyle was ten years older (since he figured that was something mothers wanted to be aware of), but then he felt himself relax at the way Kyle was looking at him. With patience and an understanding that Cartman damn well knew he'd been missing. And he realized that all that stuff could wait, because he was here, wasn't he? And that was enough, perfectly enough, for now.

"Yeah. We do" Cartman agreed softly, his fingers trailing along the uncomfortable, plastic chair Kyle was sitting on, skimming his thigh. "He- _we _care a lot about each other."

And even though they couldn't have made their feelings more obvious if they tried, it still didn't stop Kyle from holding Eric's hand and squeezing it tightly.

* * *

**A/N:** _So, they finally admitted it! Yay!__  
_

_Also, when I was writing the part where Kyle is in Cartman's room, I was listening to In Your Room- Halestorm, and if you know the song already, you may have noticed the not so subtle reference. _


	7. Chapter 7

Stan and Gary were due to arrive in half an hour and what was Kyle doing? Falling for Eric's ever-increasing skills of seduction.

Although he could think of worst distractions than being pinned, with Eric's big arms either side of him, as chaste pecks descended into deep, slow French kisses, and every time they paused, Kyle was met with a darkened, hungry gaze and his lower lip still caught in Eric's teeth. If they kept this up, Kyle was sure they'd melt and Stan and Gary would arrive to a silent apartment and no dinner on the table.

"Eric, come on" Kyle tried to whine, but his words came out breathless and unintentionally wanton. Still, he reached out greedily for another kiss, Eric's tongue finding its way into Kyle's mouth. "I have to get dinner ready..."

Cartman grumbled, nuzzling into Kyle before reasoning "But why do you have to make dinner when you can stay in bed and fuck me?" And while Cartman felt himself blush sordidly, Kyle gasped and brushed his lips teasingly against Eric's.

"While that is tempting" Kyle smirked "Stan and Gary have been bugging me to introduce you and this is the perfect opportunity. Don't you wanna meet them?"

Eric sat up then, finally freeing Kyle from his grip. But while Kyle had tried to wrestle his way out of this embrace for the best part of half an hour, now he was intrigued with Eric's silence.

"Well..." Cartman began awkwardly, rubbing the back of his burning neck "It's not that I don't wanna meet them, it's just-"

"Are you nervous?" Kyle asks, a playful tilt to his voice as he stares hazily into Eric's eyes, still glowing darkly with arousal, before kissing the tip of his nose.

"No" Cartman quietly replies, his voice husky as he pulls Kyle closer and submits to the kisses that have started to travel down his neck "I just... I like it being the two of us. With everything that's going on, you feel like the only thing that's right and stable and it's all so perfect. Being alone with you. I don't wanna lose that, even for a night"

Kyle sighed then, with the kind of mature, grown-up wisdom that Cartman could never imagine himself owning. His eyes seemed to glimmer with a child-like, pleading look, wondering if Kyle's relaxed, thoughtful smile is in defeat. But Cartman doesn't really care. Because he can feel Kyle's warm breath tingle against his lips, their foreheads are pressed together and Kyle is only looking at him.

"I don't wanna lose that either" Kyle softly admits, wrapping his arms around Eric's neck and squeezing him protectively. "But I seriously doubt that Stan and Gary are gonna make it all come undone, right?"

Cartman rolled his eyes and grinned in defeat, staring at Kyle's lips as he begrudgingly replies "I guess not"

"Exactly" Kyle smirks.

* * *

Thankfully, Stan and Gary had arrived just as Kyle set the last impeccably polished fork on the table. This type of synchronization wasn't uncommon in their friendship, but Kyle never thought it would remain so strong when Stan moved out.

But while Kyle had been bristling with hardly contagious excitement all evening, effortlessly ensuring that everything was running smoothly, Cartman chose to linger anxiously. He silently fretted over what he was wearing, what he was going to say, Hell, even how he chewed his food. Of course, he didn't let Kyle know that. His anxiety had peaked to hostile levels and every bone of concern Kyle threw him, Cartman was happy to leave untouched, often turning away from Kyle coldly or snapping at him testily. Infuriatingly, Cartman thought, Kyle didn't retaliate. For all the satisfaction Kyle gave him, it was certainly in low supply tonight.

"Do you ever get annoyed by me?" Cartman had asked as Kyle was cooking, not really expecting an answer. He was too busy pouting.

"Sometimes" Kyle answered honestly, shrugging before sliding his arms around Eric's neck and kissing his forehead. Kyle nuzzled into Eric's soft chestnut hair and murmured lovingly "But it pales in comparison to all the other wonderful things I feel about you. Which is kind of annoying in itself"

So while Kyle rushed to the door to greet Stan and Gary, Cartman shot up from the armchair (the seat he had claimed in a state of temporary 'dibs'), but lingered as he smoothed down his clothes.

Stan and Gary had entered, or intruded as Cartman felt, the apartment in a flurry of relaxed excitement before Cartman could even register what was happening. Was the dark-haired guy Stan? Cartman thought, trying not to stare too weirdly. The way he looked next to Kyle, Cartman had this strange, gut feeling that it could only be Stan, because it looked so right. Unreachably familiar. And then he wondered whether Kyle looked better next to Stan than he did next to him, Cartman blushed and stared at his shoes before he could further entertain the thought of the drunken, college hook up that was the catalyst for Stan and Kyle's friendship in the first place. If Cartman was correct about Stan, then that meant the blond guy with the huge smile and glistening white teeth must be Gary. The ex-Mormon. It all kinda made sense to Cartman now. Still, that didn't mean he felt less intimidated by these people.

"Eric, come over here!" Kyle laughed, his hand limply extended reassuringly and when Cartman came to him, he couldn't help but take that warm, familiar hand with his own.

"Eric, this is Stan and Gary" Kyle beamed, watching as Eric's brilliant golden eyes focused on his friends. "Stan and Gary, this is, well, Eric"

Cartman burned, biting the inside of his mouth to contain a goofy smile at hearing Kyle say his name like that. Brimming with tenderness, reminding Eric that Kyle would never hurt him.

"So you're the prom king, huh?" A confident, abrasive voice made Eric jolt. Usually he was the one who addressed strangers bluntly, not the other way around.

"No, I, uh-" Cartman tried to say, but wished he hadn't bothered.

"Ignore him. He thinks he's funny" A softer voice, laced with exasperation and sympathy saved Cartman. Although he was too stubborn to acknowledge it "Hi, Eric, I'm Stan"

The introduction was followed by a friendly hand extended for Cartman to shake and when he looked up, Cartman saw it was the hand of Kyle's dark-haired friend. So he was right. Cartman couldn't help but relax at seeing Stan's comfortable, reassuring smile, its crooked nature making him seem like a fractured character, while his wide, cobalt eyes seemed as telling as they were voyeuristic. Still, Cartman couldn't let himself take a liking to Stan just yet.

"It's nice to meet you" Cartman nodded, shaking Stan's hand and feeling comforted by its firmness, before he hastily pulled away.

"And I'm Gary" The blond guy smiled, his voice oozing with warm, eager friendship.

"Hi" Cartman whispered, shaking his hand too and in Gary's self-assured, charismatic presence, he felt himself wilt into a wallflower.

"We've heard so much about you" Stan grinned, in a way that made Cartman immediately turn his attention back to him. However, Stan's eyes were trained knowingly on Kyle, who squeezed Eric's hand tightly.

* * *

Cartman was half-way through his first bottle of Bud when the dinner table topic turned to what he had dreaded all night;

"So, Eric, tell us a bit about yourself!" Gary beamed, punctuating what he thought was a well-meaning gesture, but to Cartman was merely a death sentence, with a bite of his medium-rare steak.

"I thought Kahl had told you enough already" Cartman answered, talking to his beloved bottle and cringing at the slimy condensation coalescing with the dampness of his palm. Just when he thought he could just eat his steak in peace and listen to the conversation around him than actually contribute.

Cartman honestly believed that Stan and Gary were nice people, but that didn't mean he should act like an idiot and let his guard down. Meeting new people wasn't something Cartman handled very well. Even when he met Kyle he was excruciatingly nervous, but at least his first exchange with Kyle was colored with fervid attraction. Which took some of the pressure off, he supposed.

"True" Gary nodded, before letting his lime green eyes meet Kyle knowingly "But all we've heard is Kyle wax lyrical about how much he adores you, how you're like nobody he's ever met before and how fantastic of a lover you are-"

"Really?" Cartman smirked, his shoulders sighing with a welcomed mix of relief and arrogance. Although it did kind of wilt when Cartman thought that when it came to sex, Kyle practically did all the work. Still, Cartman reminded himself of Kyle's wanton begs for his mouth and how he could make Kyle crazily come undone .

When Cartman turned to Kyle, his face was flushed an adorable shade of red, and coupled with his scarlet curls, the different hues set his features alight "Well, why wouldn't I? It's the truth. At least to me it is." Kyle shrugs, biting his lip and Cartman was sure that his emerald eyes were on the verge of hazing over with lust.

"Uh, well, it wasn't just that" Stan coughed into his fist, trying to dismiss his boyfriend's unfiltered comments, glaring at Gary as if he were a petulant child. "He also told us you play Rugby..."

"Yeah, that's right." Cartman nodded, feeling brave enough to meet Stan's comfortable eyes. The knot of anxiety in his chest loosening.

"I suppose Kyle didn't tell you that I'm a fan of Rugby?" Stan asked, holding his bottle of Bud with an experienced, almost bored, ease.

"No, I didn't because this is the first I've heard of your love for the sport!" Kyle answered incredulously before Eric could.

"Or maybe you haven't been paying enough attention for the last ten years" Stan pointed out, grinning while keeping his cool, joking eyes on Kyle.

Kyle rolled his eyes before scowling at Stan mockingly and replying "Stan, I happen to have a very good memory and I don't ever recall you ever discussing rugby with me in the history of our friendship."

"I didn't discuss it with you because, with the exception of basketball, you're not a big sports guy."

"Good point" Kyle nods, before returning to his argument "But, still, how the Hell was I supposed to know that you like Rugby?"

"I dunno." Stan shrugs "I'm a big sports fan in general, so my love for Rugby should've been implied."

Kyle scoffed in derision before rolling his eyes and saying indignantly "What the fuck ever. Gary, did you know he likes Rugby?"

Gary didn't even look up from his steak as he sighed "ESPN is on a lot in our place and I've seen him watching some sport that looks similar to Rugby." It seemed as though Gary was always caught in the middle of Stan and Kyle's playground quarrels and, judging by his evident exasperation, they seemed to happen a lot. Cartman couldn't help but smirk at that.

"That's because it was Rugby" Stan answered, before turning his attention back to Cartman. "Anyway, Eric, what position do you play?"

"Prop" Cartman replied, dipping the piece of steak that clung to his fork in the thin, tasty blood on the plate.

Stan nodded and smirked "Figures, you look about right."

"What does a Prop do?" Gary asked "Is it a Quarterback type deal?"

"Um, no. A Quarterback would be more like an Outside Half, if anything" Cartman answered before swallowing nervously "But a Prop has to push against the other Props on the opposing team. My job is to keep stability in the scrum, and make sure the Hooker on my team gets the ball quickly."

"Well, you have the shoulders for the job, that's all I can say." Stan complimented.

"Oh, thanks... " Cartman couldn't help but blush. He had always hated his shoulders, along with his hands (paws, Kenny had called them once) and feet, he felt they were too big. The only people who had said anything nice about his shoulders were his Rugby coach (the word he used was 'forceful') and Kyle, who loved clinging to them when they kissed. "I think they make up for my lack of speed. I mean, my coach says I have quick hands, but that's not really enough to score tries."

"Have you ever scored a try?" Stan asked.

Cartman nodded, his throat suddenly feeling dry at the words that had decided they were confident enough to rush out of his mouth.

"Do you know how many?"

"I can't remember..."

"How long have you been playing?"

"Two years"

"Your job sounds kinda dangerous." Gary remarked, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.

Cartman laughed anxiously before nodding "It can be"

"Have you ever had any injuries?" Gary asked.

"I've broken a couple of fingers, dislocated my shoulder, had a lot of concussions." Cartman replied, listing off his injuries matter of factly, he could almost feel Kyle's worry tentatively piercing him. So much so, that he turned to Kyle and reassured him "But nothing too serious."

The both of them exchanged warm, goofy smiles before Cartman turned back to Stan and Gary and continued "Like, some people, at a professional level, I guess, have broken their necks and stuff."

Stan and Gary both nodded, while Gary added "I'm not surprised, it sounds pretty brutal."

"We'll have to come and watch you play sometime" Stan suggested, waiting for a nod of approval from either Kyle or Eric "The only Rugby games I've watched are on TV."

"Sure" Cartman nodded, the absence of uneasiness in his answer was noticeable and it shocked him a bit. "Kahl's watched me before, so..."

"Do you play any other sports?" Stan asked, before smirking "I think you'd make an excellent football player."

"No, I don't." Cartman answered, wondering exactly how he had become so comfortable with this otherwise unnerving focus being on him. "Football isn't really my thing. I like the NFL, but I'm not really into college football and I'm certainly not into my high school football team."

"So we won't be going to a Buffaloes game anytime soon, then?" Kyle teased.

"Sorry" Cartman smirked sarcastically, staring at Kyle's mouth with affectionate, half-lidded eyes.

Stan shook his head "Screw the Buffaloes, man-"

"Says the man with a Buffaloes sweatshirt in his wardrobe..." Kyle interrupted.

"Too right, Kyle." Gary joined in, grinning at him before turning to Stan and shaking his head with faux disappointment "Blasphemy, Stanley, I never..."

Stan raised his hands weakly in mock defense and continued "Sorry, I take that back. What I meant was, that maybe the Broncos could be calling in the not so distant future. "

Cartman laughed and shook his head, an unwanted blush rising from behind his ears "When I was a little kid, I would've done anything to answer that call but, now? Not so much"

"I know what you mean." Stan agreed, before sighing wistfully, gliding his fork silently across his half-emptied plate "I lived and breathed the Broncos when I was a kid. You could've cut me open and I would've bled navy and orange."

"A kid?" Kyle laughed in disbelief, shaking his head "Please, you were like that in college too."

"Hey! If I remember rightly, there was a Denver Nuggets poster right next to my Broncos one? See, I also happen to have a terrific memory too." Stan retorted triumphantly.

"Yeah, but there's a slight difference between the Nuggets and the Broncos..." Kyle pointed out, cutting up his steak.

"Oh, and what's that?" Stan laughed.

"The Nuggets fucking rule." Kyle answered, ignoring Stan's glare which eventually crumbled into exasperated laughter.

"Simmer down, boys" Gary grinned, nowhere near as lost as Cartman. "So, Eric, this is your senior year, right?"

Cartman nodded, prickling as everyone's attention seemed to turn back to him.

"Any thoughts on what you're gonna do in the Fall?" Gary asked, the question innocent enough.

"Like what?" Cartman asked, the hostility unwillingly creeping back into his voice.

"I dunno." Gary replied "Get a job? Go to college? Have you applied anywhere?"

Cartman turned back to Kyle, the faintest touch of guilt painted across his features and he hoped Kyle couldn't detect it. Or if he did, think anything of it. Cartman swallowed, aware of how long he was taking to answer a simple question and it made a panicked sheen of cold sweat ripple along his skin "NYU, Dayton and the Rocky Mountain College of Art and Design."

He almost had to bite back a sigh of relief when the answer left his mouth.

"Well, with the exception of the latter, I'm guessing you're feeling a tad claustrophobic back home?" Stan smiled.

Cartman nodded and rolled his eyes. Even though 'claustrophobic' wasn't exactly the right word, the sentiment was still the same; a burning, maddening desire to get the Hell out of his hometown. "You have no idea..."

"And NYU?" Gary asked approvingly "Sounds impressive"

Cartman fidgeted before replying "I think it's the distance that makes it so appealing. Whether I'd fit in, or even if my GPA would allow it, is another matter."

"Wait, art and design?" Kyle's soft voice, crisp with delighted surprise and intrigue, allowed a faint thrum of excitement to reverberate through Cartman. It was so close to him, perfectly twinned with Kyle's warm hand teasing his shoulder.

Cartman pursed his lips together to control his amused smile at seeing Kyle's bright, excited eyes filled with that unbridled passion. So wonderfully and intrinsically Kyle.

"For what?" Kyle asked excitedly.

"Photography" Cartman answered, addressing everyone.

"You're into that?" Stan asked, a keen if interest in his voice.

Avoiding eye contact, Cartman sheepishly replied "I love it"

"So that explains the camera in your room..." Kyle whispered quietly, his voice so distant and preoccupied with the realisation that he didn't think Eric would hear him.

"Very incisive" Cartman murmured teasingly into Kyle's ear, relishing in his secretive blush. His voice was velvety and husky, like he had forgotten Stan and Gary were here.

Kyle rolled his eyes but dared to trail his hand up Eric's thigh.

"But I haven't taken any photographs in a while." Cartman begins, trying to compose himself, although Kyle's fingers were making him sensitive "What, with school and Rugby and everything, so I wanna get back into it in the summer. If not for fun, then for college. I need to build up my portfolio."

"Do you take classes in school?" Gary asked.

"No, my school doesn't have any. And I think the colleges I've applied to are sympathetic to that. I mean, you obviously have to have some type of experience, but it doesn't necessarily have to be something you've learned in school."

"What are you studying, anyway?" Stan asked.

"History, English, Science and Math."

"Do you enjoy them?"

"Science is okay, I guess. Sometimes, it can be boring. Math I hate but History and English I enjoy. Maybe English a bit more than History, lately."

"What are you reading in English?"

"Hamlet. But we've finished it now. "

"Cool" Stan grinned "Have you read The Tempest?"

"No" Cartman shook his head.

Stan nodded before saying "The Tempest is an amazing play. My second favorite Shakespeare play after The Taming Of The Shrew"

"So I'm guessing you like Comedies?" Cartman smirked.

"Yeah" Stan laughed under his breath "Give me a Comedy over a Tragedy any day."

"You studied English?"

"It was my minor in college." Stan replied, before turning to Kyle and smiling gratefully "I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for Kyle."

Kyle chuckled and rolled his eyes "Oh God, do you remember how late we stayed up so you would pass? What texts were you doing again?"

"I have no fucking idea, I think I blocked it from my memory" Stan laughed, furrowing his eyebrows in thought "I recall reading The Grapes of Wrath?"

"Sounds about right." Kyle nodded "One of the books I had to read for my major was The Divine Comedy."

"Now, that's a comedy I wouldn't want to read" Stan muttered.

"I barely understood the damn thing." Kyle confessed, shrugging helplessly.

"That's Dante, right?" Gary asked "As in Dante's Inferno?"

"You got it" Stan nodded.

"I remember being so bummed out that we didn't read Beowulf." Kyle sighed disappointedly.

"Why?" Cartman asked.

"Because" Kyle began to explain "In Annie Hall, Diane Keaton is looking through this college catalog, trying to find an English course, and Woody Allen says-"

"Just don't take anything where they make you read Beowulf." Stan, Kyle and Gary said in unison.

"Exactly..." Kyle muttered, glaring at Stan and Gary while they laughed.

Chuckling a little bit too, Cartman said "Okay, I'll be seriously disappointed if you didn't minor in film studies or some shit..."

"As a matter of fact I did" Kyle beamed proudly.

"How do you think he became such an insufferable little film geek in the first place?" Stan laughed.

"I'll have you know that I've always loved movies." Kyle retorted, pointing his fork at Stan to further his point "College just brought out the worst aspects of my obsession."

* * *

This wasn't the first time Cartman felt like he could literally melt into the bed after sex with Kyle, but with his legs trembling and his cock aching gently from three orgasms, now the idea didn't seem so absurd.

He was surprised his hot, glistening skin didn't sizzle when Kyle's tongue softly ran up his back, his flagging erection still inside Cartman and he could feel it throb and twitch sporadically from the aftermath of his climax.

Still, Cartman moaned quietly at the moist, quivering sensation, tracing his spine. His breathing coming in humid, labored shards when he turned his head and, through the veil of his drenched hair that skimmed his eyebrows, saw Kyle tasting his skin, his features still colored with lust.

Kyle smirked when he saw Eric staring at him, his golden irises always seemed so sickly captivating after sex. It was almost like he couldn't believe he was letting himself be touched, kissed and fucked. After countless trysts and hours in this very bed, even with the experience gained and fear somewhat expelled, Eric's eyes had seized that boyish, euphoric disbelief of experiencing such intimate pleasure for the first time.

Just when Kyle didn't think Eric could get anymore gorgeous.

Their gazes were held long enough for Eric to blush and try to avert his eyes, but to no avail. Kyle wasn't going to let that happen.

Eric felt a confident, loving hand in his hair, pulling it back from his brow, and a chaste peck on the peak of his jaw. He purred approvingly, while Kyle bit his lip and nuzzled into his hair. Inhaling the sultry smell of sex and sweat that suited Eric so well, and with his cock still inside him, Kyle had the urge to want to drown in this boy and inhale him entirely.

Cartman was the one who initiated the clumsy kiss, their lips slipping over each other in a way that was sloppily arousing. Kyle's nose against Cartman's upper lip, while Kyle found himself sucking the lower one. Still so plump and kiss-swollen.

"Good?" Kyle asked thoughtlessly, smiling against Eric's lips.

Cartman nodded before whispering wetly "Amazing"

Kyle gladly swallowed the word, their kisses starting to have more of a structure when their tongues became involved. Their already hot, damp bodies becoming hotter and Cartman could feel a quiet vein of arousal awaken in his cock.

Kyle groaned when Eric's hand found its way into his hair, grabbing a fistful and allowing the kiss to deepen. Cartman wanted to moan when Kyle's tongue started to fuck his mouth, finding an irreplaceable and sordid pleasure in submitting to Kyle this way. Instead, he arched his back and felt more of Kyle's stiffening cock and a playful hand smacking his ass.

After a few more minutes of kissing, Cartman pulled Kyle on top of him and relaxed when Kyle peppered kisses all over his satisfied, exhausted face.

"Did you have a good time tonight?" Kyle asked, kissing the tip of Eric's nose before mouthing at his cheek.

Cartman nodded moonily into the comforting warmth of Kyle's shoulder, kissing his neck.

"Stan and Gary really like you" Kyle smiled, his voice oozing with triumphant glee.

"They did?" Cartman asked, cringing at the relief that briefly sprinted through his chest. Honestly, as soon as they left and Kyle started kissing him, Cartman could've forgotten they were here in the first place.

"Yep" Kyle beamed, tugging at Eric's earlobe between his teeth and adding huskily "Fuck, by the end of it all, I couldn't wait for them to leave and get you into bed."

"I noticed" Cartman snickered, their eyes meeting. Arousal stirring in his groin at how wanton and aggressive Kyle was with his kisses and touches, and how Kyle could still feel such overwhelming attraction towards him.

"You didn't disappoint" Kyle grinned, kissing Eric's chin. He pressed him closer, even closer than they already were and murmured wickedly "The second time you came I thought you were gonna scream"

"I almost did" Cartman admitted, smugly reveling in the sensual fire in Kyle's eyes.

As Cartman stared up at the ceiling, his hand rhythmically trailing up and down Kyle's back while Kyle was nipping and sucking at his neck, he couldn't help but fervidly recall that wonderful afternoon at the park. On a day where everything felt so daunting, unsure and terrifyingly uneasy, with that simple confession and Kyle's hand in his, Cartman now started to think of that day so fondly. Even if the idea of Kyle witnessing his usual lonely, isolated self in South Park and the frightening reality of what it felt like outside of Kyle's apartment, his bed, his embrace was enough to set off a panic attack.

"Why do you love me?" The words out of his mouth before he could even stop them, his heart thudding angrily behind his eyes. Still, Cartman took comfort in the fact that even though Kyle's kisses had stopped, his body never faltered in its calming, assured retention.

"Why do I love you?" Kyle asked, his eyebrows furrowed softly, meeting Eric's eyes and running a hand through his hair. It pained Kyle to see Eric looking so nervous, or doubting himself this way.

"Yeah" Cartman muttered, blushing terribly and wishing he never asked.

"Hmm" Kyle pondered, cupping the side of Eric's face and nuzzling into his forehead in thought "Honestly, that's tough. To me, love isn't conditional. Or subjective, you know? It's just this powerful, unstoppable, addictive force that hits you out of nowhere and refuses to leave. Which is great, because, I don't wanna let it go"

"Me neither" Cartman whispered, because he felt that Kyle should know that every word he spoke was so palpably real.

"Your heart's beating like crazy" Kyle realized, staring down into Eric's eyes and letting that pounding heart beat against his palm.

"It's your fault, asshole" Cartman blushed, his eyes reaching Kyle's and the both of them just listened. Listened to the winged, alive beat.

"But if I had to give any reasons" Kyle began, kissing Eric's hair "I guess it would have to be because you're strong. I know you don't think it, but you are. I can't even begin to imagine what you must have felt like growing up, and the thought of you so hurt and scared, rips my fucking heart apart, but you're still here. You may think that you're broken and done and that you've lost something, but I see this passion that you have, and this determination that's so fucking admirable, Eric. And so worth falling head over heels for, like I have."

Cartman couldn't say anything. Couldn't bare to keep looking in Kyle's eyes because he would've cried again. But he let Kyle hold him and felt his heart race faster, impossibly loud.

"And you're beautiful" Kyle continued, his voice laced with unmistakable passion that Cartman loved being associated with. He really fucking did. "So fucking gorgeous" Kyle grinned, squeezing Eric's thigh and he wondered sadly if anybody had ever told him he was beautiful before and how missed of an opportunity that was "Sometimes it's so hard for me to not kiss your lips or keep my hands off you" And when he heard Eric laugh so adorably, he kissed his perfect, plump lips.

"But it's not just that" Kyle continued tenderly, staring into Eric's eyes and thumbing at his cheekbone "It's a rare thing, being genuinely beautiful. But I see it in you. So much. You're not perfect, but to me, you couldn't be more perfect, you know?"

"I think so" Cartman nodded, gently brushing Kyle's jaw with his fingers. He was pretty sure he was swooning right now.

"You're different. That's why I love you" Kyle admitted "Refreshingly different and interesting and I'd be a fucking idiot to let someone so wonderfully rare, go..."

They enjoyed the silence, eyes flitted from their own love-struck gazes to their waiting, hungry mouths and they loved toying between the two.

Both of them finally giving in to the temptation of their kisses when the sound of one rushing heart, was twinned with another.

* * *

On his eighth (and, as it turned out, final trip) to the hospital, Cartman was informed that his mother was ready to go home.

And while he indulged in his mother's excitement and relief at finally leaving the hospital, he unabashedly entertained how bittersweet it all seemed. True, this opened the gateway to something better, more honest and smooth than these fractious years had been. But Cartman wondered whether it was all too late to repair almost a lifetime worth of damage.

And then there was Kyle. Who managed to make a time that could have been so inconceivably difficult, that much easier. It made Cartman love him even more. Truthfully, he didn't know whether he could handle the distance between them if he went back home, whether he could stomach not waking up to Kyle every morning. Giving him the stability and love he never knew he wanted until Kyle showed it to him.

With his mother in the hospital, with the constant assurance that she wasn't harming herself, that she was being cared for, Cartman thought that she was happier. But what she really wanted, was to be home again, with the slate supposedly wiped clean. And just like all those years ago, when he refused to let her hold him on a cold, winter's night, he didn't know whether he could give her what she wanted. Patience and forgiveness.

So, the night before he was due to leave, Cartman fell asleep terrified, clutching to Kyle's sleeping body throughout the night.

And at 11 AM, in Stan's car, Kyle and Cartman drove to the hospital to collect his mother.

Cartman distracted himself from the anxiety of saying goodbye to Kyle and having to watch his car drive away from his house, by smirking to himself at how polite Kyle was being to his mom. It made him wonder if his mom would welcome their relationship, but Cartman was still hesitant.

As they entered South Park, Cartman immediately tensed. flinching at the familiar houses, the unchanging Main Street and the imprisoning presence of the snow-capped mountains. It was like all his problems, all his issues were being laid out for Kyle to see, hissing at him that he was wasting his time with this kid. The town felt so much warmer, less daunting during that famous afternoon.

"Well, here we are" Kyle sighed, when he pulled up in front of the house. Staring at Eric the entire time and debating whether to touch his shoulder.

"Lovely" Lianne whispered from the back seat. "Isn't it great to be back, sweetie?"

"Sure" Cartman nodded, although that was far from the truth.

"I'll get your stuff out of the trunk" Kyle said, feeling the need to fill the silence.

"Okay" Cartman muttered, staring at his hands and forcing the mistiness away from his eyes.

"Thank you, Kyle!" Lianne grinned and Kyle smiled back, before looking at Cartman with sincere, comforting eyes and getting out of the car.

Honestly, Cartman was glad to get out. It's warmth was starting to put him on edge, and he welcomed the cold sting of mountain air. While Kyle busied himself with emptying the trunk, Lianne thanked him over and over. It was easier to dismiss Eric's sudden shyness and grumpy attitude, leaning against the car with his hands in his pockets, staring at the sidewalk.

"Thank you, Kyle, you've been wonderful!" Lianne gushed, as the last of her and Eric's bags were taken out of the trunk "I feel like I should give you some money for the trouble..."

"Don't, Miss Cartman. Honestly, its been my pleasure" Kyle replied and Cartman felt his eyes sting and a smile taint his features.

"Well, alright. Thank you again!" Lianne beamed before calling "Come on, Eric!"

"I'll be there in a minute, mom" Cartman nodded, his voice distant.

"I'd actually like to talk to him" Kyle explained and Cartman wondered whether he was just saying that so they could be alone or if he actually did have something to say.

"Yes, yes, of course" Lianne nodded, before picking up what little bags she had and walking to the house "Goodbye, Kyle!" She called back over her shoulder as Kyle and Cartman watched her open the front door and step inside.

Cartman didn't flinch when he heard the slam of the trunk, nor did he pay any attention to the quiet footsteps making his way over to him. But he did whimper in surprise when Kyle's warm hand touched his cold face and brought their lips together in an articulate, pointed kiss.

"Hey" Kyle murmured thoughtlessly when the kiss hardly broke.

"Shouldn't you be saying goodbye?" Cartman smiled sadly, before it wavered into something frightened.

"I guess" Kyle reasoned before wrapping his arms around Eric's neck and pulling him closer "Are you okay?"

Cartman shook his head, feeling himself shudder as icy tears slipped down his face "I don't wanna go in there. I, I can't watch you leave"

Kyle sighed "I know" closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against Eric's "I'm kinda dreading going back to my apartment without you"

Cartman nodded, confessing before he could stop himself "I'm scared"

"Of what?" Kyle asked, his voice marred with curious hurt.

"Of things changing. Of going back to what it was like before" Cartman explained, cringing when he felt himself crying again.

"Hey" Kyle soothed, capturing Eric's mouth in tender, chaste kisses "As horrible as it may sound, what your mom did was a fucking wake up call for her. She really cares about you, Eric. She loves you. But she was just selfish before. I think now she knows that things have to get better, she can't risk making it worse"

"You're right" Cartman smiled, before rolling his eyes and muttering "But it's not just that..."

"Then what else?" Kyle asked, cupping Eric's face and studying his eyes.

"I don't want things to change between us" Cartman replied truthfully, unsure whether Kyle would be offended.

Kyle swallowed, hurt and doubt briefly twitching like a faulty muscle in his irises before saying determinedly, his voice unwavering and strong "I'm not gonna let that happen, Eric"

"Okay" Cartman smiled weakly, although the rush of strength and confidence he felt was exhilarating.

Kyle smiled tearfully, his breath hitching with the promise of tears as he stared at Eric's beautiful face, pulling him into a protective, close embrace before he could visibly break down.

"You're gonna be great, Eric" Kyle whispered in his ear "And nothing changes, alright? You call me and come over whenever you want. Like always"

"Like always" Cartman repeated, hugging Kyle tighter.

Kyle was still smiling sadly when they pulled away, kissing Eric's forehead and wetting his hair with tears in the process. "I better go. Your mom's waiting for you"

"Yeah, alright" Cartman sighed, biting his lip as Kyle giggled into his hair. "Oh, and Kahl?" Cartman asked before letting Kyle go.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for letting me stay with you" Cartman said sincerely.

"No problem-"

"And" Cartman began, pulling Kyle closer and staring into his eyes "Thanks for everything you've done for me since the moment I met you"

Kyle felt his heart clench at those words, his breath seizing and his eyes filling with tears. His voice thin and wet when he whispers "You're very welcome"

Kyle moaned longingly when Eric kissed him, as if his words weren't enough of a 'thank you'. Kyle anchored himself on Eric's arms, the pleasure aching when Eric licked his mouth open so tenderly, hating how they couldn't have each other right there. So they settled for indulgent, loving grabs and paws at each other, eliciting breathless moans and clipped cries and kisses articulating the words that they couldn't find.

"I think you better go inside" Kyle advised and Eric smiled fondly as Kyle's words immediately took him back to the night they first met. "After all, you don't wanna watch me leave, do you?"

Cartman shook his head, stealing one last kiss "I love you"

"I love you too" Kyle smiled, stealing one right back.

So, regrettably, Cartman let Kyle go.

And while Cartman wisely didn't watch Kyle speed off, Kyle kept his eyes on Eric on the rear view mirror. Knowing that Eric was going to be just fine, but could the same be said for himself?

* * *

**A/N:**_ You guys do not know how hard the whole 'Stan and Gary' thing was to write. It was probably the worst writer's block I ever had. But after that scene was done and out of the way, I really enjoyed writing the rest. So I hope you like!_

_Oh, and school is officially finished for me. Which means I'll hopefully be able to update this story a little quicker. _

_Sorry if this chapter seems a little uneventful. But, trust me, shit's about to get real in the next couple of chapters. _

_Speaking of the next couple of chapters, I feel like I should let you know how many there will be. When I first started this story, I was aiming for ten chapters or less. That's still the case. But the size and content of the chapters I do keep switching around. Currently, there's gonna be three more chapters and an epilogue. If I make anymore changes, you shall be informed in these lil' old Author's Notes of mine. _


End file.
